Fuck it

So, to be completely contrary to my last post, Ive dropped the only class I was taking this term. Heres the long and short of it: summer classes can be a pain in the ass because they are a more condensed version of classes offered during any other term - usually about 3 weeks shorter than normal. I was taking a math class and learning all of the material at home on my own because the teacher was the worst lecturer EVER. She would lecture only from power points and speed through all of the slides before I could take any notes, moving on to the next subject WAY too fast. Then she would speed through a couple example problems on the board, then look down her nose and answer questions in a very condescending manner. On top of this the class had 4 exams, all of which were a very large part of the final grade. This meant there was an exam about every other week on top of the final exam - so on top of teaching myself the material and doing a TON of assigned homework there was constant studying for an upcoming exam. THEN I got an email from my advisor saying that I didnt need the class anyway. All of this seemed like a lot of work for one class that I wasnt really learning anything in AND that I didnt need, so I dropped it. Fuck it, Im already 15 credits ahead of schedule, its summer and come fall its gonna be back to the grind stone. Im still going to learn the material on the syllabus on my own, I just wont be wasting my time on useless lectures, and I wont be getting any credit for it.

Ah well.

In other news - my cell phone is currently shut off due to my complete financial retardedness. I wont get into the details - suffice to say that I am not always as brilliant as you might think from all of the amazing insight I have to offer on this here blog. In light of this, Im playing with the idea of keeping it off for a week or two instead of scrambling to get it back on. You know, just to see what happens. So far its been peaceful. VERY peaceful. The thing is, I lived almost my whole life without one (with the exception of the last 5 to 7 years) and I was totally fine. Now I freak out if I leave the house without it. I want to distance myself from that need. The need to constantly be reachable and to constantly reach out. Texting has become like a heroin addiction to me - and Ive definitely already experienced some withdrawals - and that is ridiculous to me. "Cutting the cord" (so to speak) is absolutely necessary for me. I live with my best friend and those who know me most know how to get a hold of me if they really, really need to. Other than that, I think it will be nice to kind of disappear from the radar for a bit.

See? I can be optimistic!

xo

The Fear

Recently people have commented on my apparent motivation for schooling. This is probably because I put off doing homework until I have to do so much of it that I cant do anything else. And when people ask me to hang out and I say "I cant, I have a ton of homework" they interpret this as dedication, when in fact, its just a nasty bi product of my procrastination.
I've realized that the primary motivator and/or driving force in my life as of late is fear. Sheer terror of what may happen if I dont go to school is what keeps me going to school. And school is actually a nice distraction from the gut wrenching horror that is my financial situation on a day-to-day basis. But, then there's the stress of meeting academic requirements for financial aid also lighting a fire under my ass each day - which ties the whole school/money thing together nicely.

In checking my school email I've just learned that I made the honors list for last term. Huh.

Anywho. Better get back to that damn homework.

xo

Do Less

My body sent me a message yesterday that I read loud and clear; it was a plea to slow the fuck down on the drinking a bit. Immediately I was like "You're right, body, this is no bueno" but then I got to thinking: who the FUCK quits drinking during the summer? Gah. You drive a hard bargain, body, but I suppose you're right and I could slow down on the drinking and stop acting like its a race to see who leaves las vegas first.

So yeah. Less drinking. LOTS less.

Anywho, Ive noticed lately that I dream about masturbation a lot. Is that incredibly narcissistic of me? I dont even dream about having sex with another person anymore! Im not sure what to make of it, but I do know that I usually wake up frustrated and certainly not satisfied. Hmm. Life is fucking weird.

Ive been hanging out with an ex of mine a bit recently, and its a little strange talking about this here because I know he reads this blog (hi, Chris) but its definitely got me thinking differently about what it is I truly want in life right now. I know we've both been entertaining the idea of getting back together, but there is some serious hesitation on my part, and I cant fully figure out why. I mean, its been about 7 years since we last dated, but we still love each other and we still get along really well (there is always TONS of laughter when we hang out) being around him feels very comfortable and natural, and I know we have really great sex - so what the fuck is it that I DO want if not all of this? I dont know. Our break-up was pretty ugly and brutal on both of our parts, so that could definitely be playing a part. Part of me thinks Im a little too fucked up to be in a relationship at all right now.

Ah life is awesome. *sigh*

So the fourth of fucking July is coming up and this has me wanting to cook. Perhaps some beer braised short ribs are in motherfucking order? Last time I made them I said Id never make them again because of how labor intensive they are (they take 2 fucking days to cook!) but I've been craving them and it is a somewhat special occasion... Its a celebration, bitches.

This post is all over the place. I guess in summation: I dont know what the fuck I want in life (as per usual) but I do know that I should slow my drinking roll (as per usual) and that I want to cook (as per usual). So, basically there is nothing new going on here.

As you were.

xo