Everyone likes their muscles to feel good

Organization Porn

2011-09-13T08:57:00.000-07:00

ome things are currently making me happy and they are my Billie Holiday Pandora station and this website:

Things Organized Neatly.

Its basically a collection of pictures of organized things. I dont know why, but this website just feels really good to look at. Perhaps its because I really crave organization on this meticulous of a level, but cant ever bring myself to maintain that level of organization in my life (likely, because it would take every second of "free" time I have, and I like to spend that time doing other things).

If I ever won the lottery, I would totally hire a professional organizer to organize my entire life this way, and to help me maintain it. I was showing this website to a co-worker and he was really disturbed by some of the images, while I was fascinated and super excited about them. He looked at me in a kind-of horrified way and said "I think thats a disease..." Ha! Im too lazy to have OCD.

Anyway, these are the things that make me happy. I was really enjoying my picture a day idea, too, but Im so bad at stopping to take a picture of interesting moments in my day. Im still working on it. I find that the most interesting days are the days I dont post a picture. I think if I had a better camera than the one on my stupid Blackberry, it would be helpful. Its just too convenient to be able to take the picture and load it directly to Facebook with the same device. Modern problems!

Oh hey

2011-09-12T09:59:00.000-07:00

ere's a funny thing: I have several blog posts half-written and havent finished or posted any of them!

Bringing everything up to speed is out of the cards at this point so lets gloss over the details and do a Cliffs Notes version:

Still working for small, family-owned company. There is much to say about this later.

Gearing up for school: Im currently registered for 11 credits for Fall Term: Chemistry 104, Plane Surveying and Fluid Mechanics. Im ONE credit shy of being considered a full time student and that is fucking LAME. Admittedly, I dont exactly know how being one credit shy of full time will affect my financial aid, but Im pretty sure it will in a way that is decidedly negative.

Seamus and I just celebrated 2 years of togetherness. Ive been largely absent from this blog for the majority of our relationship, so it may seem like that came out of nowhere - and even being fully present in the relationship, it feels like a super quick 2 years - but all is well. Obviously, things are never perfect or completely easy, but all is well.

Neck things seem to be in the past. Surgery went well, and although my scar is bigger and darker than I would like it to be (I was a bad girl and didnt always protect it from the sun this summer), Im healed and healthy.

In an unbelievably frustrating turn of events, my anxiety is making an unwanted comeback in my life. I want to chalk it up to having a lot going on, and I hope that once I get things rolling and into a groove, I will calm the fuck down. For now, Ive been coping in a way that I know is horrible - by drinking to numb the nerves. Well, maybe part of me is drinking to numb the anxiety and part of me is stressed the hell out and just needs a drink. Either way, an overwhelming majority of me wants to be drinking lately and its not good. Seamus has taken to calling me Murtaugh because I am constantly telling him "Im getting too old for this shit."

Lots and lots of other things are on my mind. Who knows if I will have time to post them here when school starts - between going to class, working 32 hours per week, taking an online class, homework and studying, who knows if I will have time for anything ever again!

We shall see!

Photos are more fun than words.

2011-05-26T10:34:00.000-07:00

've written two posts lately and didnt have time to finish them. I went back to them today and am not particularly impressed with either. Such is life, I suppose. I bore the crap outta myself sometimes with this blog.

I watched The Social Network the other night. It was entertaining, but I really despise that Jesse Eisenberg guy. I saw an interview he did on one of those late night talk shows and I thought he was a douche. Most of what he talked about was how he's been a nerd his whole life and because of that he's bitter and victimized, and even now that he is a famous actor he still gets treated like the nerd in the room and boo hoo. I think the line in the movie where Zukerbergs girlfriend tells him that girls dont like him not because he's a nerd, its because hes an asshole was actually written for Jesse Eisenberg. That and I dont think it takes an especially gifted actor to play the same charecter over and over again. At least Michael Cera is a likeable guy.

So my friend Chrissy has started doing this thing where she takes and posts to the internet one photo per day. Right now I am liking this idea much more than traditional blogging. Her photo blog is so interesting and full of beautiful pictures, it inspired me to try to do something similar. I was worried that mine would be boring and full of pictures of the same things, so this has challenged me to look for interesting things to capture each day. Chrissy is a bartender and is also in a band so she sees interesting things regularly. I have to hunt them. But I like that.

Neck Surgery Update

2011-05-11T08:12:00.000-07:00

met my surgeon yesterday. I like her a lot. She seems like a super smart lady and has been doing the procedure I will have done for a long time. Also, she said that the incision she makes on my neck will only be about 5 to 6 centimeters long, which means my scar will be way smaller than I thought. This makes me happy. Also making me happy is that she is super nice and definitely put a lot of my worries to rest. She did discuss some of the risks involved in the surgery. About one out of every two hundred people that have this procedure will have the nerve that controls their vocal chords slightly damaged, causing their voice to be hoarse for several months. I guess sounding like Marlon Brando for a while isnt the worst thing ever. I could start making people offers they cant refuse.

This is a pleasant drawing of what the procedure does:

Obviously, my surgeon will be looking at something much more gross. Apparently my scar will be down near my collar bone. Lets think of more interesting explanations for a neck scar:

Knife fight (obviously).

Bionic neck parts incision.

Ninja star.

During a heated poker game, an angry opponent threw a card at my neck, it stuck, I flexed and shot it back at them, cutting out their eye.

Violin string miss hap.

Good and evil consciences sword-fighting on my shoulder.

Stood too close to a tiny helicopter.

...and etc.

Surgery is on June 3rd. Lets hope lots of ice cream consumption commences shortly afterward.

xoxo

30 years in

2011-04-28T13:09:00.000-07:00

s a female, I feel genetically predisposed to enjoying weddings - and as a former little girl, fairytale princess weddings. So, everyone is talking about Prince William and Kate Middletons wedding today, which is occurring at 1:30 am (tonight/) tomorrow. If I had my way, I would DVR the thing and watch it at a reasonable hour with a pint of Ben and Jerry's while wearing the prettiest tiara available at Claire's. And, since my 30th birthday is Saturday, it is totally possible that I will spend the day doing exactly that while not feeling the slightest bit sorry that this is where my life is exactly 30 years in.

So where exactly am I at the 30 year mark?

Currently I am slowly organizing the hell out of the cute little townhouse that I share with my two favorite boys on Earth. The enjoyment this brings me is something I should not fully admit to (the organization, that is). I came this close to posting pictures of my now very organized closet on Facebook to brag. I opted instead to leave the doors open so that I can sit up in bed each morning and admire it. More recently Ive been considering taking the doors off completely.

Ive planted my very first garden - arugula, parsley, radishes, green beans, cherry tomatoes, green onion, violas and English daisies. This also excites me to no end. Each day I come home from work and check their progress and each day my little sprouts are a little taller and new ones are coming in. I call them my "babies" and my cat is highly unimpressed with their location in the prime real estate on the carpet in front of the sliding glass doors where she is usually lounging and soaking up sun.

Very recently I've cut back to 32 hours per week at work so that, come summer term, I can get back on track with school again. I feel fortunate to be able to do this, as not many companies will allow you to work just enough to be eligible for full benefits. But, I work for a great company.

For some time now Ive been enjoying the benefits of having a culinary student boyfriend, and Ive put on the pounds to prove it. Im definitely coming to terms with the fact that from now on I will need to work out to be skinny, but Ive had a good run at being skinny with little to no effort - so I suppose its only fair. The trade off is that I get to eat delicious foods on the regular, and that is truly, truly awesome.

Update: It has been decided that Saturday morning Seamus will make me french toast and minosas and I will enjoy them while watching Royal Wedding. Isnt that a lovely way to start my 30th year on Earth? I think so.

Doctors hate my neck

2011-04-11T09:52:00.000-07:00

hings are happening to me that are beyond my control. This kind of thing drives me crazy. I am something of a control freak and I dont like relinquishing it.

I've been putting on weight. A few months ago I noticed that I was losing definition in my neck. At first, I chalked it up to being a side effect of weight gain. Then, I noticed that I was only losing definition in one side of my neck. After some poking and prodding it became evident that I have a lump on my neck in my thyroid region.

Several doctor's visits later, along with blood tests, ultrasounds and a needle biopsy so horrific, I choose never to speak of it again, I have learned that I in fact have 2 lumps on my right thyroid and one on my left. The biopsy results for 2 came back benign, and one inconclusive. According to my endocrinologist, this raises the chance of it containing cancerous cells to 20-30%, so she recommends that I have the right side of my thyroid surgically removed so that it can be further examined - and if it is determined to contain cancerous cells, I will need to have a second surgery to have my left thyroid removed and begin radioactive iodine treatment.

None of this sounds like fun. In fact, this whole process has been a series of news I was not expecting to receive and processes that are more drawn out than I had anticipated. Originally, I had thought that I'd have my thyroid hormone levels checked, be put on some meds and go on with my life. I certainly never thought this could end in surgery - or cancer.

Oddly, it isnt cancer Im afraid of. Maybe its denial, but the possibility that this is cancer seems remote to me - I mean, mathematically, it is - but something in my gut tells me that all of this is happening due to a serious stroke of bad luck that has been plaguing me all year. What I mean by that is that if all of my biopsy results had come back benign, that would have been the end of it. But because of that one inconclusive one I have to have my neck further violated, and this process just gets longer and more expensive.

It is better to be safe than sorry, dont get me wrong. I just wish it wasnt happening at all. And honestly, I just want people to leave my neck the fuck alone. And I want to stop having to meet with expensive specialists and surgeons.

Speaking of, I meet with my surgeon on May 9th. I did a little googling (knowing to be careful as there is a lot of misinformation and horror stories out there) and it seems like a common side effect people have after surgery is having a horse voice for periods of time that can exceed a couple months. For me, that would be unfortunate since it is my job to talk to people all day, both on the phone and in person. Also, there is a possibility that I wont get my stitches out until after I go back to work, so Ive given everyone permission to refer to me as Franken-Neck or Neck-enstein.

*sigh*

Basically, this bums me the fuck out. But, it is what it is and it definitely could be worse.

xo

Ooopsie

2011-04-04T10:43:00.000-07:00

k, Im not very good at keeping up on this thing lately and I think it's because I just prefer to spend my free time sitting on the couch with Seamus watching TV, or cooking in the kitchen with Seamus and then sitting on the couch with him and watching TV. Or other things that somehow do not end up with me blogging. I think its a phase. I hope it is.

Also, I think that since I have been on an extended hiatus from school, I dont feel as stimulated in the brain region and thats what usually inspires me to write. Honestly, my job is easy, navigating my life is, I assume, much like navigating your life - make money, pay bills, avoid jumping off tall things. So, I guess I havent felt like things have been worthy of a blog post - but the thing is, maybe everything IS worthy of a blog post because that is the point of blogs? Maybe I will rename this blog "The Most Pointless Blog on the Internet" and then EVERYTHING that EVER happens will obviously warrant a post.

Anywho. Friday was April Fools and morale in the office had been at an extreme low. Suffice to say that many of us were feeling raked over the coals due to a recent event and needed some cheering-the-fuck-up. I took it upon myself to start an April Fools prank war. I started with putting a piece of masking tape over the censor on the bottom of people's mouses (which had some people crawling under their desks and jiggling wires), incorporated a few prank calls from prankdial.com and ended with the grand finale of kidnapping my hard core U of O Ducks fan of a boss's cardboard cutout of the U of O Duck mascot and placing him in a 2nd floor window of the building across the street. I didnt get to see the look on his face when he noticed it while walking passed, but I heard it was priceless. Somehow, being at the center of all the pranking left me un-pranked.

I patted myself on the back for all of my good deeds with way too many whiskeys afterward. It was the most successful April Fools Ive had in a while. Next year should be even better.

Economic Shit

2011-02-16T10:08:00.000-08:00

he current economic climate has been on my mind lately. I've been paying attention to the news more now than I ever have in my life, so obviously, the economy is on a lot of people's minds and its being spoken about frequently. And, I know I've said before that I would make an attempt to lay off reading the comments on political news stories on MSNBC, but I just fucking cant. Its morbid curiosity or something.

Its also interesting to see (or read) how point of view and perspective can vary so widely between groups of people who are in similar financial situations. I am a pretty liberal democrat and I have very little money. I am quite aware of pretty conservative republicans who also have very little money and would probably agree with very little, if any, of my political opinions on the current economic crisis.

An interesting thing I read (in the comments on some story about the presidents budget, not from any sort of credible source) was that Ben Afleck had apparently said at some point that he received $1M in tax refund dollars - and he thought that it was totally ridiculous that a person that makes as much money as he does should get a refund of that much money from the government. Someone else commented that if Ben paid in $2M in taxes and got a $1M refund while someone else who paid $2,000 in got a $1,000 refund, then the two refunds are totally fair. I get that the ratio between the two amounts is the same, making it fair mathematically - but I just dont see the world that way. And I think Ben was making the same point - he doesnt need that $1M that was given back to him as much as, say, people with less money who could benefit from social programs that the money could have funded. The commenter who wrote about the fairness in ratios also pointed out that Ben should be given the money back by the government and then free to decide whether or not he wants to donate it to whatever cause he wants to see it go to. Ok, I see that too. I guess it would be nice to be super rich and be able to decide where exactly your huge amount of tax dollars are being spent. But, again, I dont really see the world that way. I guess I dont have enough faith in people (extremely rich people, in this case) that they would even give it back to the public if given a choice in the first place. So should we take it from them against their will by way of higher taxes for the extremely rich? The answer to that question - the truth in my gut - gets more complicated the more I really think about it.

On one hand - yes, absolutely, give the higher tax burden to those who can handle it "easiest". Meaning, the top money makers in the country. When I think about this tax bracket, I am imagining gigantic mansions in several parts of the world belonging to the same family, private jets, etc. These are people who, in my mind, would have to sacrifice the least essential items for survival (maybe having to get rid of the jet and *gasp!* fly first class instead). These are luxuries I would not lose sleep over depriving people in this economic climate.

My opinion of this question gets a little more complicated when I think of people who would be considered "rich", but not exorbitantly so. People who have nice, big houses, nice cars, go on expensive family vacations every year, etc. Im thinking this tax bracket brings home a high six figure salary, maybe even low seven figures. These are people who are no doubt living the American Dream. Is it fair to penalize them for being successful? Certainly they can "afford" a higher tax burden, which I think already comes with the territory of being in a higher tax bracket. I guess in my mind these people deserve neither a tax hike nor a tax break.

And then the further I think on it, the more it becomes clear that this is a seriously, intensely complicated issue. One that cannot be thought of in blanket terms. That being said, the one thing that does not sit well with me is the idea of tax "breaks" for people who can be considered rich. EVERYONE in this economy should have to pay their share. The idea that there are people who are rich (in any sense of the word) and are getting a break on their taxes during a time when so many people in this country cannot even make ends meet is appalling. Absolutely appalling.

Regarding the uproar over Obama's proposed budget for the year - again its an extremely complicated matter. Growing the economy while simultaneously cutting way back on spending is not something I can wrap my head around - yet there seem to be so many couch-economists that have strong opinions of exactly what needs to be done, of course, without any pressure of consequence should they be totally wrong.

When it comes to social issues like abortion and civil liberties, I have very strong viewpoints, but when it comes to economic issues... most of that stuff is way over my head - and, in my opinion, over most peoples heads as well. I struggle enough with budgeting for my household, balancing a budget for the entire country seems like a mammoth task I couldnt even begin to understand how to start, let alone accomplish with any success. Perhaps I am biased as an Obama supporter, but I think that considering the mess he was handed, people might give the guy a little credit. But, of course, in this culture of instant-gratification that we love to live in, the people want a miracle and they want it yesterday.

In these financial hard times, Im grateful for things that make me happy and cost almost nothing - family, friends and Charles Shaw.

xoxo

Seamus and I

2011-02-01T09:39:00.000-08:00

ecause I am crazy and usually bored (and usually trying to keep my mind occupied), when Im on the bus I will occasionally look around and imagine everyone as characters in an action suspense movie and pick roles for them. This would be a movie (like Speed) where something action-y and suspenseful would happen to a bus full of unsuspecting people. I am always the un-likely heroine/love interest for the hero (obviously). The problem is, there is usually not a good hero-type riding the bus. Which is fine because my hero could always enter the equation from some other place (as in Speed where Keanu Reeves' character, Jack, gets on the bus while its doing 50 down the freeway). But, sometimes heroes and love interests arent always easily spotted. This takes me to the story of how Seamus and I met:

Once upon an August in 2009, Laurelhurst Park was putting on its annual "Movies in the Park" and Our Heroine, me, had been bugged and bugged by friends to attend. When I'd heard that the movie on a particular weekend was Casablanca, I was finally interested in going - so I packed a bag with a blanket, a thermos of a particularly strong blend of flavored vodkas and juice, and cups. I headed out, along with three of my friends, to find a good spot in the park for movie viewing and down-low drinking.

Upon arrival at the park it became very clear that I wasnt the only one unwilling to miss a showing of Casablanca because the place was packed. Still, we found a decent spot, laid down our blankets and busted out the booze. Erin had brought an extra blanket for a friend she'd invited that may be bringing friends of his own - and shortly after the movie started these friends came, introductions were quickly made and, on my part, quickly forgotten because of the booze and the Casablanca commanding my attention.

Meanwhile, on that day Seamus' mother was in town visiting him for her birthday. Seamus had friends over for a BBQ to celebrate and was looking for something fun to do afterward. Luckily, Seamus heard from his friend Roy who heard from his friend Erin that some friends would be at Laurelhurst Park for the "Movies in the Park" showing of Casablanca and would save them a spot. Seamus and his mother had both never seen Casablanca but had always wanted to, so it was set.

The movie, as always, was fantastic.

Afterward, being particularly broke and not ready to end the night, Erin and I decided to invite everyone over to our place for cheap beer - including these folks I'd had a vague recollection of meeting. Seamus' mom was pretty tired at this point and had asked Seamus if he minded if she just headed back to her hotel room. Seamus - who was also not ready to end the night and was interested in following girls back to their house instead - did not object.

I had met Seamus' friend, Roy, through my friend Erin. Roy sat near me and his friend Seamus sat near him. Through the phenomenon of alcohol induced banter, I started chatting more and more with this Seamus character - he was smart, just the right mixture of polite and smart-ass, and funny as hell. Most of all, he was so easy to talk to. It was one of those cliches where you feel like you've known someone for years because the communication is just effortless.

Late into the night and early into the morning the topic of our conversation ended up on pool. At the time I was playing pool more than ever and had gotten better than ever at the game. Challenges ended up being exchanged (probably originating from me) and it was decided that the two of us would meet at my favorite bar the following night. Phone numbers were exchanged. Seamus eventually went home and I eventually went to bed.

The next morning I woke up feeling hungover and not particularly motivated to leave the house. Evening came around and I was feeling better, but still not super excited about going out. I considered texting Seamus to reschedule our showdown, but reconsidered - he was so easy to hang out with, a little hair-o-the-dog might be just what I needed, and we were going to my favorite bar - which at the time felt basically like an extension of my living room, so it wasnt really like going out. Instead I texted him asking him what time he'd like to meet. Turns out, Seamus was feeling the same way physically, but decided to meet up with me anyway because he had a secret crush on me.

We played pool, chatted more - and got along famously. Soon, I was inviting Seamus to everything I did, and hanging out with him every day. There was something about him that I couldnt pinpoint. Sure, he was cute, but more than that, I just wanted to be around him all the time. Apparently, when I wasnt hanging out with him, I was talking about him to my girlfriends, a lot. Eyebrows started raising. "You LIKE him!" ...maybe I really did like him. This was something to raise an eyebrow at because at the time I'd been dating a few people and was not particularly liking anyone anymore. I was reaching the point of being jaded and swearing off men forever. But Seamus was different. He didnt press any romantic progression in our friendship (even though he wanted it), and in fact I may not have known he was even romantically interested in me if it werent for the look in his eyes he would get when drunk and telling me how awesome he thought I was.

Eventually, after about a month of just "hanging out", we ended up kissing and then dating. The transition was pertty seamless since we were already attached at the hip - only now we got to make-out and stuff.

So, the story of Seamus and I isnt an action-suspense movie that unfolds on a bus, but my hero did come from an unexpected place - and besides, its pretty romantic to tell people the Cliffs Notes version - that we met while watching Casablanca in the park.

Public Transportation (aka hell on Earth)

2011-01-27T07:41:00.000-08:00

o here's what: my car has been having serious issues since I ventured south to Vegas in it (perhaps I will elaborate more on that trip later). My good friend has been kind enough to tinker around with it and patch it up here and there, but he doesnt know much about my particular type of car, and Im getting sick of having to replace temporary band-aids on it seemingly every week. So I've vowed to let it chill the fuck out in the driveway until I get my tax return and then I will take it to an official VW mechanic and pay way too much money to get it fixed for good.

As my luck would have it, Seamus' car is also out of commission as of two days before mine decided to join it. This means that I am re-acquainted with my old Nemesis: public transportation. The issue for me is not that I am "above" taking public transportation, it's just maybe the biggest trigger for panic attacks that I have - aside from, say, being trapped in an elevator. An elevator crammed full of people.

The shittiest part about taking the bus to and from work is that I am always riding it during rush hour when the bus is packed and sitting in traffic. This is my nightmare. Luckily, I work from 7 to 4, so rush hour is on the lighter side.

Saving graces: My bus ride has, so far, not taken longer than 25 minutes; 2 to 3 times a week, Seamus and I will be riding the bus home together in the evening when traffic is the worst, and, of course, the fact that this is all temporary. Just how temporary remains to be seen at this point, but temporary nonetheless.

In related news, life has had no shortage of stress for me lately. So the theme of late has been perseverance. I tend to get whiny when under stress for extended periods of time, but its nice to have this here blog and good friends who are smart and good looking to use as methods of venting, reflection, and perspective.

So, long story short - I will survive, but I am definitely looking forward to calmer seas.

xoxo

Politics and Crazy People

2011-01-19T09:52:00.000-08:00

t seems like everyone is talking about the political rhetoric in this country in the wake of the shootings in Arizona. My problem is that I read MSNBC's website almost every day as my go-to for the latest news headlines, and after I read an article I will almost always read the comments left by just about every idiot on the face of this planet. This has made it seem like this country has had no shortage of crazy people with stupid things to say for quite some time now, and the current political climate is nothing new. Also, anyone who has ever taken 15 minutes out of their life and wasted them on Craigslist's Rants and Raves section is well aware of what Im talking about.

For me, its hard to step back far enough to try and see the bigger picture of what the ACTUAL political climate in this country is, outside of what extremists post on the internet and what retarded talking heads say on cable news networks. These cant be the voices of the majority; can they? My hope is that the majority of Americans are much more sane, have political opinions in common, and are just too busy being smarter and saner to post commentary on news websites. Perhaps they realize that attempting to reason with crazy people is futile. This is my hope.

I also wonder if our crazies today are any crazier than American crazies have been in the past, or if it just seems that way now because of the overload in mediums by which news and information is shared, or because more crazies than ever actually have access to a vehicle for their crazy opinions to be carried around the world (the internet). Imagine back in the day when you would actually have to be in the presence of someone crazy to be subjected to their insanity - doesnt that seem like blissfully sweet, sweet silence? Was it easier to be sane then? Or is it easier to make more informed opinions now with easier access to so much more information? Or is the internet easier access to misinformation?

I have a million questions like these and zero answers.

Seamus is a fantastic person to have these conversations with because he studied political science with an emphasis on international politics and is also a history nerd. So sometimes I spout off these questions about America and the world and society and political climate - not really expecting an answer - and he usually has some insightful opinion and I end up learning something about world history.

So whats a girl to do in this day and age? Well, so far my strategy is this: I take most of what I read on the internet with a grain of salt, take solace in things like The Daily Show, The Colbert Report and The Onion for perspective from people who are funny and also realize that all this shit is crazy, and hope that in the end the world will not cave in on us.

xoxo

Ouch.

2011-01-17T10:05:00.000-08:00

or the second day in a row I am feeling hung over from a pretty binge-drinking-like weekend. Of course, I am feeling much MUCH better today than I was yesterday, but I am by no means 100%. I didnt used to beat myself up over these occasions - in fact, in my first blog, I bragged about them openly - but Im getting to the point where I look back on them with a little shame. And this makes me wonder if I should be feeling ashamed or regretful, or if I should just cut myself some slack. My problem with that is that Im usually pretty bad at cutting myself too much slack and then really beating myself up for it later.

I guess Ive reached this stage in my life where part of me wants to hang on to my youthful partying ways and part of me wants to let them go. The ratio of one to the other is increasingly uneven in favor of letting them go. Which I think should be the correct progression, but its still a strange thing to experience. And particularly now, while paying the price for a hard partying weekend, the allure of my grown-up nights spent cuddling on the couch with a glass of wine after a nice home-cooked dinner, going to bed early and waking rested, seems stronger than ever.

Interesting, too, is the fact that when super drunk, I often end up reminiscing about achievements I made when Pancho and I quit drinking for a year and a half. Not the achievement of quitting drinking for that long, but things I accomplished in my professional life during that time. Im wondering if I would have capitalized on those opportunities as well as I did if I were drinking at that time as well.

At any rate, what I would really like is to grow into a happy medium. Where I can feel good about allowing myself some slack, and also feel like I am accomplishing my goals. I hope Im on the right track to end up there.

xo

I think they call it "Contentment"

2011-01-13T07:35:00.000-08:00

o, I've found myself in that all-too-rare-in-my-life place where Im content. Not completely content, because there is still work to do, but damn content enough for my liking. More content than I have been in quite some time.

I think being unemployed for so long gave me a great big swig off a tall glass of perspective. Being in control of my income is a fantastic thing. Also sipping from this tall glass of perspective is one Louis CK, who also happens to be my favorite comic ever. I was watching his latest special, "Hilarious", and was particularly fond of his "white people problems" jokes.

Jokes.com

Uncensored - Louis C.K. - White People Problems

comedians.comedycentral.com

Jokes

Joke of the Day

Funny Jokes

Its so true. Im poor and yet I have a Blackberry, a 42 inch HD tv, HBO, a laptop, leather seats with seat warmers in my car and I carry a Coach bag. Granted, by car is problematic and not paid for and I bought my Coach bag on Ebay, but STILL. My problems are stupid. "UUUuuugghhh, my check engine light came on and now Im going to have to spend money fixing it instead of spoiling myself, woe is me!"

Thanks Louis CK. You're the best.

Speaking of, Seamus and I saw Louis CK in November and he really is the best. Seriously, if he is coming to a city near you, go see him.

In addition to receiving a fresh dose of perspective, being unemployed also gave me a crash course on living cheap. So, now, I make more money and live cheaper and everyone wins. Soon I will begin saving for a trip to Disneyland - which, I dont know if you've checked, is SUPER expensive! But, my boy is in the prime Disneyland age range and I think he's gonna be pretty fucking stoked when we surprise him with the trip. For Christmas, we took him down to San Francisco - to Alcatraz and Chinatown and Fishermans Wharf, and etc. - and he was super excited about that so Im pretty sure Disneyland is going to blow his mind.

So, basically, with the current economic crisis and wars going on - its the end of the world as we know it - and I kinda do feel fine.

xoxo

The Social What-Now?

2011-01-06T11:58:00.000-08:00

I keep reading these articles about how gigantic and rich Facebook is getting. Hugely rich businesses are investing tons and tons of money in it. I dont understand how Facebook could be worth $50 billion, but what do I know about valuation? I do, however, have a memory of what happened to Myspace when people thought the same thing about it. I also have a feeling that Facebook is going to go the same way as Myspace at any moment.

I used to be hugely addicted to Facebook. I checked it SEVERAL TIMES every day. Now I peek at it maybe once a day and am largely unimpressed with what I find. No offense to my Facebook pals, but hearing the day-to-day goings on of your lives isnt that exciting to me anymore. Nor do I think you are that interested in mine. I feel like I shouldnt even post anything unless I have something particularly exciting or clever or funny to say, and, unfortunately, that kind of stuff just doesnt happen to me all that often.

The aspect of Facebook that I cannot speak to is the FarmVille-ing and Mafia Wars-ing and all that other shite that goes on on that site because I have LONG since hidden all of those damn things. Im not sure if people are still cracking out on them or not, so for all I know, that may still be all the rage. But, honestly, how long can that go on? Who knows. Maybe it gives the lonely people of Earth something to occupy their time with.

In some ways, I hope Facebook stays around and that people stay somewhat interested in it. It is a great way to share photos with people (everyone you know- if you want) and I just cant get myself into the habit of following Twitter very closely, which would be the alternative, I guess. As you can see in the margin, I dont tweet very often. Now that I think of it, sharing photos is really the best part of Facebook to me these days. I even like looking at peoples vacation photos and seeing all the places they've been. Its a cool peek into people's lives that you probably wouldnt otherwise have. When I see mutual friends' profiles on someone elses page, Im not sad when I cant see their "wall" or "info", Im sad when I cant see their photos and what they look like now. Their photos tell me a more interesting story of where they live and who they associate with and what their life is like than the rest of their Facebook profile.

Does that make me a Facebook stalker?

Hmm.
(I said Facebook 10 times in this post. Make that 11.)

xoxo

Growing Up

2011-01-05T14:36:00.000-08:00

ately I've been thinking about "growing up" and acting more "grown up". Recently I was involved in what was going to be a high drama event, and my initial reaction - in an effort to minimize my involvement - was to deny, deny, deny. Then I thought, "what is the big girl way to handle this?" And I realized the big girl thing to do is to admit everything as it happened to those that need to know, and to move on with my life. So, "yes, it happened. Im sorry if that upsets you. I will continue to live my life now." Maybe its selfish of me, but my conscience is clear and if people insist on creating drama in their lives, then I want very little to do with them anyway. Isnt there a point where people want to STOP living as though they are in high school?

Anyway. So that is kind of also where I would like to go with my life from now on. You know, being an adult. Not skirting responsibility for things - even if they are ridiculous or stupid. Owning my actions - that kind of thing. Im going to be thirty this year so I figure now is a good time to start.

It feels good already.

Unrelated(ish) - Ive been fawning over diamond rings lately. I used to just want the ring. Then I started wanting the ring and the wedding. Slowly I think I am wanting the ring, the wedding and the marriage. Who am I?

A girl in love, probably. ;)

Also, Ive been exposed to very long term, happy marriages for the first time in my life and, maybe for the first time ever, marriage as I would like to have it seems possible. Seamus's parents have been happily married for 30 years and we just helped his grandparents celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary. 60 years! And they are still happy, wonderful human beings to be around. And when they look at each other, it doesnt seem like they would like nothing more than to murder the other with their bare hands. They seem like two people who have shared a life together who are still very much in love. Of course, 60 years is a long time and Im sure it wasnt always easy. But they have so many hilarious stories and a fascinating history - its easy to feel a little jealous of that connection, and to want it for myself.

But what girl doesnt want to live happily ever after?

Hello Again

2010-12-30T11:10:00.000-08:00

ot that Im expecting that anyone still reads this thing, but I am back.

After catching up a little on This Lovely Blog, I am inspired to write my own again. Alexis never disappoints in the ol' inspiration department.

So, the truth is that Ive neglected this damn blog far too long and a complete update is just not feasible at this point, so I will bring you up to speed in the quickest way possible (or, more likely, I will elaborate on only the things I care to elaborate on at this moment).

Seamus and I are happier than ever. As I reach thirty (years old - if you must know), I feel like Im entering a phase in life where I can finally exhale and relax in a relationship. We are passed the one year mark and I feel like we've worked through issues that we had in the beginning and that is helping us to communicate and prevent any major new issues from forming. One thing I truly love about our relationship is that I feel like Seamus is one of the only people I've been close to that doesnt judge me negatively when I screw up. Its like his initial reaction to my fuck-ups is "yep, been there" even if he hasnt been EXACTLY there, he has, as a human, been in that "oops" place and is incredibly humble because of it. Because of this I feel like I can be more completely honest with him than I have ever been with anyone. Im not afraid of being vulnerable to him because I know he doesnt take it lightly. I only hope I can be the same to him.

School has been put on hold for the pursuit of employment. The gravy train pulled into its final destination and unfortunately, I was unprepared. This caused a (not) brief (enough) moment of panic and a switch in priority in order to survive. After a long and arduous hunt for a job, employment has been secured - and in fact, I think I found the job I was meant to have at this time in my life (whatever that means - at any rate, this job makes sense for me right now). So, my education will continue now that this has been taken care of.

The job - I am a receptionist at a small, family owned business. I feel like this is a smart move for me because being at a reception desk is usually a cake walk for me - however this particular reception desk is busier than most at the beginning and end of each month and does require a great deal of multi-tasking skills. But, I try to keep in mind that this is a plus for me as I should stay in the habit of being challenged constantly. Being in a lull tends to not be a positive thing for me at work. If Im challenged, then Im productive and interested and not bored and hating every second of life spent at work.

On life and people and the coming year - this year Im making a resolution for the first time in a long time. Actually, I cant remember the last resolution I made because I dont usually take them seriously enough to make them in the first place. But this year, Im making a promise to myself. The promise has multiple parts: the first is that I WILL get into shape. Most of my life I havent had to work at staying any certain weight or size, but those days are gone. Whatever has happened to me psychologically over the last year that has caused (or allowed) me to gain weight must be over. Mostly I just want to fit into my clothes and look in the mirror and recognise myself again. Also, working out raises energy levels and I sure could use some of that right now. The second part of the promise is that I will continue to pursue my education as diligently as before, even though I will have to work full time in the process. My original time line for graduation has gone out the window, but my goal of getting there most certainly has not. The last part of my promise is that I will become less flaky and more reliable as a friend and relative. I dont want to be thought of as that girl that no one can depend on. The difficult part about this is to find a balance between being reliable and being a crutch for people.

I dont want to say "this is the year I get my shit together" because that sounds like a sure fire way to keep from actually getting my shit together, but I do want to focus on some improvements I could definitely make. Will power and self control would be nice. I feel like Im within reach of them.

On a random note (because random notes are always fun) - I learned today that I am one year older than the Atari game Pole Position. This made me feel strangely old because for some reason I'd always assumed that I was way younger than that game. This and the fact that my sister is finally entering years that I can more closely relate to (she will be 20 next month), and remembering this or that when I was that age and thinking that was 10 years ago and wondering what the hell Ive done since then... I realize I need to focus more on where Im going than where Ive been. I look back way too often when I should be looking forward.

I think that will be the mantra of this year.

xoxo

Uh...

2010-06-29T13:50:00.000-07:00

ell holy blog neglect! As lame as it sounds, a post that brings everything up to speed is necessary, but this isnt it. This is the post before that post where I promise I will work on it soon. I understand if you dont hold your breath.

xo

On Health Care Reform:

2010-03-24T14:13:00.000-07:00

ere's the thing: Im fucking sick and tired of all the belly-aching over health care reform. Im sick of hearing people whining about supposed affects it will have on them when they do not know what in the FUCK they are talking about. They hear someone else say something and then go around bitching about it as though it were fact. "I saw this posted on so-and-so's facebook status so I just had to re-post." Shut the fuck up! So-and-so is a dumb ass and so are you!

Ive generally been for health care reform. Ive had long periods of my life where Ive been without health insurance (like right now and for the past year or so) and the entire time I think to myself "if something happens to me - getting hit by a bus or in a car accident or struck by lighting - Im totally and completely FUCKED!" and there is nothing awesome about carrying that idea around in the back of your head at all times. Once, I had to go to the ER for intense stomach pains though I sincerely did not want to because, at the time, I was not insured. But, it was reasoned to me that I may need my appendix out or some other life threatening situation, so I went. 3 hours and $4000 later, I left the ER with no conclusion of what happened to me - or if it could happen again - and the most expensive experience of an ass-fucking ever. I received multiple bills from multiple doctors (half of which I couldnt even recall meeting as the only thing helpful to my condition that was provided to me was an abundance of morphine) with non-specific line items and ridiculous balances! I contacted OHP (Oregon Health Plan, to the layman) and they basically told me that even as a single, out of work mother, I was SOL. Great!

As it happens, right now I am unemployed and uninsured. I could purchase health insurance, but then I'd probably also have to live on the streets or starve. Also, coincidentally, I've been experiencing excruciating and mysterious back pain for the last three days. Boy would I love to see a doctor right now! Or a physical therapist. Or even a fucking voo doo witch doctor. Anyone that could make this pain go away would be welcome in my eyes. But I cant afford any of them. Luckily, friends and family have shared with me whatever left-over pain killers are laying around their medicine cabinets, and with those (coupled with wine) Ive managed to keep the pain manageable.

I decided to read the health care reform bill for myself. All 1990 pages of it can be found here. Ok, obviously I didnt read the whole thing, but I've skimmed the parts that interest me. Heres what I like about it (excuse me if I dumb it down a bit as I have been drinking wine and taking pain-killers):

It puts and end to the whole "denial due to pre-existing conditions" thing. Or, as far as I can tell, limits the check for any pre-existing diagnoses to 30 days prior to application. Ive never had to deal with this issue, but I know plenty of people who have. Ive even known people who stay at extremely shitty jobs because they dont want to switch health insurance plans because of a condition they have that would exclude them from coverage anywhere else. How horrible to be trapped in a shitty job because of health concerns!

It ends annual and lifetime benefit limits! I have had insurance through such SHADY insurance companies (AHEM! Aetna! *cough*) that, when I did the math, I paid MORE into them than my annual benefit limit would cover - even AFTER deductibles! And when I read the fine print, I found out that the limit on ER coverage was something totally ridiculous like $1000! $1000 will get you INTO the door of the ER, the real costs start racking up well after that!

It allows children to stay on their parents' plans until their 27th birthday. This is a nice option for parents who can afford to keep their kids on their plan that long, especially if their kids are going to college and not working. I mean, my mom would probably still be like "get a job and pay for your own coverage", but thats only because money was tight at my house. If she couldve afforded to, she would have kept me on as long as necessary.

It requires insurance companies to cover reconstructive/cosmetic surgery for people with deformities, which, to my knowledge, has been strictly up to the insurance company until this point. Seems fair.

It has provisions to combat price gouging and regulate premium increases.

People who like the plan they have now get to keep it, with no increases in cost. In fact, it is estimated that almost everyone paying for insurance now will see significant decreases in cost over the next 5 or 10 years. I dont know what everyone who has insurance now is fucking complaining about. If you like what you have, fine! You dont have to do anything! Unless you make more than $500,000 a year, you arent going to see any increases in taxes or premiums (and if you do make more than $500,000 a year right now, suck it).

Ok, I'll skip to what I dont like about it:

It makes health care coverage mandatory. If you dont participate in the "exchange" (the pool of insurance providers), you will be fined 2.5% of your income. Ok, that doesnt go down as easy. No one likes to be told by the government that theres one more thing they HAVE to do whether they like it or not. The white house's website made a good analogy though, and that is that each state mandates auto insurance coverage, and that this mandate is similar. Fine. Its not that I dont WANT health insurance (believe me, and this very moment I would enjoy very much to have some coverage) its just that I cant afford it.

So that brings me to one more (and the last, I promise) thing I like about it: the federal government is going to offer credits to those low income AND middle class (!) families that need assistance getting themselves and their families covered - which will bring the actual out-of-pocket expense way down.

So, ok government. Yes. I would like some insurance now please. Lets do this.

WTF is up with the 2014 implementation date?

Moving and other things I wish would just do themselves

2010-03-21T13:57:00.000-07:00

rades are coming in. I managed to somehow earn a B in my pre-calc class which I spent the entire term whining about because I was absolutely convinced I was going to fail. I even learned a thing or two.

The rest of my grades should come in early next week. In the meantime, Seamus and I are in the process of getting our finances together in preparation for the application process on a cute little townhouse we both have agreed is "the one" we want to pursue. The price couldnt be more right, the location is acceptable and the kitchen and outdoor spaces are superior to others we'd been considering. Not to mention some sweet-ass move-in promotions the manager is offering - oh and a swimming pool.

Our beach trip was excellent. We spent 3 awesome days cooking, relaxing, playing bocce ball and just generally enjoying each others company. It was just what the doctor ordered, however, it made coming back to Portland and having so much to deal with and get done here seem less appealing than ever. He and I have agreed that we wish it was 30 days from now - with both of us into the swing of school, moved in and settled down. In my mind, it is the exact situation I have been craving for a long time now.

The interesting thing is that what Ive really been longing for is to move out of the neighborhood I once loved and vowed to never leave. The coveted Belmont/Hawthorne neighborhood that many Portlanders pay a lot of money to live in or near. Initially, the draw to this area was that the neighborhood is full of establishments I frequent and the fact that the majority of my friends all live within walking distance of each other here. But what living here has become is a constant struggle against the temptation to let my social life take priority over school and goals Ive set for myself and am too damn stubborn to not meet. The neighborhood Seamus and I have chosen to move to - the Brooklyn neighborhood - is just close enough to and just far enough away from this area to be a nice comfortable medium, I think.

Holy crap I just realized I have a new episode of Lost on the DVR to watch. Obviously, my priorities are in order.

Smoochies.

Dear World:

2010-03-15T15:57:00.000-07:00

ell apparently I have no motivation for anything productive whatsoever lately. So, I'll just update you in a very matter-of-fact way with the new things going on lately, because Im pretty sure thats all I can be bothered with at this time of extreme laziness in my life:

Seamus is enrolling in culinary school and I am so proud of him. He's had a passion for cooking for a long time, but hasnt necessarily felt like cooking was his calling. So, he discovered the Art Institutes culinary program, which covers all of the cooking basics as well as necessary business aspects needed to run ones own restaurant, which I think is more of what he's interested in. So he is very excited and I am very proud.

We have been searching for apartments around town and have narrowed the search down to two pretty similar places. One is better than the other on the inside, while the other is better on the outside. One has a superior kitchen (which is a huge deal to us) and the other is in a better location in the neighborhood (which is more important to Seamus than to me). Anyway, either way I think we will both be happy with the outcome and we are both very excited to have a new little place all our own. I am very excited to finally be able to pull all my stuff out of storage and have a place to call my own for the first time in what feels like forever.

Unfortunately, this week is finals week and I spent last week sick in bed and have an overwhelming urge to just crawl back in it and not get out until spring term. But, I have one more final to complete and no motivation to study for it. However! Immediately after my last final on Wednesday afternoon Seamus and I are leaving for the beach where we've rented a condo right on the sand for 3 days and I can definitely get motivated for that! In the meantime, I think I will medicate myself with a cheeseburger...

xoxo

Oh boo

2010-03-09T13:50:00.000-08:00

efore you start believing in miracles or thinking that Ive gotten this whole relationship thing figured out, let me correct you by informing you that I havent. It isnt that I expect that someday a relationship will be "perfect" and that there are trouble-free times ahead, or anything, its just that one day I'd like things to make sense more often. Like I wouldnt hear things come out of my boyfriends mouth that sound completely foreign, or like they are about someone who is definitely not me. Am I oblivious to my own actions? I like to think Im not. I know for damn sure that I have done a lot of very painful growing in my life and have had more conversations about what an asshole I've been at certain times than Im proud to admit to. Let me just say that learning how to initiate those conversations without being prompted to is some really hard, tail-between-the-legs shit. "I fucked up and Im sorry" is sometimes the LAST thing people are willing to say - rarely ever the first.

Sometimes I just feel like people get to a point in relationships where they treat them like jobs they are only willing to be just good enough at to not get fired. Because they are too lazy to find a better job, or they need the benefits, or whatever. Like theres this point of complacency that they've reached and they kind of trap the other person in there with them. Im not saying that this a point Im at, Im just saying that Ive seen it too many times before and Im wary of it.

I guess I focus a lot on whats "fair" in a relationship and at this point Im starting to wonder if thats even obtainable, ever. Or maybe whatever my idea of fair is is completely off track with whoever Im dating at the time's ideas of fair are because they rarely ever reconcile. Oddly, my ideas reconcile with my friends' ideas pretty fucking often though.

Oh boo. Relationships are difficult. Really, Chrissy? You are the first person to ever have this notion! I guess I am too old for a "Life isnt fair!" tantrum.

Im hungry. xo

Funny things are on TV

2010-03-01T12:30:00.000-08:00

ucking finally there are some funny things on TV! I discovered this yesterday while very, very hungover in bed, and I couldnt be more delighted! Even SNL has some recent funny stuff. Allow me to share with you my findings:

The first is a show on the FX Network called Archer. Its an animated series about double-crossing spies and it is FUCKING. HILARIOUS. Seriously, watch it and thank me later.

The second is a new series on HBO that Ive been excited about for a while called The Ricky Gervais Show. If you didnt already know, Ricky Gervais is the creator of The Office, he wrote and starred in The Invention of Lying, does excellent stand-up, and is basically the funniest man alive. His show is an animates series of conversations between himself, Stephen Merchant (Co-creator, co-writer and co-director of The Office) and Karl Pilkington (a producer of a radio show Ricky and Stephen used to do) that are absolutely hilarious. Apparently, the three did a series of podcasts which were the same format - just random conversations between the three of them - and had record-breaking downloads. So, HBO offered them their own show. And thank bejesus for that.

Third - also on HBO - is Funny or Die Presents. Honesty, there have only been two episodes aired so far, and the ratio of really funny stuff to not very funny stuff is on the unfavorable side, but I bring the show up because of one particularly hilarious sketch called Drunk History. I couldnt find a link to the entire sketch, but if you can manage to find it and watch it, or if you have HBO OnDemand, definitely watch the first episode if only for this one awesome sketch.

Well kids, I gotta get to class.

X's and O's.

Chronicles of a Deep Fryer: Episode 1

2010-02-20T11:43:00.000-08:00

his is the first of what I hope will be many updates on the delicious things that come out of the deep fryer Seamus got me for V-day. The pride I have in these simple snacks is so overwhelming that I needed an outlet.

First up: Avocado Fries.

These are A.MAZ.ING. Basically, you take avocado slices, bread them in panko and deep fry them for like 45 seconds. They are crunchy on the outside and creamy and nutty on the inside and you will want to eat them until you burst.

Next: Chicken Nuggets.

These are not your run-of-the-mill frozen chicken nuggets. I make these from scratch by cutting up and breading chicken tenderloins. I learned a sweet-ass tip from Paula Deen: add like a tablespoon of dijon or spicy mustard to your eggwash. The difference in flavor is subtle, but fucking awesome. Also, I like to use saltine crackers instead of bread crumbs because they are crunchier.

Ah, now I am hungry. And I need to get to my homework. Next into the deep fryer will most likely be oreo cookies and pickles. Pregnant ladies everywhere are green with jealous rage.

xo

Things took a turn for the weird...

2010-02-18T15:11:00.000-08:00

ecently, Seamus and I went to a bar in the neighborhood to play a couple games of pool when two strange things happened:

A guy approached me and complimented me on my piano key belt. This is a belt Ive had for years and it is my favorite, and I get a lot of compliments on it so everything seemed normal until it became clear that he really wanted it. He started by offering me $20. Then after I explained that it was my very favorite belt, and was not replaceable because Hot Topic hasnt sold them for years, he upped the offer to $30, two drinks (one for Seamus, one for myself) and some weed. Then he went $40, two drinks and weed. At that point I asked him if I could think about it. I went back to our table, texted my little sister (who is an assistant manager at a local Hot Topic) about the offer and when she replied "DUDE sell it. I can get you another one" I had to make a decision about what the "right" thing to do was. I couldnt take his ridiculous offer knowing that I would just be getting a new belt (that hadnt been worn for years and almost torn in half on the hole I use most), BUT, times are hard and some easy money and a free drink sounded nice. So I told him that I accepted his offer of $20 and two drinks.

As he was walking away in my favorite belt, and I was stuffing $20 into my pocket and sipping free whiskey, I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach, like I had made a bad decision. And right as the sinking feeling peaked, I looked up to see The Baseball Player looking confused at the transaction he apparently just witnessed. He came over and hugged me and I quickly explained what had just happened. He laughed and offered to buy Seamus and I a drink, and after politely declining, he offered to play a game of pool that he had been promising me for a while. I told him that Seamus and I were finishing up a game, and that we could play afterward. By that time though, I was feeling a little stressed and like I wanted a cigarette. I asked The Baseball Player and Seamus if they would mind waiting while I smoked real quick and they sort of looked at each other and shrugged and said "you go ahead, we'll just play each other."

Of course.

So after a smoke and a quick "awkward moment!" call to a friend, I came back inside to find them bonding over things they have in common. They are planning to BBQ and play Wii and go disc-golfing together. I am in disbelief. On the walk home Seamus tells me "he seems like a cool guy. I dont see why we cant be friends."

While I prefer this over the alternative scenario of them wanting to rip each others faces off, its just very... unexpected.

Why is it still so hard for me to be in the same room with the Baseball Player? This is a question Ive been asking myself and considering very carefully. He has that thing going for him that he has always capitalized off of: the alluring bad boy thing. Its purely physical and almost never the best decision. I just wish I would hurry up and grow out of being the silly little girl that is even remotely affected by it. Im almost there. And thats exciting.

xo

LOST as a Metephor for Relationships: A V-Day Special

2010-02-12T12:39:00.000-08:00

alentines Day is fast approaching and also the final season of LOST is upon us and a few things dawned on me: the creators of LOST are never, ever going to answer my questions about the show even though they have been promising to do so for 6 years. Im developing an increasing suspicion that the "answers" that will "tie up" the shows plot in the end are going to be something that totally pisses me off, like some dude waking up and realizing the whole thing was a fucked-up dream. And, so help me, if they do something like that I will FUCK. THE. FUCKING. GROUND. UP.

Anywho. Im also developing an increasing suspicion that, like LOST, I will never ever understand relationships and those alien creatures we call men. Not that there is anything to be worried about between Seamus and I, its just, you know, a mystery how it all works. Sometimes I feel very much like I am stranded on an island, and that Ive traveled back in time (reverting back to childish ways and -maybe- tantrums), thinking that Ive got some aspect figured out only to discover some unexpected plot-twist, and etc. No smoke monsters, though. Well, unless you considered school and homework the magical smoke monster of my life, lurking in some cave, waiting to come out and ruin the party.

At any rate, I dont understand much of either one. All I know is that I love them both, even if they make me want to tear my hair out at times.

P.S. Have you seen Lamebook.com? Its my favorite.

♥ ♥ ♥

Ummm...

2010-02-08T12:52:00.000-08:00

uickly, before I have to get back to class, I wanted to vent about something I discovered last night while browsing the job market for positions in the field that I am currently studying, and that is this: REALLY?! THERE STILL ARENT ANY FUCKING JOBS TO BE HAD?! Sorry about the caps there, but, geez, the economy only seems to be worse than when I lost my job initially. I looked on the websites of these huge national engineering firms which, I wasnt really wanting to work for because I tend to not like giant corporations, but I thought, well surely THEY will have some openings, and NO! They really dont! And I thought, well, maybe if I have to relocate after school it wouldnt be the worst thing in the world, so I broadened my search to include the entire fucking nation and there just isnt anything anywhere! GAH.

Anyway, I did find a couple summer internship opportunities that I am getting letters of recommendation and transcripts ready for (and they are decent positions in government agencies which always look good on the resume) so that was reassuring. Im just hoping that the job search is much MUCH different in a year when I graduate.

Gotta run back to class. More on LOST later.

Smoochies

Procrastination

2010-01-31T13:52:00.000-08:00

ately, to the surprise of no one, my motivation to do homework every day after class has been non-existent, and also no where to be found is my motivation to catch up on homework on the weekend. This always leaves me scrambling at the last minute and I always tell myself that I will quit doing this to myself but I never stop. Case in point: I should definitely be catching up on homework right now, but here I am, blogging.

So things are new in the realm of Seamus and I. He's asked me to move in with him some time in the next couple months and I am considering it. Im always at his house anyway, and my roomie is prego and all that. So, it makes sense but its still a big step and since Ive been in this live-together boat so many times before, I guess Im a bit jaded because the whole break-up-and-move-out thing is obviously how it always ends and that is never fun. Honestly, Im tired of moving. I need some godddam stability. On the other hand, he is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time, and being with him makes me incredibly happy.

For his birthday, I decided to rally our friends together, pool resources and get him the best present ever - a foosball table. His favorite thing under the sun is foosball (next to disc-golf, I suppose) and I found a really great deal on an awesome table, so I couldnt pass up the opportunity. Though he was pretty drunk when he said it, he told me it was the best present he had ever received. That and the look on his face when he saw the box made it worth every penny. After we got the thing put together (which, by the way, took and experienced construction worker and an engineering student about 3 hours to accomplish) we played so much damn foosball that I developed blisters on the palm of my right hand.

Yesterday, I went on Amazon.com and purchased a bunch of soul music, made a sweet-ass playlist and spent the majority of the day in the kitchen, listening to it and cooking. Cooking to soul music is the best ever. I think it improved my recipe for one of my favorite things to eat on a lazy day - Poutine. This time, I battered my french fries before deep-frying them (adding extra crispy yummines) and in addition to the usual cheese and gravy toppings, I threw on some chopped green onion. I meant to take a picture to share, but its almost impossible to pause before devouring poutine, once its ready.

Anyway kids, those steel stress analyses and natural logarithm problems arent going to do themselves.

xo ♥

Whew

2010-01-20T13:09:00.000-08:00

reathing a deep sigh of relief today. Well, let me back up a little: Ive been struggling in my pre-calculus class because my teacher is a fucking crack head and his lectures are completely incoherent and impossible to follow. I almost left class in tears on Friday because I am nearing my wits end. I need to take calculus next term to stay on track with the engineering program so I have to pass this class and go into calculus with a good grasp on this stuff. Well, that isnt happening right now. Last week we got our grades on our first quiz and only 3 people out of 25 passed it and the average score was a 56. So, Im not the only one who cant seem to learn shit from this guy.
Anywho! I just got a text from a friend of mine saying that he will tutor me and not to worry about it. *Whew*.

This reminds me of a huge pet-peeve of mine that Ive recently discovered, and that is when teachers show up to class with no apparent game plan or lecture or material prepared. And Ive noticed this more often in math classes recently which I think is totally unacceptable! You cant just show up and wing it and expect that students are going to walk away with any sort of deep understanding of whats going on. This is what inevitably ends up happening when a teacher is winging it through a math lecture: a student will pick a confusing problem out of the book and ask about it; the teacher, having never seen the problem in his life, will try to work the problem out on the board when he realizes, that, gee, the problem is tough and HE ends up spinning his wheels on it a bit before remembering, "oh yeah, thats how you do it"; while trying to notate and follow the whole process, the class ends up more confused than ever. Ive been in great math classes and the thing that sets them apart is that the teacher shows up with a prepared lecture, prepared notes for the students to follow and copy, strategically selected example problems that illustrate each facet of the formula/rule/whatever that is being taught, AMPLE time for question and answer, and a good understanding of what needs to be covered for each homework assignment. I fucking HATE IT when the teacher asks you if you have any questions about the homework and you know damn well he didnt cover everything he assigned (mostly because he has no idea what he's assigned) and you get home, look at the homework and have a million questions. The thing that angers me most is that teaching is this guys JOB. I am expected as a student to come to class prepared, he should MOST CERTAINLY be expected as the teacher to have lectures and etc. prepared for class!

Ok. End rant. I guess Im just super fired up about this because Ive never struggled in math so much. Perhaps Ive always had good math teachers and thats why it seemed to come so easily to me. Oh, good teachers of the world, how I love and appreciate you more than ever right now.

In complete contrast to this, my Physics/Strength of Materials teacher is brilliant and amazing and awesome and I love her. I only wish she taught every class I need to take.

Seamus is making delicious flank steak for dinner tonight. Mmmm...

X's and O's

Drying out

2010-01-19T11:58:00.000-08:00

nother dry spell is in order at this point in my life, I believe, though this one will no doubt be shorter than the year and a half Pancho and I went without booze a few years ago. One of Seamus's friends is doing a thing they call "Sob-uary" (Sober January) and hasnt had a drop all month. Ive decided to not drink until Seamus's birthday on February 4th (and - who knows - maybe longer).

Boozing is making it exceedingly hard to stay focused on school and its making it nearly impossible to drag my ass out of bed for my 8am class. After partying down until the very wee hours over the weekend, my body is begging for a break and I cant afford to deprive it of one. If I can figure out how to play pool without drinking I may go on a lengthier booze hiatus, or at least restrict the drinking to very few occasions. At any rate, Im no spring chicken anymore and I cant be losing entire days to hangovers when I need to be studying. It just aint cool. Besides, I quite enjoy sober stuff - I think drinking excessively during the winter months in Portland is kind-of something the kids do to pass the time, and its not really necessary.

So, is everyone excited for the final season of LOST?! I personally cannot fucking WAIT. Its my duty to get Seamus caught up on last season before this one starts, so I am going to impose a strict LOST regimen that will bring him up to speed in time.

Also, lets dont forget about The Jersey Shore finale. Will there be a season 2? Im torn about whether I want one or not...

xo

Jersey Shore, Bitches!

2010-01-15T12:42:00.000-08:00

nfortunately I only have a few minutes to discuss something that you and I both know would only be a shame if allowed to go on un-discussed on this here reputable blog: The Jersey Shore. I dont even need to include a link to the show's website because everyone on Earth and beyond has heard about it.

Here's the thing: I love the Jersey Shore because I love to watch tv shows about douche bags because I have this sick sort of fascination with them. Its the same reason I watch The Hills and Tool Academy and sometimes VH1 shows about a "celebrity's" quest for "love" (but, for some reason, The Real World and the stupid Real World Challenges are WAY beneath the depths my fascination is willing to reach these days, probably because they are just boring). For instance, I tuned in and grossed myself out by watching Daisy De La Hoya's fish lips every week until she ultimately (and to no ones surprise) picked that douche bag London over the far less douche-y Flex, because one douche bag inevitably attracts another. There is some sort of douche-science that can be studied here, if you can stomach to watch it long enough.

The Jersey Shore is to douche-science what calculus is to math. Its a way more complicated level of douche-dom than most people dare to achieve. And there are even formulas - Gym + Tan + Laundry = Clubs * Fist Pumping/Beating the Beat.

This obviously results in millions of fascinated people all over the country (like myself) who tune in every week out of sheer curiosity. For me, its like MTV discovered aliens and filmed them in their natural habitat - of course Im gonna watch that shit!

Damn, gotta get back to class.

X's and O's

Get ya learn on

2010-01-14T11:57:00.000-08:00

hy would my shift key be fucking with me when my computer isnt even a year old? Quality stuff here, kids.

Seamus has the most amusing books of useless facts and I thought I'd share a few to keep the spirit of learning positive on this here blog. So, lets all learn something together!

Did you know that:

Hard-rock music makes termites chew through wood at twice their usual rate.

Bloodhounds cannot smell the difference between identical twins.

It takes food seven seconds to reach the stomach.

Only an estimated 6% of Beatles autographs are real.

There are $680 worth of Ebay transactions every second.

One in ten Europeans was conceived on an Ikea bed (according to the company).

In 37% of Americans the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.

About 8,000 Americans are injured by musical instruments every year.

More than 50% of the world's population have never made or received a phone call.

Everyone is color blind at birth.

My thirst for wine has never been mistaken for anything else. Anywho, there is a whole book of them so I could obviously go on and on.

In other news, school has been "meh" and I dont think I like my Analytic Geometry teacher but there isnt a damn thing I can do about it. My pool game has been OK recently, but nothing to brag about. Though, I have been winning matches recently and that has been nice. Things with Seamus are (obviously) splendid.

The possibility that he and I may move in together has come up recently. My roommates are expecting a baby in the next 6 or 7 months and will most likely want my room for a nursery. Seamus's landlord keeps getting scary looking mail from a mortgage company at his house, and last week there was a threatening notice posted on the door. Im not sure how long foreclosure takes, but I hope its about 6 or 7 months. Right now, we are keeping the status quo, with me mostly staying at his place (where there is a better TV, better cable and a better desk to spread the homework out on) and the two of us occasionally crashing at my place. My guess is that if we joined forces and got a place together, the biggest difference would be that we would be spending less money on rent between the two of us.

I need to get my sleep schedule back on track. Is it possible to make yourself be sleepy enough to fall asleep at a certain time? I guess thats what sleep aids are for. Also, my cat has decided that she is the only one allowed to nap during the day, as every time I try to lay down to catch a couple winks after class, she is all up in my shit, purring and kneading and doing anything in her power to keep me awake. I told Seamus that I was going to wake her up every time I caught her in cat nap, but he made the compelling argument that the likeliness of her grasping the concept of my revenge is very, very slim. And I guess just pissing her off would do no one any good. So she wins this time, but I'll get mine somehow. Mark my words.

♥

I think I need a cup of coffee right now

2010-01-07T12:17:00.000-08:00

ometimes, when Im watching deliciously awful reality tv shows, Im surprised that I have never seen anyone that I know or have known on one! Doesnt it seem like everyone on earth will be on a reality show at some point or another? All of these random ass people on tv, and I dont know any of them! Get it together people I know!

Anywho. Tonight, come hell or high water, I am going to bake a yummy red velvet cake. I just ♥ red velvet cake and my craving must be satisfied!

*sigh*

I miss so many things right now. BUT! Ive decided to do my best to keep my head and focus in the present, because I am just too damn easily distracted these days. Its too damn easy to slack and hang out with Seamus and my friends instead of focusing on my goals and making the sacrifices necessary to meet them.

Our pool team finished in second place at our league playoffs in both 8-ball and 9-ball and I have two shiny trophies to show off because of it! We were also rewarded as the team with the best sportsmanship with little token-coin-thingies. The sportsmanship thing was a really cool surprise, but not because we arent friendly when we play, its just nice to see that someone noticed. Well, a lot of someones noticed. Each week you rate the opposing team on sportsmanship on your score sheet on a scale of 1 to 5, so we had high scores consistently. Ive definitely noticed that sportsmanship is not always a priority for a lot of teams, and my favorite teams to play are my favorites not because of their skill level, but because they are fun to play, win or lose.

After playoffs and finals and the holidays I was convinced I was going to quit playing pool in a league because it was just too stressful, and playoffs are often scheduled around the same time as finals each term/session. But, after winning my first 8-ball match in a LONG time on Tuesday night and getting our trophies, Ive realized that playing pool does make me happy, and that - as long as I am responsible about time management - I should be able to make time for it. Getting my homework done early and not slacking should leave plenty of time for a game of pool here and there during the week, and on Tuesday nights when we meet and play for league, as long as I go straight home from class and bust out my homework beforehand, I should be fine. The only challenge is Wednesday mornings - being in class at 8 am after playing pool til almost midnight the night before. :/

Anywho, here I am slacking when I have PLENTY of homework to do.

Smoochies.

Schools in for winter

2010-01-05T12:35:00.000-08:00

efore I get to where ever it is I end up going with this I would just like to acknowledge the fact that, yes, I do get away with things. I was going to start this by whining about how I never get away with anything, and then, upon further reflection, I realized that that is completely un-true. I get away with stuff. Sometimes, though, the shit other people get away with baffles me. Shit I would never even attempt. A very small and largely insignificant example of this is the state - the PHYSICAL state - in which my used physics book arrived to my house via UPS shipment from my schools bookstore. I paid $100 for the WORST looking, most marked-the-fuck-up book I have ever seen. All of the different colors of highlighter and cryptic notes and scribbles and fucking hieroglyphics all over the pages are so distracting Im certain it will be impossible for anyone to use the thing as a learning instrument. WHO did this to this book and thought, "Yeah, I'll sell this back to the bookstore because someone else will TOTALLY be stoked on what Ive done to it." and then got away with it?! I took it in today to exchange it and I had flipped through no more than 2 or 3 pages when the guy behind the counter couldnt stop himself from saying "Jesus Christ! That is TERRIBLE!" then he added "I cant believe they sent this to you." No shit, buddy.

Anyway. So yeah. Who does that? So, school is back in session and pool league is back in session as of tonight, and these are two things that I talk about way, way too much. I was thinking earlier, "my blog is totally irrelevant and I never really say anything super meaningful." But then I got to wondering if my blog really needs to be relevant or meaningful to anyone but my damn self? I concluded that it doesnt. But still, writing a boring and repetitive blog is not cute. So, whatever. Perhaps I could resolve to try and have a profound thing or two to say on here every now and then (I like vague resolutions) or at least sound clever once or twice. :)

I ran into the Baseball Player again the other night. (That happens sometimes, I guess I havent mentioned that before. Its inevitable when we live and hang out so close to each other.) For some reason I get this vibe from him like he is expecting that things between Seamus and I will run its course and I will come crawling back to him in no time, but then he is kind-of surprised when that isnt the case. And he still flirts heavily with me every time he sees me, which was hard for me at first, but is no longer a big deal. I kind-of just allow it - to be nice - but feel sorta bad inside because I am certain that there is nothing he could do or say to convince me to make a colossal mistake like jeopardizing what I have with Seamus for anything he would be willing to offer me in return. I mean, I feel bad that I allow it to happen even though... his flirting is rather pointless...

Im getting very tired and making less and less sense with each passing minute...

I should nap now. Yes. A nap is needed.

xoxo

More mush.

2010-01-02T19:08:00.000-08:00

ew Years was just as ooey and gooey and lovey dovey as the rest of my posts lately. So, I'll spare you the disgusting details and sum up what I CHOOSE to remember about 2009 with this classic:

The truth is that 2009 was fucking rough for me and that much is detailed to some extent in this here blog, but it ended fantastically - making all of the agony totally and completely worth every tear and lonely night and panic-attack riddled freak-out. So, 2010, LETS DO THIS FUCKING THING. Because this time Im ready.

School starts Monday. Physics, Strength of Materials and Technical Trig/Analytical Geometry. BRING IT.

xoxo

pout

2009-12-27T20:28:00.000-08:00

od damn it! I cannot shake this gloomy mood. Ok. I have a piece of advice for you: DO NOT go see Where the Wild Things Are if you are already feeling down in the dumps and definitely DONT take your 8-year-old son to see it if you've talked him into it instead of something else he wanted to do. He will look at you as you are leaving the theater like "GREAT idea, mom." And then he will actually comment to you later that the movie was incredibly sad (and you will have to be like, "I know, it bummed me out too"). It isnt that the movie was bad per se, and under different circumstances I may have really enjoyed it, it just more of a good movie about being a kid, and not so much a good movie for kids. Not that kids cant or shouldnt be expected to handle or grasp the dark tone and somewhat complex subject-matter; I just happen to be of the opinion that my son will soon enough discover that life often consists of one sad or depressing situation after another, and that, until then, Im totally fine with him enjoying some blissful ignorance. The movie just seemed to say to me (in my current mind-set) "hey kid, life is hard and often sucks - get used to it." Cool. Thanks Spike Jonze.

Anywho. Adding to my melancholy is the fact that Seamus is still in the bay area until late tomorrow night and I miss him terribly. Its kind-of pathetic that being apart from him for only 4 days has depressed me so, but we've never gone this long without seeing each other (living 5 blocks away from one another affords us daily visits, usually). Ive already gotten to the point of not being able to sleep well without him. Also, our Christmas trip was so awesome and wonderful and excellent that I never wanted it to end, let alone come home without him.

That said, I feel like the luckiest girl ever to have had such a great trip down to the sunny and beautiful bay area with him for the week before Christmas. His present to me - a necklace with a silver key on it (from Tiffanys!) - made me cry after he whispered in my ear "its the key to my heart."

*SWOON!*

Anyway, darlings. Dont you worry your pretty little heads about me, I'll be just fine. Ive got a bottle of wine and some feel-good movies to keep my spirits up tonight, Ive got a busy day planned for tomorrow, and - before I know it - it will be tomorrow night and Seamus and I will be cuddling each other on the couch.

Smooches.

Well Hello

2009-12-21T20:54:00.000-08:00

or the record, the intent of this post is not to make you insanely jealous of me, but it might happen anyway because, so far, our trip has been most excellent. There has already been plenty of delicious food, wine, sunshine, friendly people and awesome locations to make this girl feel a bit spoiled. In addition to staying at Seamus' grandparents impressive spread in the Saratoga hills, we've enjoyed wandering around the bay area and are definitely appreciating the fact that we didnt commit ourselves to the same rigorous schedule of places to be and people to see that we had during our Thanksgiving trip. In fact, this trip is all about what we want to do and when we want to do it. I took this picture Saturday evening while sipping a mimosa with Seamus on the beach in Santa Cruz at a place called Cafe Rio:

It was lovely. Yesterday it was coffee and bagels in downtown San Jose followed by cocktails and football (Go Steelers!) and then pizza and beers with Seamus' best friend. Today we've been lounging and nursing Seamus' very sore neck (likely caused by sleeping on the floor at the friends house) and just enjoying the grandparents company and their tendency to encourage us to nap (also grandma's southern cooking). Tomorrow we will do some Christmas shopping in San Francisco and hopefully eat something delicious.

My trips to the bay area have corrected a stereotype I placed unfairly on all of California based on my experiences in LA. This area of California has been nothing but an absolute pleasure to visit both times Ive come, and I look forward to coming back here as often as possible. Seamus and I made the drive in about 11 hours, so it isnt so far out of reach. We're thinking of planning a trip to the grandparents condo in Napa sometime maybe in the spring or summer.

I never thought I'd say this, but I ♥ California.

xo

What was I gonna say?

2009-12-17T09:56:00.000-08:00

aving little to no motivation to do anything productive during my winter break has been pretty counter-intuitive to my desire to get some shit done while I have the time to do it. Also the sleep schedule Ive acquired by staying up late and sleeping in is not helping at all. The combination of these two things has left me with a bunch of shit to get done today before Seamus and I head back down to the bay area tomorrow morning.

Is anyone else sick of hearing about Tiger fucking Woods?

Update City. Population: Me and You

2009-12-15T14:26:00.000-08:00

id you miss me? I bet you did. I know you are just DIEING to hear all about things in my life so I guess I will just get right to it.

Somehow, I managed to climb out of the homework hole and study and do pretty well on my finals and pulled off a 3.0 for the term. Im not gonna spend too much time talking about this at this point because its been too long since its happened and Ive thought so many thoughts about it that Im kinda sick of the subject already; but I will say this: I did myself a great disservice by allowing myself to slack in areas I knew I shouldnt be slacking in, and fixing that mistake required lots of hard work and stress that made the slacking time completely not worth it. So I have told myself that I will never do this to myself again (stay tuned to see if that actually happens).

Thanksgiving in California with Seamus was amazing. His entire family was so sweet and it was perfect, really. He and I cooked an impressive dinner for 16 which took all day, but was definitely worth all of the work. The food turned out better than we expected (we expected good, but everything really turned out great) and afterward everyone was so gracious and thankful and the night was just lovely. After dinner everyone insisted that Seamus and I not step foot in the kitchen for the clean-up, and instead we played a game of pool with each other, opened a bottle of wine and heated up the hot tub. We rewarded ourselves by getting good and drunk during a very long and lovely soak.

Other things happened during the trip as well, including a night where we somehow ended up at a small get-together in the most truly ridiculous house (mansion, really) that I have ever seen, and me being so ill in San Francisco that we didnt get to do any of the fun touristy things I had wanted to do so badly. (Alcatraz, etc.) I did, however, attempt to walk around Chinatown while very, very nauseous and that turned out to not be a very good idea at all. I begged Seamus to take me home after we walked past a dried fish market that nearly had me puking all over the sidewalk.

And I guess from there I can segue easily into saying that things between Seamus and I are unbelievably good. We travel well together, we enjoy the same things and we really enjoy each other. He has been so supportive of me with school and everything Im trying to do right now, its just been so refreshing after experiencing so much dating hell. I really am a very lucky girl.

Our pool league team made it to playoffs and tonight is the first night of that. Im stressing about that a little, but I have other things on my mind like another trip down to Cali next week and Christmas. Also, to put everyones mind at ease, I will admit that I have been thoroughly enjoying my winter break though school has helped my alcohol (and specifically, whiskey) tolerance go way, way down. This has effectively turned me into a pretty cheap date. Last night Seamus and I rounded up a few pals and headed over to the bowling alley where I beat everyone in a 3 game series for a jackpot of 6 whole dollars! It was good, clean, American fun. My break has consisted of lots of cooking, lots of eating, a fair amount of wine consumption, some game playin and a whole lot of relaxin.

♥ ♥ ♥

M.I.A.

2009-11-23T15:35:00.000-08:00

asically, I need a fucking miracle to survive this term. Ok, not really, but I dug myself into a homework deficit of epic proportions and it is going to take SERIOUS effort to recover. I met with one of my teachers today to discuss and we decided that while possible, this feat is quite ambitious. SO! I take this quick break from class to inform you of the following:

Party was fantastic. We looked amazing. Hopefully there are pictures to come.

Seamus emailed our shopping list for ingredients for thanksgiving dinner to his grandmother this morning. Holy Fuck. Its a lot of food.

I will be basically absent from this blog for the next few weeks as I have the trip and then immediately afterward preparation for FINALS (also giant homework hole to dig myself out of in the meantime).

Will I survive? WHO KNOWS!

Stay tuned...

♥

Procrastination is my middle name

2009-11-21T10:11:00.000-08:00

ust to be clear (and before I begin my mini-freak-out) I realize that I have brought the following on myself:

Serious behind-ness in homework

Serious broke-ness.

What I need from you people is reassurance that everything will work out in the end. Specifically, my peeps who have been (or are currently) in college and can say "listen, everyone has a period where they slack hugely on homework, but then they get their shit together just in time for the term to end and pass the class and move on thinking 'fuck, I will never do that to myself again' but, eventually they do do that to themselves again because thats just the way school is". Please, as many people as possible tell this to me now.

On a happier note, the countdown continues toward Wednesday evening when Seamus and I will leave on our Thanksgiving vacation to California. Also! Tonight two of our friends are throwing a housewarming party and I have been looking forward to this event all week because there is a "dress up" theme and I havent felt like a girl in a very, very long time. Ive been able to focus all of my wandering (and these days, fleeting) girly thoughts on this one outfit and this one occasion so my plan is pretty meticulous. The accessories are in place (although, I couldnt find my hoop earrings and had to improvise), the hair and nails will finally be done up - AND I will spend at least thirty minutes doing my make-up (which will probably result in a look that used to only take me ten minutes to do). Also, I will have a very handsome date on my arms, as Seamus looks positively sexy in a suit.

Speaking of Seamus, he met my mom last night for the first time, and I have to say it went really well. Im just relieved to have that part over with, as its always kind of nerve-racking. He was cool as ever though and didnt seem the slightest bit phased. I hope I can take a cue from him and be as cool when I meet his family next week.

I am too excited to do homework. This has GOT to stop.

Smooch. ♥

Busy busy busy

2009-11-19T12:48:00.000-08:00

MFG you guys! I have so much to do! TONS of homework, prep for a party on Saturday and prep for our trip to San Jose on Wednesday plus, you know, attending class. I have no idea if I can get it all done, but Im gonna try my hardest.

Last night my need for organization and planning went into overdrive and Seamus and I realized that we needed to coordinate an oven schedule for all of the cooking we're going to be doing on Thursday. His grandmother called to tell him that there are now about 20 people coming, so we have a lot of food to cook and very, very limited time to do it in. Since we are going immediately from the airport to the Sharks game Wednesday night, we will have to run a tight ship to get everything done in one day on Thursday - by 4pm. We've got a pretty solid plan though, so I think we might just pull off a miracle. So far, we've planned a pretty ambitious menu of two appetizers, one turkey (his dad will also be deep frying another turkey), six sides and two desserts. Between the two of us though, I think its totally do-able.

What am I doing blogging?! I have so much to do...

All the x's and o's your little heart can handle,
-C

Good things

2009-11-17T19:13:00.000-08:00

y initial instinct to log on and show solidarity for KFR's list of things he hates by listing the things I hate has been vetoed by my dire need for optimism right now. Seriously, you guys, I need to find a silver fucking lining as the list of things I hate is very, very extensive (and detailed) right now...

SO! A list of things I ♥ :

My cat gets super cuddly and headbutts me. Its adorable every time.

Seamus's roommates cat, Slim, gets all fired up and runs around the house and does random little hops and sometimes you can just catch the sight of her mid-air through a doorway.

(So, cats in general, really.)

Chocolate. Obviously everyone in their right mind loves chocolate.

Bubble baths. Seamus scrubbed his beautiful claw-foot tub just for me to be able to take my first bubble bath in over a year (and my first bubble bath ever in a claw-foot tub) last night and it was most delightful.

Comedies. I really never seek out a movie to watch that isnt a comedy. Or, rarely ever, anyway. I sometimes get all sappy and in the mood for a chick-flick, or a nice action/adventure or suspense film, and I honestly NEVER like to watch horror; usually, though, Im in the mood for comedy because laughing at funny things is awesome.

(This is where I reveal how nerdy I am) I really love it when I work out a long equation and get the answer right the first time. When everything just clicks and makes sense and adds up. And in the end - perfection. Only one right answer and I found it. Sad, isnt it?

Girly, crafty things like those found on this blog that I discovered today called Creature Comforts. I could have sunk my entire day into clicking around on links and projects from that blog alone. *sigh* Someday I will have time.

Cooking. As you know, I absolutely adore to cook. And who doesnt love food?

Guilt-free lazy days where you just say "fuck it" and turn off your cell phone and curl up on the couch and watch an entire season of Dexter or The Wire or True Blood or some other excellent show all day, completely ignoring the outside world. On these days its best to have food delivered, for efficiency. An entire season in one day is quite a feat, and while I love it very, very much, there can be no time spent cooking.

Keeping in mind that winter break is almost here, and everything I listed can be done indoors at any time, this cheers me up. I have an insane amount of homework to catch up on, but, after all my hard work this term I am most certainly going to reward myself with most (if not all) of these things as often as I can during my time off from school.

Love,
-C

Keep on keepin' on

2009-11-16T13:27:00.000-08:00

an you believe that finals are in a few weeks? Me either! And then in class today we realized that winter break is almost a month long while spring break is only a week long and even the teacher agreed that that is incredibly unfair. It would be nice to have more time off when the weather is nice-ish. However, do not get me wrong, dear reader, I am most certainly not complaining about getting almost an entire month off of school after this hellish term! Thing is, after almost a month everything I learned this term will no doubt be completely gone from my brain. Thats a definite problem I have - utter lack of ability to retain information. Except song lyrics. Im pretty damn good at memorizing those.

Ok, one more thing about school and then lets talk quickly about things that are more fun: I was looking around the class today and was kind of shocked at the number of people that have, for one reason or another, quit the program already. I knew it would happen eventually, you know, the herd thinning and all that, but I thought it would take longer. Granted, our statics class is definitely challenging, but did these people think that engineering was a breeze? The one class that I am worried about most for myself in the program is the surveying class and this is only for stupid shallow reasons like a) I do not care to tromp around in the great outdoors measuring things and b) I do not care to tromp around in the great outdoors measuring things. This is something I can overcome temporarily.

Anywho.

Things that are more fun to discuss:
After spending much of the day on Saturday doing homework, I decided to treat myself to a night of relaxing and enjoying some adult beverages. This turned into a last minute decision to sing Karaoke at a VERY popular Karaoke spot in North Portland. The place was PACKED. The KJ informed me that I would likely not get to sing, but I put my song in anyway. Luckily, the venue was big enough that I could wait for my turn far enough away from where everyone was singing that I didnt have to sit through drunken renditions of the same stupid songs that everyone decides to butcher in unison with all of their stupid drunk friends. As the place emptied out my name moved quickly up the list. The bar was still so loud by the time it was my turn that I couldnt hear myself no matter how loudly I sang. Meh. The night was still fun. My drunken friends and I definitely pissed off our cab driver later in the night, but all in all, the evening was a great time and I decided not to feel guilty about my hangover the next day.

If I had three wishes for tonight they would be: a bubble bath, a peppermint paddy (hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps) and Dexter Season 3.

♥ ♥ ♥

2009-11-15T20:06:00.000-08:00

oly shit you guys, CUTE OVERLOAD:

Thats all.

Perspective

2009-11-14T16:41:00.000-08:00

e showed up bright and early at the bar this morning for our pool matches, and neither Kelly, Seamus or I ended up playing. So that felt like a colossal waste of time. (BTW, I heard someone say in a movie last night that "She and I" is not correct, and that "she and me" is. WTF? This cannot be true.) But, it was nice to get up early and have breakfast with my teammates, even if we were in a bar wasting time, essentially. Everyone else indulged in a morning cocktail but I reluctantly passed, as I had (and still have) a shit-ton of homework to do and nothing kills my motivation for productivity quicker than booze.

So, I was given some food for thought today in the engineering lab at school when I made a joke about dropping out and working at McDonalds. One of my classmates was like "Uh, have you never had a shitty job before?" and I said "Oh. Ive had my share of shitty jobs" and he says "Well so have I and I would rather do this than work a shitty job any day of the week." And I was like "Touche'." I got to thinking on the drive home that my perspective on school has been all wrong recently. Yeah Ive bitched and moaned about the amount of homework I have (cause it is a lot) but at least Im not working at some god-awful dead end job for some asshole that I hate and not going anywhere with my life. All of my hard work in school is going to pay off with a job I (hopefully) love, doing things that interest me and make a positive contribution to society while affording me a comfortable living. Thats all a girl wants! (Well, thats all this girl wants, anyway.)

A title escapes me

2009-11-13T14:30:00.000-08:00

ast night I laid down on the couch at 8:30 (after cooking and eating dinner) and proceeded to pass the fuck out, and not wake fully (other than to move to the bedroom) until my alarm went off this morning, and even then, I did not want to get out of bed. It seems I would clearly rather be sleeping than anything else these days.

The team I play pool on has a make-up match to play tomorrow morning at 10am because the opposing team wanted to reschedule a few weeks ago when we were supposed to play them originally. SO, we get to wake up and go straight to the bar tomorrow morning. Lovely. (Lets dont pretend that we all havent wanted to do that at one point or another.)

The holiday season feels so different this year. Last year I was all "bah humbug" for the first time ever and this year it feels good to be back to my usual "I ♥ the holidays" self again. I guess Im just in a much better spot this year than last (in more ways than one).

I met Seamus's dad for the first time on Wednesday night. He was in the area for a business meeting and made a point to come to Portland to take Seamus and I to dinner so that I would know someone other than Seamus when we are in California for Thanksgiving! Im convinced that he comes from a family of the sweetest people ever and I may be falling in love with them already. Apparently, he went home and told Seamus's mom how much he liked me and she immediately scheduled mani/pedi's for she and I the day after Thanksgiving! So many exciting things happening on that trip - I really, really cant wait.

I have the strangest desire to stay in and cuddle with Seamus and watch Dumb and Dumber tonight. Followed maybe by Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. Stupid Jim Carrey movie marathon, anyone? I ran this idea by Seamus and I think he is 5 seconds away from breaking up with me for it.

Smooches.

P.S. - I replaced all of the buttons on my pea coat yesterday and sewed them on with 25lb fishing line. I dont know what the crap it is about pea coats that makes the buttons fly off like crazy, but I got sick of losing buttons and this is my solution. If the fishing line doesnt keep them on, then I wasnt meant to own a functioning pea coat. (Also I will be ultra pissed about losing any of the new buttons I put on as I bought the last 12 I could find, paid $40 for them, and, obvioiusly, they are very cute.)

Panic!

2009-11-08T11:48:00.000-08:00

etting my shit together doesnt seem to be a high priority for me lately. This is not good, but is to be expected from time to time I suppose. Somehow I need to squeeze in more homework hours than there are in the day, and entire Sunday of football watching (which can be done simultaneously, I suppose) and then Squash Fest this evening. Squash Fest is a gathering of Seamus's peeps that happens every fall and the idea is to bring an inventive and delicious squash dish. I am mostly leaving the cooking to Seamus because he came up with the idea to add squash to my tacos de papa recipe and because I definitely dont have time to cook.

Ive put myself in the position of having to cram more shit than is humanly possible to do in one day because the "fuck it" got a little strong in me Friday night and continued to be quite formidable yesterday while hungover and doing NOTHING at all. Whats a girl to do? Get creative, thats what. Prioritise.

Actually, now that I think of it, blogging is the last thing I should be doing right now, but I guess a little of the "fuck it" remains today.

Seamus's friend knitted me the CUTEST Sharks beanie ever. I cant wait to wear it to the game! Seamus himself was a little jealous of it, but also happy that his girlfriend will be sporting the best looking head gear in the arena.

I discovered this song by the Beastie Boys the other day and I highly reccommend litening to it while doing just about anything. It'll just make your day pleasant:

Coffee. Need Coffee. And lots of it. This is going to be an interesting day.

X's and O's and lots of ♥

Not Math

2009-11-04T16:40:00.000-08:00

ffort to lighten up this here blog needs to made, and so I bring you non-math related... things:

Have you ever heard of a Spirit Bear? Its a white black bear! What the hell are you doing, Spirit Bear? You are supposed to be black! This is why I never want to spend any significant amount of time in Alaska. They're just making up bears that no ones ever even heard of! Im not down with getting my ass eaten, so I think I will view Alaska from somewhere safe, like the internet.

Today at school there were people trying to get non-registered voters to register and so they stand around asking people if they are a registered voter. For no good reason at all my answer was "No I hate democracy, Im a communist." Neither of which is true. I like democracy and Im registered and I vote. Perhaps it was the 3 whole hours of sleep I got last night.

While getting ready to settle into some serious homework earlier, I discovered 3 chocolates that Seamus left on his desk, presumably just for me to find right when I am thinking about catching a javelin with my face because I am hating how much homework I have. That Seamus, hes the bees knees.

My addiction to Mafia Wars is the strangest thing. Honestly, I cant even describe it.

Im drinking coffee occasionally again and I hope my tummy allows this to continue. Being alert at 8am is just not something that will happen naturally for me. Naturally, at 8am, I am wanting to kill everyone in sight and/or do anything possible to get back into bed.

My friend Stefan made this video for a local Portland band called Ramona Falls for their song "I Say Fever" and I am kind of obsessed with it:

Isnt it amazing? I had no idea the extent of Stefan's talent! Now I do. Well done, sir.

Seamus loves that gay-ass show Pardon the Interruption and I hate it. I forgive him though. No ones perfect. For the most part, our taste in prgramming is very similar, but we each have a show we like to watch that the other hates. His is that stupid PTI and mine is the amazing Sex and the City. Obviously I have superior taste, but that is to be expected. ;)

Thats all.
Smooch. ♥

California Dreamin'

2009-11-03T13:23:00.000-08:00

es, Ok? Yes. I slacked on homework and opted to celebrate Halloween over the weekend instead of doing the ridiculous amounts of homework I should have done, and now Im paying for it. I realize this was a bad decision, but Im done beating myself up for it. Shit happens.

In other, non-scholastic news, Seamus's dad got tickets to a Sharks game for us the night we fly in to San Jose and this is very exciting because Ive never been to a professional hockey game! Seamus is very serious about his love for the Sharks, though, so I thought it necessary to purchase a (very cute and girly) Sharks shirt to wear to show my solidarity. Very, VERY exciting things happening there.

Also in preparation for the trip (and because I havent treated myself to anything new in a very long time) I went to a couple of my favorite girly stores in the mall yesterday after school and picked up a few accessories to style up a couple outfits I plan on bringing. I figure I'll need to have something nice (but also casual and comfortable) for Thanksgiving day, something more dressy to wear on our last night when his parents want to take us out to a fancy restaurant for dinner, and then some cute and casual everyday stuff for in between. Im also super excited about the 2 days we plan to spend in San Francisco doing touristy things because I havent been there since I was like 13 and Seamus is going to show me all the things I missed and/or dont remember. What does a girl wear in San Francisco in late November? Sweaters? Long sleeves? Maybe short sleeves and a light jacket? I have no idea!

Anywho. These damn structure analyses arent going to do themselves.

XOXO

P.S. - My pool skills remain at a decent level and my foos ball skills are definitely becoming a bit more respectable! Theres something quite satisfying about being moderately competent at bar games.

2009-10-30T15:15:00.000-07:00

s usual, I am hating homework. This term, however, I feel more challenged than I ever have in a learning environment. Look, Im not gonna spend time blowing smoke up my own ass, but Im usually a pretty quick learner. Show me something, I will grasp it and be doing it on my own in no time. BUT this statics business has my brain all in knots lately. We do these intense structural analysis calculations that will get totally fucking screwed up if you lose a bit of focus at any point and you wont even notice anything has gone awry until half an hour later and then you have to go back and DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN. This happened to me and two girls in my class today. We were working as a group on an analysis of this truss and we got thirty fucking minutes into the damn thing and our teacher comes over and says, "Oh, its too bad I didnt come by sooner because I dont want you to use that method on this analysis, I want you to use THIS method..." and it wasnt even that our calculations were off, we just werent going about it in the specific WAY the teacher had wanted us to. So we had to erase everything and start all over. At one point one of the girls looked at me and said "Im going to lose it."
And last night I spend an hour on a homework problem only to realize at the very END of it that I had used a wrong angle IN THE BEGINNING and had to do the whole fucking thing over. SWEET.
Then, today at the end of class our teacher showed us a computer program that spits these analyses out in nanoseconds. Something that takes me an hour to do can be done by a computer in seconds. But, its important that I "understand HOW the computer got those numbers." UGH.
Im spending tomorrow afternoon with a tutor because I cant afford to spend any more time using wrong angles and losing hours worth of time doing the wrong damn homework problems.

Anywho! I was organizing my closet today after class and it reminded me of how girly I used to be. Drawers and shelves and racks of cute clothes that I havent worn recently because at 7am all my brain can come up with to wear to class is jeans, a t-shirt and a hoodie. Also I noticed today that my eyebrows and nails are atrocious.

*sigh*

I was entertaining myself on the drive home with the idea that when I am done with school I am going to design my own dream home. Like, design and draw the plans FOR REAL. Doing this in my spare time will take a while, but so will coming up with the money to make the thing happen. Perhaps when I am finally in a position to be a homeowner I will build it. Its going to have the greatest fucking closet and master bath EVER.

Tonight Im wearing make-up and accessories NO MATTER WHAT.

♥

Oh

2009-10-26T20:43:00.000-07:00

eally quick, I wanted to share this most adorable picture of Seamus and I being disgustingly cute at a birthday party:

and also ask opinions on the new and improved and decidedly more girly blog make-over. Do you love it?

Also, homework makes me want to cry sometimes.

Smooch.

Girly things...

2009-10-26T11:09:00.000-07:00

eamus is snoring in the bedroom and for some reason I am finding this adorable right now. Not so much when I am trying to sleep and he is snoring in my ear, but right now as I am drinking coffee and checking blogs and not feeling guilty about skipping class today, its incredibly cute.

I came upon that beautiful initial cap via the lovely blog (which is linked to the right) called How About Orange which I used to check every day and havent checked in a very, very long time. I love crafty blogs and girly-girl things and they always brighten my day, but recently they remind me of how I dont have time for cute little girly crafts, and that I dont have a place of my very own to decorate with such cutsey little things. *sigh* This is temporary, though. Perhaps I can poke around for an idea for cute and cheap crafty Christmas things to gift to my girly-girl friends and then figure out how the hell I will have time to make them.

Another thing I havent had time for and am missing greatly: my love of pop culture and celebrity gossip. Remember when I would post about my favorite juicy headlines from Hollywood? I must find time to do this again... Otherwise Im going to go crazy, drop out of school and acquire a massive cocaine addiction. Well, that or something less dramatic.

So, anyway, while I dont have much time for gossip or crafting girly things, and I dont have much time for blogging, I do have enough time to include a pretty little initial cap in my posts to beautify my place here on the interwebs where I will hopefully be gossiping more in the future.

Love,
-C

So

2009-10-25T17:44:00.000-07:00

Ive most definitely returned to the place that consists mostly of constant paranoia and terror about amounts of homework and due dates and all of the horrors that come with school and getting an education on the super fast track. This term, however, I am convinced that my homework load is double what it was in the spring, and I have weekly quizzes to obsess over, too.

In other news, Seamus and I are disgustingly happy and he is ridiculously good to me. Also, Ive never enjoyed cooking as much as I am enjoying cooking for and with him. He is very into food and cooking and Im learning a lot from him. He has sniffed out some of the best restaurants and eating spots in Portland, as well, so I am getting to experience new delicious things regularly. Though I feel like a novice in the kitchen, I really love to cook and learning new recipes and techniques, and the fact that Seamus has really liked just about everything Ive made for him is very flattering. Plus he has some of the coolest kitchen gadgets and that makes prep work almost fun (ok, it is fun to me, who am I kidding).

Last night we attended my friend Jess's annual Halloween party and that was extreme good times. I dressed up as my best friend Kelly and Seamus was a ninja. There were tons of good lookin kids in costume, no incidences (despite a visit from the cops) and tons and tons of delicious food (also a decent amount of not-so-delicious PBR). Afterward, a big group of us reconviened at our favorite bar and after closing time the party ended back at Seamus's house. I threw in the towel shortly thereafter but was woken up at 6am by Seamus crawling into bed complaining that an E party had formed in his living room and he wasnt sure how to graciously make it end. So I got up, went into the living room, turned the music off and asked if everyone had somewhere else to go. The hint was taken and ten minutes later the house was rid of drugged up strangers and Seamus and I passed out in peace and quiet. Needless to say, today I am not feeling so hot. Im reminded of the very reason I swore off PBR months ago. My body absolutly hates it.

Nothing is better for a hangover than red Gatorade, the Reggie from Pine State and football. I hope you guys had a chance to watch my Steelers end Minnesotas winning streak today. Go Pittsburgh!

XOXO

A moment to brag:

2009-10-19T14:50:00.000-07:00

Today Seamus brought my favorite soup ever - the lentil soup from Stanfords (which they only have on Mondays) - to school for me during my lunch break today, and I am still swooning over the sentiment. Also, my tummy is very happy to be full of deliciousness.

Tomorrow is an in-service day and is also the day of the bridge tour! No classes plus dinking around inside the Burnside bridge = happy Chrissy.

I have an A in my statics class and a B in technical math. Go me.

<3

'Member me?

2009-10-15T12:04:00.000-07:00

Didnt think so.
Anywho. The story of my life lately is just that I am too damned busy trying to keep it all together to ever stop and blog about it. Any free time I create is usually spent sitting or lying on the most comfortable surface available with Seamus and zoning out on some TV or watching football.

But the new thing is that I discovered that I am in no way automatically good at pool. I have to practice regularly. It was an ugly sight Tuesday night when I lost both my 8-ball and 9-ball matches horribly and was angry at myself for not making the time to practice ONCE the week prior. So, Ive decided that pool must be worked in to my already impossibly busy schedule. I attempted rather poorly to work a couple games of pool in last night between school, dinner and homework, but since it had been so long since Seamus and I had actually gone out and socialized in a bar with other people, we accidentally ended up drinking way too much and staying out way too late (and consequently spending way too much money). So, it cant be one extreme or the other, I gotta find that happy medium.

I certainly was no where near a happy medium this morning while incredibly hung-over in class and trying to wrap my head around the moment of force about a point and the equivalent resultant force and couple moment about a moment center. My statics class requires my full concentration and missing a lecture is just not an option. Sometimes I wish I could just set up a video camera in the back of the class and then go the hell back home, but alas... I have to go... and learn.

I should sneak in a nap before homework has to happen...

Smooch.

Get it together, Dawson

2009-10-05T12:27:00.000-07:00

So it is almost certain that I will be accompanying Seamus to Cali to spend Thanksgiving with the fam. Im nervous about this for several reasons but lets just lump them all together under an umbrella called "Chrissy is nervous about every-damn-thing".

Reasons I am using to convince myself to not be nervous:

(I like a list lately)

Im not a punk-ass kid anymore. I used to get nervous about meeting the parents of just about anyone because I was afraid they were going to discover what a punk kid I was and not let whoever hang out with me anymore. I was constantly paranoid that I was gonna let some punk-ass kid thing to say slip out if I let my guard down and the jig would be up. Well, Im pretty sure those days are gone. While Im not the most responsible person for anyones kids to be hanging around, I generally have a positive influence on those around me, and, usually, when the shit is hitting the fan Im the one on damage control duty.

People usually like me. Im pretty easy to get along with and can usually socialize in most situations comfortably. Im fairly skilled in BSing and have definitely held my own in uncomfortable situations (and with a fair amount of grace, I'd say). Obviously, the right amount of alcohol helps immensely, however, the wrong amount of alcohol can quickly undermine everything the right amount of alcohol helped me achieve. So that is something to definitely be wary of.

I have heard from several sources (other than Seamus) that his parents are cool. This is a huge inside tip as I quite enjoy not having to worry about doing the leg work of finding this out on my own. Its always easier if you have an idea of whether or not the parents are "cool" and adjust the approach accordingly, than to have to learn something "the hard way".

Honestly, there are other things to be concerned with at this point in time (like school and unpacking) but, this is something Im pretty excited about and is on my mind lately. Life is still full of other things (pool, football, Mafia Wars, homework, class, friends, sleep, eating, petting the cat, etc.) so rest assured that I am not obsessing or freaking out over this yet. YET.

Oh! P.S. - Seamus's mom has run her own business as an interior decorator/designer for years and that was my childhood dream job! I hope Im not too annoying when Im fawning over her success or drooling all over what must be her beautifully decorated house.

xoxo

Ouch

2009-10-03T18:07:00.000-07:00

So, if there was a deficit of shenanigans in my life recently I definitely made up for it last night. Huge party at Seamus's house in which all of the following occured:

Boxing matches (which I unwittingly was pulled into)

Red lipstick all over my face and neck from a frisky cross-dressing dude

Trespassing into a neighboring abandonned house

Tons and tons of dance parties (obviously)

YouTube themed costumes (including dramatic gopher, girl has accident in hot tub, ask a ninja, etc.)

Broken casseroles

People passed out in Seamus's bed

Penguin mascot hugging and boxing (a lover and a fighter)

Ninja make-out sessions

Too too TOO much alcohol consumption

I refuse to go into more detail than that. Suffice to say that I woke up this afternoon with a massive headache and a hundred bruises.

I have too much homework and not enough motivation.

Only one X and one O because thats all I have in me.

Dorkathon

2009-10-02T11:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, this is how big of a nerd I am:

Last night I squealed with glee upon reading an email my Engineering Statics teacher sent our class regarding a field trip she's arranged for us to have. In it she says "This will be a tour of the downtown Portland bridges, led by a Multnomah County bridge engineer. We will be looking at the structures of the bridges and the mechanisms for opening the Hawthorne Bridge and the Burnside or Morrison Bridge. We will visit the control room of one of the bridges and possibly go inside a bridge to see the moving parts as the bridge opens and closes."

EEEEeeeeeeee!!!

Ok, that is all.

xo

Quickly

2009-09-30T15:19:00.000-07:00

I literally have 10 minutes to try and bring you up to speed with a couple things that are exciting:

I got an A on my trig test. W00t! I was a little worried about this because trig can be pretty confusing, especially at 8am. But! 93% aint bad!

Im almost completely moved into the new place. Love, love, love that house. Bring on the hot tub!

Seamus asked me last night if I would be interested in coming to San Jose with him for Thanksgiving to help him cook and... to meet his family! Holy S! Im both super excited and very nervous. Also, it was very sweet of him to say that he wants me to be his sous-chef because he knows I can cook and also it will keep me in the kitchen with him while he is busy cooking and not sharing any sort of awkward silence with any family members.

Finally won an 8-ball match in league last night, but then lost in 9-ball. :/

Ah, back to class.

Besos!

Things are good!

2009-09-24T15:30:00.001-07:00

So I have obviously been doing things that are not updating my blog. Oopsie. The funny thing about blogging is the more you have going on to talk about, the less time you have to actually talk about it. Or write, or whatever.

Anyway, so Seamus - things there are incredibly good. Unbelievably good. I have not felt like this about a boy in a very long time - he makes me very happy. He is definitely long-term commitment material and can I just say THANK GOD because I am so ready to be in a stable relationship that doesnt drive me bat-shit crazy on a daily basis. Also I am done feeling crazy because of boys and ready to just be crazy about one. I could make this into the longest, mushiest post about all the ways in which he is Wonderful, but I will spare you the grossness (oh - one little gross thing - he and I have a pact in which we try not to be as incredibly disgustingly gross as we are when no one is looking while we are in public/around other people. This is something we have to actively work at - you know, not being all crazy with the PDA and pet-names and all that other gross shit people who are totally insane for each other do. THAT is where I am at with this. And I couldnt be happier).

School - Holy fuck this term is intense and its only the first week. I am definitely getting a taste of how hard this program is going to be on my social life (or what USED to be my social life). But, the classes are challenging and I love that. Its a lot of hard work, but I am excited about how good its going to feel when Im done. I think that will be a key thing to keep in mind on days where Ive been listening to math lecture after math lecture for 8 hours in a day and then go home to do at least another 3 hours worth of math homework. Or next term when I am taking 18 credits and want to die. Luckily for me, life has decided to quiet down a bit, just in time for me to totally immerse myself in school. Or perhaps that was intentional on my part, but either way, well done.

So, yes, lately its been a whole hell of a lot of school, as much Seamus as possible and as much friend-time as possible punctuated with the occasional game of pool.

You stay classy, Portland.

xoxo

Doing Less

2009-09-14T16:14:00.000-07:00

So in preparation for school Ive been doing a whole hell of a lot of sleeping in and watching football and BBQing and cuddling Seamus and not much else. Its been working out really well for me so far, but its becoming apparent that somebodys gonna have to get off their ass and get things done (like financial aid paperwork, the acquiring of books, and moving into the new place) soon and I have a sneaking suspicion that that someone is me.

*sigh*

Ah, life. You finally feel good to me and then of course there is the stipulation of temporariness. Oh well, I will definitely take what I can get and I am MOST CERTAINLY enjoying my new found bliss, even if the start of school will end it all.

So I went ahead and totally dominated on a girl in pool league last week. Her skill level is ranked twice as high as mine and I shut her out in 9-ball, 20-0. This will most certainly boost my ranking, which, again, I am not exactly thrilled about. C'est la vie.

Heres hoping the Raiders and the Patriots both get their asses handed to them by the Chargers and the Bills tonight.

xo

New things

2009-09-10T12:09:00.000-07:00

So as life is ever changing, stuff is pretty different from the last update.

Things with the Baseball Player are no longer. Its something that we ultimately couldnt help, our schedules just did not allow for us to spend any time together and I was done with being in a relationship by myself, essentially. In the end, we tried - twice - and it just wasnt in the cards. This time around I am walking away confident, knowing that, for several reasons, being with him was not what was best for me. And I have no hard feelings toward him and will always be very fond of him.

Wednesday night a bunch of the best looking kids in town decided to play kickball in the dark at a park. It was drunken, it was difficult, it was physically strenuous, it was FANFUCKINGTASTIC. It was interesting to see a bunch of 20 and 30 somethings going balls-to-the-walls for a impromptu midnight kickball game when they havent exerted that much physical energy for anything in a LONG time. By the end of the night we had three injuries (including myself with a sprained ankle) and a visit from the cops. We concluded that it needed to be a weekly event, starting a bit earlier in order to avoid more interaction with the fuzz.

After the game I was assisted down the street to the nearest tavern where we congregated for post-game drinks and a much needed rest for my ankle. I spent the next couple days lying on the couch with my foot elevated, ankle wrapped and iced, watching football and the delicious showtime series The Secret Diary of a Call Girl.

Romantically: I know its soon after the Baseball Player, but there is something very exciting happening and, well, it (he) makes me happy. I met someone through a friend of a friend and we hit it off as friends instantly. We started hanging out, playing pool and spending time together (platonically) very often. Something about him just drew me to him - there is something about him that made me want to be around him all the time. Hes just very relaxed and laid back and easy to talk to and very hilarious. Also, a true gentleman. Slowly, something else starting developing - something not platonic. Once these feelings started emerging, I knew it was time to end it with the Baseball Player and to see where things would go with my new friend Seamus.

Seamus, though recently unemployed, has his shit together, is very smart, has some of the most awesome friends ever, is good at pool (bonus) and just seems to be one of those nice guys that often finish last in the relationship department. The guy that always ends up perpetually in the "friends zone". Which is where he almost ended up with me, until something happened. I think it was the night a bunch of us were at his house watching the Ducks game and I looked over at my new friend Seamus (a nickname I gave him because of his super Irish heritage) and realized that he was one of the greatest guys I'd met since I started this dating hell over a year ago, and any girl would be absolutely lucky to nab him.

Though I didnt have that instant lust for him like I'd had with the Baseball Player, there was no doubt in my mind that there was a definite attraction and connection on a deeper, more meaningful level. The Baseball Player is the kind of guy who a girl is thrilled to have hot sex with and hopes that he calls the next day (which he often wont) and eventually ends up breaking her heart because he knows there are a million other fish in the sea for him. Seamus is the kind of guy whos idea of hot sex is usually passionate love-making, who will cuddle a girl all night and the next day and goes out and buys her a toothbrush to keep at his house. He cooks for her and calls her and texts her and tells her hes crazy about her because he truly is. He pays attention to things she says and remembers details when subjects are brought up later. He knows her favorite color, foods she hates, her favorite drink and her siblings' names. The Baseball Player is the guy girls fuck, Seamus is the guy girls marry. In the romantic comedy, hes the uncoventionally attractive better guy that everyone hopes the girl will dump her douchebag boyfriend for and marry in the end.

Smooches, y'all.

Update City

2009-09-01T12:09:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I planned on writing this hugely convincing defense of the Baseball Player, but that is just silly. I will say a few things for Alexis's benefit (so that she doesnt think I am any more of a raving lunatic than I truly am):

I ended up getting to see and spend the night with him the very next night after my pouty post. He was attending a bachelor party and even went so far as to text me all night coordinating with me perfect timing for us to get together, which, I imagine texting and planning to meet up with ones girlfriend continuously might be frowned-upon behavior in some bachelor party circles. But, holy shit did he look HOT.

We had a long and in-depth conversation about things that I really needed to hear from him this time around, and he established the boyfriend/girlfriend status and his intent on being with me long term.

Some other things also, but I think that is sufficient. Things here are very complicated, and, as you mention, I have very little control over who my heart wants. Dating other people would be a complete waste of time and energy because Im pretty crazy about him at this point and am basically uninterested in other guys. Besides, I dont have the time or energy for dating multiple people right now.

So, there you have it, Alexis. Perhaps a perfect opportunity for one of us to be telling the other "I told you so!" in the future. ;)

In other news! I will be moving in with my friends Shellie and Dave and their son near the end of September. They have a beautiful house in the neighborhood and it is quiet and serene and I love it over there. I have spent weekends over there just relaxing and escaping my current living situation, so I am VERY excited to make that a more permanent setting for myself and Cash. Their son and my son get along famously and their whole set-up over there has the whole family vibe that I think will be more conducive to success in academics for me.

Fall term starts September 21st. My first class starts at 8am. This could be disastrous. Stay tuned.

X's and O's

FUCK

2009-08-29T05:32:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: for anyone who didnt want to think any LESS of me, move along and do not read this.

Ok, so yes, whatever - its 5:30 am and Im BLOGGING. Well, Im eating left-over Olive Garden pasta and blogging about a BOY when I have actual exciting news happening in my life. But, as per usual, it all takes a back seat to the male species. EVERYTHING takes a back seat to the male species at this godforsaken hour in my life.

So, The Baseball Player. Things have been going well for the most part, but for whatever reason I was desperate to see him tonight. I missed him and all of that bullshit, but also the last time I saw him I was incredibly drunk and may have said foolish things (well, things that are even more foolish than usual).

So tonight (last night, technically, now that it is 5am) I am looking cute with my hair all done and my face all done and a flattering top to go with my flattering jeans and I run into him and he says he has things going on but that he will call me later and wow I look great tonight. So I wait patiently, playing pool and drinking at my bar, but then the entire day of errands and very little sleep due to my super fucking awesome insomnia and everything catches up with me at about midnight and I feel the sudden urge to go home. Ok, also I was pouting a little because it was taking so damn long. So, I think to myself that I will just walk home and lay on the couch and relax until he calls, then I'll go over to his place and cuddle (or whatever) all night and be happy. Well, I pass out on the couch immediately. I wake up a couple hours later to the sound of my roommate having very loud drunken sex with her boyfriend, but in my half-asleep state of mind, must have forgotten that I was waiting for a call from mine and perhaps a similar fate. I finally come to at about 4:30 and look at my phone to see his missed call. Now I am too upset to sleep because I know encounters with him are few and far between and I may have missed my window of opportunity that wont open again for days and days.

WHO CARES about all of this, right? GAH. I mean, I should be able to go right back to sleep thinking "oh well, I obviously needed some sleep, I'll see him later" but NO. Here I am, pouting and sulking like a fucking teenage girl who didnt get asked to prom.

I cannot WAIT to grow up and not give a shit about these things. Actually, in revisiting my Sex and the City box collection, I have realized that women NEVER stop giving a shit about these things (well, perhaps until they're married at least). Perhaps The Baseball Player and I will suffer a similar fate to Carrie and Mr. Big where we will date and break each others' hearts on and off for ten years and then marry unceremoniously in a courthouse.

Lovely.

At least I'll be wearing fabulous shoes.

xo

So heres the thing about stuff

2009-08-21T00:28:00.000-07:00

Recently, Kelly was upset because she has been planning this camping trip for her birthday (which I HAVE to go to, but lets dont even get into THAT again) and a lot of people who had originally said they were going to go are flaking out on her. So, to remedy this, Erin and I put together a last minute BBQ in her honor at Laurelhurst park. We had this idea on Monday night and set the date for Wednesday night. I spent the 48 hours in between feverishly putting this thing together - texting, calling, emailing, facebooking, soliciting in bars, etc. So we had the thing last night and it was a fucking blast. I would say about 30 people showed up at one point or another, the food spread turned out phenomenally, everyone pitched in on the clean-up - making it lightning fast and super easy, and there was no drama or incidences with the law (30 young adults drinking in Portlands most popular park without a permit could be frowned upon by the rangers). It went better than I could have expected and all of the work I put into the thing (baking cupcakes in 100 degree weather - NOT fucking recommended, but it had to be done) was well worth it.
So Im thinking to myself - why is it more effective to spring things on people last minute than to plan out in advance? I mean, I guess the level of effort involved needs to be considered - while I was only asking people to show up to a neighborhood park with some salad or something for a few hours, Kelly was asking people to spend a whole weekend an hour and a half drive away. But, if planned out far enough, I think that should be do-able. The thing is, I think if you get an early commitment from someone, they tend to change their mind about the whole thing when it comes time to actually show up. Ive done that a million times. Ok, so, fair enough. But just because its common doesnt mean its ok.
Ive been trying to get better at this. If I say I will do something, and it comes time to do it, even if I dont want to, I really try to follow through on most occasions. I was getting a reputation as a flake (and I earned it) but I definitely want that to change. Being dependable may be an under-appreciated trait at times, but its better than letting everyone down all the time.

Have I told you lately how much I fucking LOVE Pepsi? Fuck, its delicious!

xo

Things that rock your face off:

2009-08-15T19:59:00.000-07:00

Pirating things from the internet. Im not gonna go incriminating myself, Im just saying that the idea of it is super fucking sweet ass. I never, never do these things though. Ever.

The Best of Dio According to Chrissy. This CD is going to TOTALLY rock hard.

My cue is in the shop, getting a brand spakin new (and improved!) tip. Sweeeeeet.

My sister. She just does.

Things that do not rock in the least:

The fact that my car stereo decided to take a fucking vacation from working. Driving in silence is the least rockinest thing EVER.

These MOTHERFUCKING birds that live in the trees on my street and shit on my car CONSTANTLY. Change your goddam diet, birds. This is ridiculous.

Back pain. Back pain fucking SUCKS.

smoochies.

RT50

2009-08-12T15:31:00.000-07:00

Kelly and I have decided to have a race to 50 games in 8-ball.

The run-down:

The first person to win 50 games gets treated to dinner by the loser.

Only games that she and I play only each other count, no doubles.

APA/BCA rules.

Warm-up games before league matches dont count.

The score:
K- 1
C- 2

Fuck you, True Blood

2009-08-11T14:41:00.001-07:00

Thats right. Fuck you right in your vampire face. You are ruining my life. I dont even know why I love you so much. Anna Paquin is the worst actress on the planet, some of the writing is the cheesiest shit I have ever seen, and Im not all that into vampires and shapeshifters and all that other hoo ha. So, why cant I stop watching you, you fantastical piece of shit? GAH. And another thing - Renee'? REALLY? I LOVED Renee' and I was going to marry his cajun ass until YOU ruined everything. So, thanks and fuck you.

Anywho!

Exciting news - Kelly and I have decided to enter into a Scotch Doubles 8-ball tournament at Chinook Winds in April. We dont really expect to walk away with a ton of money or any crazy titles, but we are super excited about it anyway. The Baseball Player is trying to get her and I to form a 3 person team for another tournament there, one which he has won $750 for placing third in the past. Im hesitant to get all up in the tournament thing, though, as playing pool isnt about money for me. And, as Ive said before, I never play for money anywhere else and that keeps the game fun for me. If my living room were full of trophies like his is, though, things might be different. I know people who hustle tables for money and make a decent profit off playing local tournaments (I met a guy who makes three to four hundred a week playing 9-ball bar tournaments alone) and that is awesome for them, but these people are WAY better than I am and they have this sort of burned out feel to them. Sometimes its as though playing pool is more of a job than a hobby to them. I love the game and I dont want that to change.

The tip on my cue is cracked and I cant afford to fix it until tomorrow and this makes me very sad.

Smooch.

Um

2009-08-08T18:00:00.000-07:00

No drinking and posting, kids.

Thoughts of tonight

2009-08-07T01:49:00.000-07:00

(two posts in one day? She must be drinking red wine. CORRECT!)

So, facebook. Ive recently come into contact with some people Ive known since grade school and quick overview of thier facebook profiles shows that they are mostly married with kids living the "American Dream". How does a girl feel about this in comparison with ones own life? Well, the feelings are mixed. Did I want the Dream for myself? Yes, I did, and do. But a reflection upon who I am and how quickly Ive not gotten there myself has lead me to wonder: Am I sorry? And my answer to you, dear reader, is no. I am not. Sure, I have regrets, and yes I would change a few things here or there, but ultimately, can I change who I am to my very core? No. I cannot. Should I censor my daily internet blatherings because I want to front an image I dont have? No. I cant.
At this time in my life, if a person asks "what have you been up to lately? And whats gone on in your life since we last talked?" is a loaded question and would take hours to answer. Life is complex and though I am not where these people are in thier lives I am on the path to where I would ultimately like to be.
It comes down to this: there is an element of scandal in my life that is seemingly absent in the lives of people I knew way back when. I am not appologetic about this for a few reasons: 1) The people I am closest to are brilliant, albeit functioning degenerates. My best friend is a hairs breath away from becoming a true forensics scientist (CSI style) and my other roommate has her masters in psychology and works with kids at a non-profit state funded agency. Are we debaucherous in our free time? Yes. But! A household of a mental health therapist, an aspiring forensics scientist and an aspiring civil engineer is nothing to sneer at in my eyes. During school terms, our house is largely filled with girls who are trying to make it in thier field and are subsequently blowing off steam at a rate that would make any student marvel at our achievements. So, debauchery, yes, but also a serious level of responisibilty.
2) The man and the kids and the house and perhaps even the dog are in my plan, I just havent found them yet. Im not one of these people that fell in love with my high school sweety, and had a head start on it all from the get go. Its taken me ten years since high school to even figure out what the fuck it is that I want in life career-wise, and so my start is late, but in my opinion, is correct. I cant imagine an 18 year old thats got it all figured out in the first place.

My point is this: my life doesnt even look great on the internet, where I have complete control over what anyone sees (as far as networking sites go, lets not even get into that creepy criminal records bullshit), but Im ok with that because its genuine. No, I dont have the family and I dont go to church - but that isnt me. And most of that never will be me. But I remind myself that I do not feel guilty that I am not "keeping up with the Joneses" or trying to portray a life I do not have. There was a time when I was very close to having all of these things - the kid, the man, the house, the career - but the stress of trying to keep all of that, coveting it and wanting it more than anything, eventually became the demise of it all. And Ive learned a new method of life which largely consists of me searching out my happiness on my own, off the beaten path. And Im certainly not sorry Ive found it.

Sure, I will have regrets, and I will be sorry for things (for example, smoking Kellys cigarettes at this hour because I have none of my own, but I digress) because, in the end, I will have my happiness too, and all I can hope for is that it will last. Because we all live in glass houses, and what we see is not always what we get and all that other bullshit. Life may look like a dream to an outsider, but may not, in fact, be that way in reality.

Im specualting that these people have thier day to day strugles, just as I do. The fact that my struggles are different from thiers does not make anyone better or worse off in my mind. So to those who knew me at 13: no, I am not married and do not have it all figured out yet. But I am on my way to something completely awesome.

XO

Special dreams

2009-08-06T13:39:00.000-07:00

Last night, while enjoying the bounty of soup I had created, Kelly and I watched a movie called Special and in it the main character complains about mundane dreams. That, basically, his life became so incredibly boring that he would dream about doing laundry and riding in elevators.
The opposite has become true for me. My dreams are regularly quite debaucherous, and while my real life isnt typically as hedonistic, it isnt usually mundane, either. I mean, you know this girl enjoys a night of drinking and playing pool as much as any other degenerate warming a bar stool several nights a week, but I am usually functioning and rarely even get to the point of slurring my words. In my dreams, however, I am a fucking hot mess. Usually its the case that I've gotten too stoned to function, right before an event that requires me to function. Last night, it was to be my first day on the job in a shitty burger joint (a job that I obviously only took out of desperation) and I showed up so baked that I could barely talk and the entire time my inner monologue consisted of different variations of the same idea: "This is retarded. What am I doing here? Why did I get so high? This was a bad idea" and so on. About a week ago the scenario was similar: my friend Jess (who Im sure almost NEVER smokes weed, if at all) and I get super ripped right before a rafting trip and I get too stoned to walk, let alone survive on a raft on the river - which I very well know will require at least enough coordination and balance to row and hold a beer at the same time without falling out of the boat. This time the dialogue went: "Oh shit Jess, I cant even walk! How are we gonna go rafting?" Obviously, I have enough sense to never do these things in real life, but in my dreams, I have no regard for any kind of sense whatsoever. I dont know, read into it what you will, perhaps its some sort of fear of failure due to excess partying or some other bullshit, perhaps its my subconscious partying it up because my conscious will no longer allow me do such things as often as I used to.
At any rate, its interesting to me that I spent the night making soup from scratch, drinking Pedialyte (dont knock the hydration, bitches) and watching movies and went to bed stone cold sober, yet in my dreams I am a lose cannon that will tear it up without regard to responsibility or any such grown-up things as a first day on the job. I just wish there'd be a little more variety, though. I mean, getting stoned silly is fun the first few times, but then it just ends up being the most boring debauchery possible. Everyone knows that you hit that brick wall where you are just comatose and end up either passing out, or eating everything in sight and then passing out. I could actually get away with that in real life if I were so inclined. I want to dream about stuff I cant do (for one reason or another) in real life like snorting cocaine off of strippers and swinging from chandeliers and smashing guitars or something more punk rock. I mean, thats gotta be the best dream possible - where you fucking paint the town red and wake up with absolutely no consequences at all (instead of, say, in a holding cell).

I see a bowl of soup in my immediate future. (Coincidentally, last night I got a text from my friend Shellie that said "Damn Chrissy, have you hit rock bottom? Thats when I break out the lentils." Not rock bottom, per se, Shellie, but a low point, yes. Thanks for pointing that out.)

X's and O's.

Get ya soup on

2009-08-05T23:06:00.000-07:00

On the cooking front: I got my lentil soup on in a very big way today. I made two huge pots of it, not really realizing what the recipe was going to produce. The soup is good, it still needs a little tinkering, but holy mother of god I made a lot. Im going to freeze half of it and tinker with the other half until its perfect or as close to perfect as I can get it. In the process, I diced two large leeks and 3 large yellow onions which made me sob like a little girl.
This session of league is officially over. I won my last match and that felt good, especially because the girl I played murdered me the last time we played her team. A little redemption goes a long way. Then, afterward, Kelly and I headed to our bar for our usual wind-down game against each other, and I ran the table for a while. Then, a particular set of quarters comes up and my friend Ian whispers in my ear "smash this girl - I cant stand her." So I obliged. She was annoying. I enjoyed sinking the 8 ball when she still had 5 balls on the table.

Is it possible that I will go to bed at a decent hour tonight?

Things are happening.

2009-08-03T02:00:00.000-07:00

I am getting fucking stir crazy for school to start. Can you believe that? How crazy am I that I am already ready to be like "Yeah, so, School? I miss you. Come back. I can change, baby." Ugh. I hate me.

So yeah, Im bored and broke and terrified about money constantly. And all of this does not stop me from spending what little money I do have unwisely. I need to grow up.

ANYWHO.

Spent the day on the SS Do Less in the river, doing less. This was extra nice because I am usually doing more by sitting on the front of the boat and rowing my ass off, but today I kicked back and let Kelly and Erin do all the work and I didnt do SHIT. The girls and I are thinking that tomorrow should be more of the same.

The heat around these parts is finally calming the fuck down. Sweet jesus on a bicycle, if I have to endure one more day with temperatures in the triple digits Im gonna lose it.

As luck would have it, The Baseball Player has recently been trying to surprise me by dropping by my bar and challenging me to a game of pool, and I have been missing him completely. Friday I decided to have a nice quiet night in at my moms, watching movies with her and my sister and ordering pizza when I got a text from Kelly saying that he was there looking for me. Apparently he bought a round of shots for my girls and allowed Kelly to get a couple turns in on the pool table before totally dominating it - which was very sweet of him. Tonight, after I was barely able to stay awake for the drive home from the river, I was laying on the couch exerting only enough energy to stay alive when I got a text from him saying that he'd tried to surprise me again, but to no avail. These gestures, coupled with regular calling and texting, are a very pleasant surprise.

My insomnia has been kicking my ass lately. How is it possible to be SO tired and yet not get any sleep? No one knows!

X's and O's

Lets talk about the weather

2009-07-29T09:19:00.001-07:00

Ok, so everyone has heard that Portland is having all time record breaking high temperatures. All time record breaking. It hasnt been this hot here in over 200 years. Fucking great.
Weather wise, this year has been pretty fucking extreme. In the winter, we were all snowed in for a week, with more snowfall in the Portland area than I've seen in my 15 years here. Now, Im hiding out at my moms house and taking advantage of her central AC because it was too hot to sleep at 7:00 this morning. I havent slept in 4 days. Im delirious.

All of the ass kicking Ive been doing in 9-ball has moved my ranking up. This is a double edged sword because, while its good to progress, now I'll have to get more points to win matches. Is a complicated and confusing system that I cannot explain in this mental state.

There is something that I did not take into consideration before getting my most recent tattoo and that is that people are fucking nosy when it comes to tattoos. I dont get it. Its usually people who dont have tattoos that ask all the same stupid questions about them. I've recited the verse on my arm countless times and Im afraid Im going to get sick of it. People stand staring at my arm, trying to read it and its awkward and annoying. Then other people ask me to just tell them what it says. I dont think Ive ever done this to anyone. "Hey whats that tattoo you've got there?" "What does it say?" "What does it mean?" I dont generally give a fuck about other people's tattoos and what they say or mean. Obviously they mean something to the person who has them and that is none of my business. Perhaps I would discuss tattoos with my friends but I certainly never bug strangers about them. I certainly dont touch strangers' clothing trying to get a better look at them. This has seriously happened to me.
Ive decided to come up with some cliffs notes versions of what my tattoo says that will get my point across:

Stranger: "Hey what does your tattoo say?"

Me: "Its an ancient secret recipe for a giant bowl of get the fuck away from me."

Me: "Its a very detailed description of how I will fuck your face up if you dont go the fuck away."

Me: "Its a list of every Eskimo word for fuck off."

Me: "Its directions to your moms house."

...I need a nap.

Oh, life

2009-07-27T02:25:00.000-07:00

...how you confuse me.

So things are coming full circle. Chris (the ex) has called and reached out to reconcile and apologize. He moves to NY tomorrow and didnt want to leave things on a bad note. In the end, Im relieved that he did this. Being cut out of his life so suddenly made me feel disposable and his effort to undo that is greatly appreciated.

Friday night I was enjoying life. I had just spent the day on the river with some of my best pals, relaxing and swimming and drinking and doing less. Afterward, a shower and a nap were in order. Feeling rejuvenated, I got slightly dolled up and headed to my bar, pool cue in hand. After what could have been a much more impressive warm-up game, I proceeded to stomp everyone that stepped to the pool table. Including two dudes who play in the same league as I do, one of which captains his own team. By the end of the night he was telling me that he would pay me to leave my team for his. Not gonna happen, but flattering nonetheless.

So after Kelly ends my reign of terror, I am outside enjoying a celebratory cigarette when, out of nowhere, The Baseball Player walks up looking quite dolled up himself. I am never ready for encounters with him, but I remain calm and hug him and say hello. He tells me that he was hoping he would find me there and asks me if I will play pool with him. I am immediately intrigued, as he will RARELY ever play pool with me. We go inside and he offers to buy me a drink. I accept and he is flirting heavily. He buys me another and is happily deflecting jealous boys who I have recently defeated on the pool table and were hoping for some flirting time of their own. He tells me that my avoidance has been hurting his feelings. I admit that I am not over him, and that being around him is not easy. He tells me that he is not over me either, has not stopped thinking about me the entire time we've been broken up and hasnt been with anyone else. He tells me that he never wanted to break up with me, but didnt know what else to do because he was afraid he couldnt make me happy. I am stunned. He asks me if he can walk me home. I tell him that I dont think its a good idea. He suggests that I walk with him to his house, get the t-shirts that got left there during the time we dated, that we have a talk and then I can go home if I want. I tell him that if I go home with him and anything ends up happening, that it cant be "just a thing" because I still have a lot of feelings for him. I reiterate this several times. He tells me that he doesnt want "just a thing". We go to his house. We talk. I leave in the morning without my sweater (I cannot go over there without losing an article of clothing).

Walking home I am giving myself a "you can handle this" pep-talk and reminding myself to have very low expectations of him calling that day, or things going smoothly and taking a turn for the magical. Later that day, I attend a fabulous fucking birthday party and give my phone to Kelly to avoid getting drunk and calling and/or texting him. He calls and texts. He wants to hang out again - soon.

So, for now, I am excited, but remaining cautious. Im at the "we'll see what happens" spot. Alexis's all over the world are not approving. :)

Ugh, I wanted to gossip about the Daisy of Love finale, but I need to get to bed.

x's and o's.

Lighten up

2009-07-22T09:28:00.000-07:00

In order to offset all the boo-hooing thats been going on on this here blog Ive decided to focus a little more on the things that are pleasing me lately. Like:

My pool game. I kinda murdered a girl in 9 ball last night. Finally! My 9 ball game is finally coming around and I think its mostly mental. Well maybe its a 50/50 mental/skill thing, but either way, Im getting both. I played 9 ball really well last week too, so Im hoping that I can keep it up for the two remaining weeks of this session. If nothing else, at least Im not intimidated by the game itself anymore.
Being able to play well outside of league is pleasing me to no end. Being a girl and playing pool in a bar and running the table is something I dont think boys ever get used to, and watching them squirm gives me the sickest sense of satisfaction. Last night after Kelly and I played our league matches, we decided to wind down with a game between the two of us at our bar. To our surprise, our bar was pretty packed for a Tuesday night, and there were a few sets of quarters on (the only) pool table ahead of us. So when its finally our turn these boys have the table (inherited from their friends who were leaving) and they want to play doubles so we oblige. Anyway, long story short, they won a best-two-out-of-three series but only because I scratched on the 8 in one game, Kelly had slightly over-served herself in the adult beverage department, and I was distracted by how cute they were. But, we gave them one hell of a run for their money, which they obviously did not expect. In the end, they conceded that we were the superior players and I feigned humility with a very half-assed "oh, thats not true." It was true that we were the better players, and perhaps if they caught us on a different night, or even earlier that night, we might have embarrassed them a little.
I'd like to get over that whole being distracted by the cuteness, though, as it is the cute ones that I want to beat the most.

Anyhoo!

The fact that I have surrounded myself with hilarious people. Seriously, like 95% of my friends are absolutely hilarious and it fucking saves my life every day, I think. The other night, after the two incidences mentioned below, I was feeling particularly shitty until I poked around on Facebook and was cheered the fuck up by all of the witty and silly and hilarious little things my friends have to say about everything. Case in point: I DARE you to watch this remake of We Are The World my friend Scotty made and tell me that it did not make your fucking day -

One day we will rule the world.

Until then, something for breakfast.

xo

Fool me once...

2009-07-21T10:48:00.000-07:00

Ive only ever been shut out of a persons life once before last night (or this morning, I should say) and now its happened again - and by the same person. What have I learned in the 7 years since the last time this happened? Not much apparently.

The aforementioned ex that I'd been hanging out with has decided that, though we werent really in a relationship, we should have another ugly break-up, closely resembling our prior ugly break-up in which he never wants to see or speak to me again, and has announced that any contact I try to make with him will be ignored and every text or email deleted before read. What offense did I commit to earn such treatment? A few conversations that didnt go his way.

Now, Im not here to slander him. Ive known for 8 or 9 years that he is an extremely volatile person, and that is apparently never going to change. Im only mentioning the instance here to remind myself that becoming close with people who are so hot and cold (and are probably severely bi-polar) and subjecting myself to the wrath of their mood swings is extremely risky and not a very good idea. I also have to remind myself that while I may be a bit heartbroken, there is nothing I would have done differently and I can only go forward with the lesson learned here.

What is the lesson? What have I learned? They say the definition of insanity is repeating the same action and expecting different results. So, I guess the first thing I've learned is to stop being insane. Not only did history repeat itself last night, but also earlier in the evening when The Baseball Player (cue Alexis's booing) blew me off yet AGAIN - even after initiating contact with me. Why am I expecting different behavior out of these two? I've already learned the hard way how they are, why always with the benefit of the doubt? Because I dont want to be a hardened bitch that never gives anyone any chances. But what Ive learned is that I need to be recognising when enough is enough. And in these cases - Ive had enough.

If you cant make time to have a drink and catch up with me - fine. Im done trying. And if you dont have the patience to work out a disagreement with me - fine. I cant make you. I can only control my actions and reactions in these situations.

Im standing on my own two feet and sticking up for whats right for me and Im going to stop being afraid of leaving people behind that arent good for me.

I'd previously thought that I'd needed closure with these two (hence the meet-up for drinks, and because I saw the implosion coming) but now Im not so sure closure is always a good idea - and maybe its not always even possible, no matter how much the other party claims they want it too. I dont know, maybe yesterdays events were all the closure I needed to walk away knowing that walking away was the best thing to do.

Stay gold, Pony Boy, stay gold.

Camping: a goddam rant

2009-07-17T02:13:00.000-07:00

Ive said it before, I'll say it again (and a million more times, if that would help): I. Fucking. Hate. Camping.

I fucking hate it. Ok? Yes. I live in the Pacific Northwest and I fucking hate camping AND Im not too thrilled on hiking either. So everyone who gets all "did she just say she hates camping?" can fuck right off.

No it wont help if I bring an air mattress, and "just" getting really drunk makes camping a million times worse the next morning, ok? I like the comforts of living indoors. I *LOVE* it. You know what I dont love? Smelling like a goddam camp fire for 2 days, sleeping on rocks and shitting outside.

So every year my friends try to see how many FUCKING camping trips they can guilt me into going on. This year they've managed to sign me up for two. TWO. FUCK. Tomorrow night I set out for the goddam forest for a going away camping and hiking fucking extravaganza for two of my friends who are moving to Norway. And Im fucking pissed about it. Its not like every time they want to go camping I guilt them into staying home with me. Im always like "knock yourselves out! See ya when you get back all tired and dirty and burnt the fuck out" but do you think I receive the same courtesy in return? NO. NO. They're always whining "come camping with us! You'll love it!" No I wont, I will HATE it. YOU love it. "Oh, its gonna be so much fun!" No it fucking isnt, its going to suck.

So anyway, Im bringing a bottle of wine and a handful of Xanax and Im NOT FUCKING HIKING. Anywhere. Im getting there late and leaving early and if anyone whines about it they are going to be on the receiving end of some motherfucking wrath (unless Ive taken enough of said Xanex).

So if you're wondering what I'll be doing tomorrow night, I will be in the motherfucking forest, sleeping in a GODDAM TENT and counting the minutes until I can return to drinking in a bar and living in a house like a fucking civilized person.

All the stories but one...

2009-07-15T14:14:00.000-07:00

I was going to write a fluffy little post about how I gave in and turned my phone back on and how I won both my 8 ball and 9 ball matches last night... but now Im gonna get all emo on your asses and theres nothing you can do about it (aside from clicking away to another site).

The thing is that Im exhausted. Keeping a busy and complicated social life is absolutely draining and I cant keep up anymore. Im starting to resent my living situation on so many levels and I dont have the means to do a goddam thing about it. Our apartment is located right in the raging eye of the hurricane that is the southeast portland/belmont/hawthorne scene and it is too fucking easy to get caught up in going out with someone or doing some sort of social activity every fucking night. My body hates me, Im completely financially fucked and what do I have to show for it? Record setting consecutive hangovers? Not good enough.

All of this socializing and drinking is having a deeper affect on me though - its drowning out and distracting me from issues that I need to deal with - issues that Ive needed to deal with for a long time. I have friends who are currently struggling with the same type of afflictions and its a pretty sobering mirror to look into.

Today a scab was ripped off an already unbelievably slow-healing wound - making it crystal clear that I am absolutely not in a position to be vulnerable to anyone, no matter how much I think I can trust them. I just watched He's Just Not That Into You and Ive realised that I used to be Ginnifer Goodwin's character, Gigi, but am quickly turning into Justin Long's character, Alex. Ive gone from being the ever-optimistic hopeless romantic, to the jaded, pessimistic non-believer. What I really NEED to be is just me. Just me thats ok with being me - whether alone or not - and I need get back to being me before I become permanently jaded and pissed and shut-off and no fun to be around and a complete fucking asshole.

It seems as though events are unfolding in a way that humbles the holy fucking shit out of me, but seems to leave everyone else on the planet unscathed. Perhaps my perception of this is skewed, though. Perhaps life sucks for everyone else on earth and we're all in it together, waiting for the sweet, sweet release of death.

More comfort food. I need more comfort food.

Ive got a new drug

2009-07-14T13:22:00.000-07:00

Um, can we talk about a little thing that may be the Bright Center of the Universe, otherwise known as Poutine?

HOLY FUCKING MOTHER OF GOD IN HEAVEN.

Now, I feel a little bad talking about this discovery I made (thanks to Chris) because what I have been shoveling into my mouth at a feverish rate isnt Poutine in its pure form. Its a spin off of a traditional Poutine recipe which normally calls for cheese curds (which I cant stand) and brown gravy (which I love, but still), the Poutine we've been making is smothered in delicious country gravy and shredded cheddar cheese.

Oh Canada, is there no end to your awesomeness?

Already Ive been thinking up delicious little twists and renditions of this recipe. Maybe add some fried popcorn chicken and pieces of bacon to the country gravy and cheese, or with the brown gravy version add a little ground beef, grilled onions and mushrooms and maybe use a gorgonzola? Holy crap. The possibilities and variations of fries, gravy and cheese are endless.

I'll be in the kitchen gaining 50 pounds and jacking up my cholesterol if you need me.

CD + JT = <3

2009-07-12T14:00:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream that I was on a reality TV show to date Justin Timberlake. I made it to the top two (met the family and everything) and then he picked the other girl. I wanted to hate her, but she and I had become friends during the taping of the show and I felt that if I didnt win, she would have been the only other person I would have rooted for. I felt truly heartbroken as I was leaving the mansion, however, there was no limo ride in which I experience a tearful reflection on our time together and confess that I really, truly fell in love with him - I simply drove myself home in my own car. I think I stopped for a cheeseburger somewhere along the way.

Still no phone. Still enjoying sweet, sweet solitude.

xo

Fuck it

2009-07-10T12:19:00.000-07:00

So, to be completely contrary to my last post, Ive dropped the only class I was taking this term. Heres the long and short of it: summer classes can be a pain in the ass because they are a more condensed version of classes offered during any other term - usually about 3 weeks shorter than normal. I was taking a math class and learning all of the material at home on my own because the teacher was the worst lecturer EVER. She would lecture only from power points and speed through all of the slides before I could take any notes, moving on to the next subject WAY too fast. Then she would speed through a couple example problems on the board, then look down her nose and answer questions in a very condescending manner. On top of this the class had 4 exams, all of which were a very large part of the final grade. This meant there was an exam about every other week on top of the final exam - so on top of teaching myself the material and doing a TON of assigned homework there was constant studying for an upcoming exam. THEN I got an email from my advisor saying that I didnt need the class anyway. All of this seemed like a lot of work for one class that I wasnt really learning anything in AND that I didnt need, so I dropped it. Fuck it, Im already 15 credits ahead of schedule, its summer and come fall its gonna be back to the grind stone. Im still going to learn the material on the syllabus on my own, I just wont be wasting my time on useless lectures, and I wont be getting any credit for it.

Ah well.

In other news - my cell phone is currently shut off due to my complete financial retardedness. I wont get into the details - suffice to say that I am not always as brilliant as you might think from all of the amazing insight I have to offer on this here blog. In light of this, Im playing with the idea of keeping it off for a week or two instead of scrambling to get it back on. You know, just to see what happens. So far its been peaceful. VERY peaceful. The thing is, I lived almost my whole life without one (with the exception of the last 5 to 7 years) and I was totally fine. Now I freak out if I leave the house without it. I want to distance myself from that need. The need to constantly be reachable and to constantly reach out. Texting has become like a heroin addiction to me - and Ive definitely already experienced some withdrawals - and that is ridiculous to me. "Cutting the cord" (so to speak) is absolutely necessary for me. I live with my best friend and those who know me most know how to get a hold of me if they really, really need to. Other than that, I think it will be nice to kind of disappear from the radar for a bit.

See? I can be optimistic!

xo

The Fear

2009-07-06T13:12:00.000-07:00

Recently people have commented on my apparent motivation for schooling. This is probably because I put off doing homework until I have to do so much of it that I cant do anything else. And when people ask me to hang out and I say "I cant, I have a ton of homework" they interpret this as dedication, when in fact, its just a nasty bi product of my procrastination.
I've realized that the primary motivator and/or driving force in my life as of late is fear. Sheer terror of what may happen if I dont go to school is what keeps me going to school. And school is actually a nice distraction from the gut wrenching horror that is my financial situation on a day-to-day basis. But, then there's the stress of meeting academic requirements for financial aid also lighting a fire under my ass each day - which ties the whole school/money thing together nicely.

In checking my school email I've just learned that I made the honors list for last term. Huh.

Anywho. Better get back to that damn homework.

xo

Do Less

2009-07-02T11:42:00.000-07:00

My body sent me a message yesterday that I read loud and clear; it was a plea to slow the fuck down on the drinking a bit. Immediately I was like "You're right, body, this is no bueno" but then I got to thinking: who the FUCK quits drinking during the summer? Gah. You drive a hard bargain, body, but I suppose you're right and I could slow down on the drinking and stop acting like its a race to see who leaves las vegas first.

So yeah. Less drinking. LOTS less.

Anywho, Ive noticed lately that I dream about masturbation a lot. Is that incredibly narcissistic of me? I dont even dream about having sex with another person anymore! Im not sure what to make of it, but I do know that I usually wake up frustrated and certainly not satisfied. Hmm. Life is fucking weird.

Ive been hanging out with an ex of mine a bit recently, and its a little strange talking about this here because I know he reads this blog (hi, Chris) but its definitely got me thinking differently about what it is I truly want in life right now. I know we've both been entertaining the idea of getting back together, but there is some serious hesitation on my part, and I cant fully figure out why. I mean, its been about 7 years since we last dated, but we still love each other and we still get along really well (there is always TONS of laughter when we hang out) being around him feels very comfortable and natural, and I know we have really great sex - so what the fuck is it that I DO want if not all of this? I dont know. Our break-up was pretty ugly and brutal on both of our parts, so that could definitely be playing a part. Part of me thinks Im a little too fucked up to be in a relationship at all right now.

Ah life is awesome. *sigh*

So the fourth of fucking July is coming up and this has me wanting to cook. Perhaps some beer braised short ribs are in motherfucking order? Last time I made them I said Id never make them again because of how labor intensive they are (they take 2 fucking days to cook!) but I've been craving them and it is a somewhat special occasion... Its a celebration, bitches.

This post is all over the place. I guess in summation: I dont know what the fuck I want in life (as per usual) but I do know that I should slow my drinking roll (as per usual) and that I want to cook (as per usual). So, basically there is nothing new going on here.

As you were.

xo

Peanut Butter Jelly

2009-06-29T10:46:00.000-07:00

My chicken and shrimp curry turned out kinda bland this time around... I mean, it was OK but Ive definitely made better. What I'd really like to learn how to make is some decent chicken shawarma and Id like to perfect a hummus recipe to go with it. Until then, I'll have to continue to crave and salivate over the chicken shawarma at Habibi.

Over the weekend I had more fun than the law allows in some regions of the earth and I consumed more alcohol than the entire State of Utah has on hand at any given moment, Im sure. Rafting, birthday parties, nights out on the town - somehow my body survived and Im pretty sure there is incriminating evidence in the form of pictures and video clips out there, preserving it all for posterity.

Kelly, Nathalie, Ian, Dan and I probably put the welfare of the human race at risk Saturday when all of the fun in the world was being had on our two rafts in the Clackamas River which nearly caused a black hole to open up in the universe and turn the fucking planet inside out. Effectively, the SS Do Less and the SS Do Less II floated the river in style - the crew in sombreros - consuming adult beverages and occasionally gracing the shores with dance parties, making it known to all in the vicinity that it was muthafuckin peanut butter jelly time.

What I didnt do over the weekend was homework, and I have a shit ton of it to do. Ah, math - our love/hate relationship continues. Sometimes I hate you more than I love you, though. Snoogans.

xo

Taken down

2009-06-24T09:55:00.000-07:00

So I played pretty decent pool last night and still managed to lose both of my matches. I was paired up against higher ranked players and I put up a good fight, so Im pleased with the results even though I didnt win. For some strange reason I was feeling extremely hungover all day yesterday (I didnt have much to drink on Monday night and I ate a big pasta dinner and went to bed fairly early) so I was glad that I had a percoset and some whiskey to help me make it through the night. It turns out that percoset can really help my pool game as it relaxes me enough to focus on my shots and take my time. The thing that is not helpful is trying to decide with a drugged up cloudy head which shots make more sense and which shots are just crazy. I think I managed to attempt only the ones that made sense.

The Man I was dating (the bald, tattooed baseball player) walked into my bar the other day and completely destroyed all of the progress I had made getting over him. He walked straight up to me and hugged me, smelling of his cologne and his house. Olfaction and memory are a powerful combination. In that one hug was his bed, cuddling on the couch, long make-out sessions and heart to heart talks. Being in his arms like that reminded me of our first kiss. I almost had to run out of there and not stop until my heart was immune to him, but I couldnt. All I could do was put on a fake smile and ask him how he'd been.
We'd only dated very briefly - 2 months maybe - but I'd let him in. For whatever reason I totally let my guard down and let him in and now I cant get him out. Id gotten to that fatal place girls go when they start imagining a future with someone too soon, and for me to admit defeat and come to terms with not getting what I want is unfortunately not at all easy for me to do. It isnt just that, though - I liked him. A lot.
I apologised for not texting or calling him since we'd broken up and told him that I had just wanted to get over him before contacting him, and that it wasnt because I didnt want to be friends. He said he understood and told me not to worry about it - that he would be there whenever I was ready - and then he called me babe and it was almost too much so I ended the conversation there.
I'd had a crush on him for about a year prior to dating him. That does weird things to a persons perception of who people really are. It kindof slowly raises them up and places them on a pedestal that they may or may not deserve to be on. And taking them down from that pedestal can be extremely tough. Unfortunately, he is still up there and Im still waiting to be ready to take him down.

xo

Inventory

2009-06-23T16:54:00.000-07:00

So, in keeping with the theme of boys, here is a quick run-down of a few that I have a crush on:

The Drummer. Insanely hot (Edward Norton look-alike), impossibly sweet, has his shit together. For some crazy reason he has a crush on me too. Im filing this in the "too good to be true" category for now, and pursuing this one as carefully (read: slowly) as possible...

The Mullet. A definite member of Team Handsome and the only guy Ive ever seen to successfully pull off a mullet. This one is the best friend of a very good friend of mine though, so that could end up creating difficulties. Completely emotionally unavailable, as well - not really boyfriend material. Has an adorable eye-twitching nervous tick.

The Persian. Very sweet, amazing eyes, perhaps too innocent. Still fucked up over his ex (perfect!) and definitely going through some things emotionally. Still, very charming and a true gentleman. Having only been in this counrty for 3 years, Im sure those gentleman qualities will fade with time. ;)

Im not sure this was the best idea, but it was fun. Also quick as I am short on time - I could go on and on about each of these boys. Heres hoping this doesnt come back to bite me in the ass some day!

sex and boys blah blah blah

2009-06-21T13:33:00.000-07:00

Boys are quite literally eluding me right now. My friend told me a story about how, when he decided to abstain from sex for THREE YEARS, he found himself tearing up his porch because he couldnt find his house keys one drunken night. The pent up frustration and anger caused him to rip boards from under his feet and smash other boards and railings and whatnot with them. This reminds me of when Pancho and I quit drinking for a little over a year and, early on in the process, I went through a period of intense anger. I was just pissed at everyone and everything. And I mean everything. All the time.
Now Im wondering what it is that Im jonesing for. Is it affection? Passion? Because its not like I cant take care of my own needs -- but theres obviously something about being with another person. Why is this so important to me now though? I mean, at this moment in my life, WHY am I so preoccupied with sex and how long its been since Ive had it? Its probably a mixture of insecurity, low self esteem and loneliness - which are all feeding off each other.
So right after I say that I have low self esteem Im gonna say this and contradict myself a little: Im not terribly bad looking, Im smart enough to carry on interesting conversations, Im funny and Im decent at pool and none of this is helping me. Boys will seem interested in me until I seem interested back. This is my MO lately. And, of course, my MO is also attracting boys who are still fucked up over their ex's. So, if you know someone who has recently broken up, you could introduce him to me and he'll be interested in me until I return the interest. This has literally happened to me with every boy Ive dated since Pancho and I broke up.

Ok enough of that. On the cooking front lately: delicious guacamole stuffed cherry tomatoes and pasta with vodka sauce and chicken. I swear I will never use spaghetti sauce with ANY pasta again, because vodka sauce is where the fuck its at. And the guac stuffed tomatoes are the perfect summer time snack. Make those and some margaritas and enjoy both outside in the sunshine. Then text me thanking me for the most fantastic idea yet this summer.

Musically: I am OBSESSED with Ghostland Observatory. Ok, watch this and tell me you arent obsessed with them too:

you fucking CANT.

Smooches.

The Best Wont Do

2009-06-20T03:45:00.000-07:00

Contemplate, oh.
Your own way.
Waste time when true love is gone.

Once again, oh.
You need a friend.
Where's mine when your love is gone?

Run away, oh.
Pass the blame.
When down, sing a sadder song.

Come again, oh oh oh.
Waste your breath.
The best, the best, the best won't do.
Take my place, oh oh oh.
Waste the space.
The best, the best, the best won't do.

Holiday, oh.
How's your stay?
Time won't borrow patience, love.

In your words, oh.
Truths that hurt.
Barge your way back to heavens door.

Come again, oh oh oh.
Waste your breath.
The best, the best, the best won't do.
Take my place.
Waste the space.
The best, the best, the best won't do.

Scratch the slate, oh oh oh.
Words embrace.
The best, the best, the best won't do.

Ghostland Observatory

So um,

2009-06-17T15:47:00.000-07:00

I randomly made out with a Persian boy recently and now Iran is in revolt. I clearly need to stay away from boys.

In other news I made one of the most delicious batches of potato soup EVER yesterday and I cannot stop eating it. Unfortunately, I like to make my potato soup super extra fatty, so it probably would be best for me to punctuate servings of it with some veggies or fish or something. Ive definitely been on a comfort food binge lately. Its the healthiest coping mechanism I have.

Being the emotional cutter that I am, I spent the majority of today watching romantic comedies. They didnt make me feel the way I expected to feel, though. Surprisingly, I managed to hang on to hope and optimism. Perhaps they even enhanced what little hope and optimism I had left. That is probably the intention of the films creators, though - to not alienate single and miserable people from their audience - because, lets face it, there are TONS of single and miserable people out there and their money spends just the same as those delusional happy peoples'. ;)

Tonight - some much needed 9 ball practice.

smooches.

*results not typical

2009-06-17T01:16:00.000-07:00

Ah, just exactly HOW humbling does life get? Because at this point I feel more humble than ever before. Perhaps I am jaded at this particular moment - seeing as how I just got my ass totally HANDED to me in 9 ball tonight during league - but shouldnt a sense of humility come natural with older age? Is there some sort of payoff for recognising that you are, in fact, not all that spectacular? That you are not expecting grandios rewards and unwarented payoffs? Doesnt life ever notice that you are not one of these self-entitled fuckers who want everything on a silver platter and for once - ONCE - just cut a girl a little slack?

No?

Oh.

Perhaps I expect too much slack. Perhaps life isnt all that hard because Im not some starving kid in a third world country with an incurable disease and no food, drinking water, clothing or shelter to speak of. Perhaps I am spoiled.

Oh boo, I lost at pool tonight. Oh boo, a boy doesnt love me. Oh boo, I dont have money to spend frivilously. Shut the fuck up Chrissy.

Ok Im better now.

Why did I say this out loud?

I will equalize you

2009-06-14T13:04:00.001-07:00

For some reason, Kellys cat, Shorty, has been being kindof a little bitch to me lately. Kelly is camping this weekend and hes been acting like that little brat that, once his parents are gone, wants to break every rule that has been established for him. Now, Shorty is no spring chicken. Hes almost 10 now and I've known him his whole life - so I dont know why hes decided to start testing me now.
Last night, while making a delicious comfort food dinner, I turned around to find him on the kitchen counter with his paw in my glass of milk! Gross! He knows that the last place on Earth he is allowed to chill out is on they keyboard of someones laptop while they are trying to use it and Ive had to push him off mine countless times in the last 24 hours. AND the little shit almost gave me a heart attack the other day by escaping out the screen door and hiding under a bush. Immediately I tried to figure out how the fuck I was going to explain to Kelly that I lost her beloved cat.
Whats the deal Shorty? What are you trying to tell me? That you got your Kitty-AARP card in the mail and you no longer give a shit about the rules? Fair enough, kitty, but just keep in mind that I am like 20 times your size and your line-stepping behavior could get you equalized.

In other news, grades are slowly coming in and Ive learned that I got a B in my writing class. I have mixed feelings about this grade because, for one, its better than I thought it would be given the teachers OVERLY harsh grading on my essays, but on the other hand, I feel like I am an A student writer. I mean, dont judge me on my writing here, because this is something I do for myself without much regard for formalities, but when I write a paper for school, its wholly different. I dont know. I guess either way Im just glad that class is over because it was really starting to make me hate writing. So far my GPA is 3.63 with only my math grade left to go. Stay tuned.

I made you something:

2009-06-13T17:39:00.000-07:00

So grades are out for two of my classes and I somehow managed to get an A in my least favorite class - speech. I was completely convinced that I wouldnt get anything better than a C in that stupid class! And, of course, I got an A in my drafting class, but I was pretty sure I would. It was my favorite class and I did well in it.

I should not talk about boys on here any more because every time I write something on here about them, everything changes. But it is a lot of fun to talk about them. Perhaps in the future I will only speak about them in generalities. Who knows.

I think I'll spend the night in, drinking cheap wine and watching The Great Outdoors, solo. For some reason, that sounds delightful.

xo

The Final Countdown

2009-06-09T17:05:00.000-07:00

First, a math Haiku:

Jesus H. Christ, math
Y=mx+b?
Im glad thats over.

So yeah, I just took my last final (final final?) and I think I did pretty well on it. For no good reason at all I started panicking about it this morning and spent all day studying (which was actually a really, really good idea) so the test was pretty easy. She tried to throw a couple curve balls in there but Im pretty sure I caught 'em. You dont fool me, clever math teacher!

So school is done for a couple weeks and things with boys are very much up in the air. Ive decided not to see anyone exclusively for a bit. You know, the whole single-and-resisting-the-urge-to-try-and-form-a-long-term-relationship thing. Besides, who doesnt like variety?

Im hoping a rafting trip is in my near future... I think one is.

Today, while driving home from school, I saw 6 cops in the span of about a mile on Killingsworth in North Portland. Fucking SIX cops! Just cruising around looking for trouble. So, if you are ever in any other part of Portland and are in one of those rare instances where you actually need a cop and you cant find one, just know that they are ALL in North Portland keeping a very unnecessarily close eye on black people.

Anywho, I think I need a nap.

xo

Things are happening

2009-06-03T13:08:00.000-07:00

I am a creature of habit. I enjoy the comfort of familiarity. I drink mint tea, almost without fail, every morning. At school I eat chow mien for lunch almost every day (unless there is a tastier special). I hang out at the same bar every time I go out. I play pool almost every day. I find something I like and I stick to it.

I dont know why Im bringing this up, or why its been on my mind lately. I have such diligence in doing these same things over and over, but I cant seem to make that translate to other areas in my life. Why am I not more diligent in showing up to places on time? Why cant I take the principals that I apply to doing what works best for me and use them to make things work BETTER for me?

I have finals this week and next. I wish I could say that I feel really confident in my grades this term but the truth is Im not. I really think I bit off more that I could chew and struggled through the term putting out sub-par work just to get things done. In retrospect, that was a bad idea. In the future Ive decided not to take 15 credits again until winter or spring of next year. During the summer and fall terms Im going to take 2 or 3 classes and focus harder on them. I do want to finish school as quickly as possible, but I also want to do well. This term was just too stressful and chaotic, and now Im worried about my grades. I dont want this to happen again.

Something else is happening to me. I have these simultaneous urges to draw people in and push them away. This inner Jekyll and Hyde is seriously fucking with my interpersonal relationships (ugh. that sounded clinical). I know the minute I stop wanting to pursue a long term relationship, one is going to just come into fruition on its own. Its the natural way of things and its how it always happens. Im pretty sure it works this way because Im not actively pressing the situation, and Im letting it take its own course. The problem is I cant seem to let go of my desire long enough to let it happen. I like to shoot myself in the foot a lot. I should stop that.

Ive decided that I just need to come to terms with the possibility that I could end up spending extended periods of time alone, and that that should be ok. Its been over a year since my last serious relationship, and dating has been hell. Something in my head and in my heart is telling me to stop trying. To just be me the way I would live my life with no significant other in it. Not single and on the prowl, but single and resistant. Resistant to wasting time and energy on something that may inevitably be moot. (Disclaimer: my entire dating experience has not been a waste of time. Ive learned valuable things about myself and had experiences that I am very grateful for.) Im just ready to stop pursuing and to be pursued.

I am on my way to where I want to be and distractions along the way are going to have to be kept to a minimum. It sounds like a lonely journey...

xo

Oh Alexis,

2009-05-27T19:20:00.000-07:00

How your blog inspires me to write! Its true. I just love your style and it reminds me to just write and be honest and to get it all out there. Did I tell you though that Pancho's new girlfriends name is Alexa? How dare that whore have a name so close to yours! I still love your name, though. And I hate to admit it, but I think hers is cute too.

*le sigh*

Anway. So Im not gonna go on and on about homework because, after a bit of reflecting and reading back through recent posts, I can see that I do too much of that. I only want to stay positive about the fact that, yes, I did make the decision to take on an intense program, and yes, I decided to tackle its ass to the ground and so that is what I must do. Unfortunately I decided to jump into this decision right as the playoffs were starting and then also right as the weather was finally getting nice, and also right before finally starting to hang out with a boy that I've had a crush on for a long time and want to spend tons of time with. BUT! My priorities must stay straight!

Someday, Alexis, I hope to look back on this time and say "Wow that first term really kicked my ass, but Im glad I stuck with it and finished what I started, even when I wanted to quit really badly." Perhaps I will be sitting in a feild in Iowa, sipping a delicious beverage and talking about your latest project on some sort of vacation from my fabulous engineering job.

Yes. That sounds nice.

xo

Its midnight

2009-05-25T23:59:00.000-07:00

... and I should be asleep. Yet here I am. A few glasses of wine too deep into the night and doing anything but what I should be doing.

The thing is that I am scared shitless of things that are going well lately. I dont know if I've just become so acustomed to things going wrong, and when things go right I get nervous. Like the fucking hammer is about to drop any second.

Do you think I say "fucking" too often? Cause I like that word. It serves a purpose.

Anyway, so I got a new(er) car, which I am really, really excited about, Im feeling good about being in school (though it is totally fucking with my social life) and Im seeing a guy who I like a lot and has some real potential in becoming something serious - which, for whatever reason, doesnt scare me very much at all. All of these things are risks in their own way, and are a lot to juggle all at once, but are things that are important enough for me to persue properly. I mean, I am the kind of girl who wants something and then goes and gets it, but I havent tapped into that side of myself in quite some time. It feels good and scary at the same time.

The car is a gamble at my present state of finacial fragility - but was a necessity given the fact that Ive been pouring so much money into my old piece-o-shit. So, I figured that if Im going to be investing money into a car, it should be a nice, newer car that I can at least depend on and take on extended trips (like the trip to Madras to get Cash).

School feels, at times, like its overwhelming and that I've bitten off more than I can chew. This is emphasized by the fact that the engineering program will only intesify as I get deeper into it, and upon looking back at the schedule of classes, has reminded me that I will be doing things like taking an 8 credit calculus class along side thermodynamics and physics. Will I survive? Stay tuned.

Things with the boy (who is very much a Man, Alexis) are, again, a gamble. Am I ready to put my heart out there? Am I ready to be vulnerable? Am I ready to be suseptable to what could be another heartache? Im not sure. Talks with him have recently become more serious, and its clear that this is not something either one of us are taking lightly. This is more encouraging than anything for me right now, as I am ready to be taken seriously, and by someone who is worthy of my efforts.

Overall, things are going really well. I have the MOST amazing group of friends as support, and I truly feel most like myself when I am being brave and taking on - and conquring - goals that I set for myself with the intent of bettering my life and actually achieving small successes that I can not only easily measure, but look back on and be proud of forever.

Regardless of the outcomes, Im glad that I attempted these things; that I saw opportunities and didnt puss out, but took them, and said "fuck you, life, I will do what I want and make my own destiny". I guess that is an advantage of being so goddam stubborn.

...why did Bernie Mac have to die so young?

xo

Inspired by Kittens Inspired by Kittens.

2009-05-21T14:09:00.000-07:00

Uuummmmmmm. This reminds me that I love life. Seriously. You could show that video to a person ready to jump off a bridge and it would totally save lives. That video will probably be banned in China because no one will want population control after watching it. Everyone will want adorable and clever little children to read kitten books to them.

Now I want to cuddle.

xo

Holy Crap

2009-05-19T15:16:00.000-07:00

Serious homework overload is happening here. I mean, not too serious, but fucking serious enough. Why didnt anyone tell me that the end of the term will make you want to catch a javelin with your face? Oh sure, having to prepare for (i.e. research and write) a speech presentation thats due IN 2 DAYS, research and write a 1500 word essay, draft another 3 page essay, read a couple chapters of a book, do a couple chapters worth of algebra equations, attend class and manage to not get all homicidal on everyone is usually no big deal, but Im trying to squeeze in a pool league night this week too. I have officially waged war on free time and relaxation - neither of which stand a chance against this work load. I seriously may only take one or two classes this summer, you know, to slow the eff down.

Things with boys are rocky as per youshe (sp? I dont fucking know). This is to be expected when you are a retarded girl trying to figure that Y chromosome out. I mean, this time around it isnt the boy thats being retarded, its me. So that is extra frustrating. I have my girls keeping an eye on me for line-stepping behavior. A girl that is a habitual line-stepper is not likely to get the man. And this man is worth the extra effort that may be necessary to keep away from the line.

So tonight is the first night of our pool league. I hope I dont totally suck ass but I am so much less prepared this time around. I guess being focused on school will kind of get in the way of hanging out at bars and working on pool skills, but oh well. Priorities.

Speaking of, I better get back to this homework...

The hunt

2009-05-15T11:25:00.000-07:00

Im tired of being a lioness pretending to be a gazelle. I know you like the hunt, darling, but Im hungry and I want to eat now.

The truth is, you are the gazelle and I am crouching in the grass, waiting for you to stray from the herd...

In other news, here is my new pool cue, which I am super stoked on but aparently paid about $100 too much for:

*le sigh*

Life is awesome.

The sun is out!

Smooches