... and I should be asleep. Yet here I am. A few glasses of wine too deep into the night and doing anything but what I should be doing.
The thing is that I am scared shitless of things that are going well lately. I dont know if I've just become so acustomed to things going wrong, and when things go right I get nervous. Like the fucking hammer is about to drop any second.
Do you think I say "fucking" too often? Cause I like that word. It serves a purpose.
Anyway, so I got a new(er) car, which I am really, really excited about, Im feeling good about being in school (though it is totally fucking with my social life) and Im seeing a guy who I like a lot and has some real potential in becoming something serious - which, for whatever reason, doesnt scare me very much at all. All of these things are risks in their own way, and are a lot to juggle all at once, but are things that are important enough for me to persue properly. I mean, I am the kind of girl who wants something and then goes and gets it, but I havent tapped into that side of myself in quite some time. It feels good and scary at the same time.
The car is a gamble at my present state of finacial fragility - but was a necessity given the fact that Ive been pouring so much money into my old piece-o-shit. So, I figured that if Im going to be investing money into a car, it should be a nice, newer car that I can at least depend on and take on extended trips (like the trip to Madras to get Cash).
School feels, at times, like its overwhelming and that I've bitten off more than I can chew. This is emphasized by the fact that the engineering program will only intesify as I get deeper into it, and upon looking back at the schedule of classes, has reminded me that I will be doing things like taking an 8 credit calculus class along side thermodynamics and physics. Will I survive? Stay tuned.
Things with the boy (who is very much a Man, Alexis) are, again, a gamble. Am I ready to put my heart out there? Am I ready to be vulnerable? Am I ready to be suseptable to what could be another heartache? Im not sure. Talks with him have recently become more serious, and its clear that this is not something either one of us are taking lightly. This is more encouraging than anything for me right now, as I am ready to be taken seriously, and by someone who is worthy of my efforts.
Overall, things are going really well. I have the MOST amazing group of friends as support, and I truly feel most like myself when I am being brave and taking on - and conquring - goals that I set for myself with the intent of bettering my life and actually achieving small successes that I can not only easily measure, but look back on and be proud of forever.
Regardless of the outcomes, Im glad that I attempted these things; that I saw opportunities and didnt puss out, but took them, and said "fuck you, life, I will do what I want and make my own destiny". I guess that is an advantage of being so goddam stubborn.
...why did Bernie Mac have to die so young?
xo
2 comments:
Yeah you're pretty great. I know -- sometimes you have to have a blog so you can self-affirm how awesome it is that you stand up for yourself, go get the things you want, fucking say what you mean and mean what you say... and so on. I know! I know all about it!
That sounds good about talking reasonably and seriously with a man. (Is he over 40?) I'm at work. I am beginning a new series of songs for men I remember from brief interludes in the past on my blog.
XO
Alexis
He isnt over 40, but he is still very much a Man and this is very exciting after dating little boys for what feels like an eternity.
For whatever reason, boys that Ive dated and mentioned in this blog are still in touch with me randomly. I get the occasional text or phone call and it usually ends with them saying "Fuck, I forgot how cool you are. Lets hang out again soon." and me saying ok and it never happening.
Did I tell you that I recently had a crush on a boy with a mullet? Yeah.
xo
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