Boys are quite literally eluding me right now. My friend told me a story about how, when he decided to abstain from sex for THREE YEARS, he found himself tearing up his porch because he couldnt find his house keys one drunken night. The pent up frustration and anger caused him to rip boards from under his feet and smash other boards and railings and whatnot with them. This reminds me of when Pancho and I quit drinking for a little over a year and, early on in the process, I went through a period of intense anger. I was just pissed at everyone and everything. And I mean everything. All the time.
Now Im wondering what it is that Im jonesing for. Is it affection? Passion? Because its not like I cant take care of my own needs -- but theres obviously something about being with another person. Why is this so important to me now though? I mean, at this moment in my life, WHY am I so preoccupied with sex and how long its been since Ive had it? Its probably a mixture of insecurity, low self esteem and loneliness - which are all feeding off each other.
So right after I say that I have low self esteem Im gonna say this and contradict myself a little: Im not terribly bad looking, Im smart enough to carry on interesting conversations, Im funny and Im decent at pool and none of this is helping me. Boys will seem interested in me until I seem interested back. This is my MO lately. And, of course, my MO is also attracting boys who are still fucked up over their ex's. So, if you know someone who has recently broken up, you could introduce him to me and he'll be interested in me until I return the interest. This has literally happened to me with every boy Ive dated since Pancho and I broke up.
Ok enough of that. On the cooking front lately: delicious guacamole stuffed cherry tomatoes and pasta with vodka sauce and chicken. I swear I will never use spaghetti sauce with ANY pasta again, because vodka sauce is where the fuck its at. And the guac stuffed tomatoes are the perfect summer time snack. Make those and some margaritas and enjoy both outside in the sunshine. Then text me thanking me for the most fantastic idea yet this summer.
Musically: I am OBSESSED with Ghostland Observatory. Ok, watch this and tell me you arent obsessed with them too:
you fucking CANT.
Smooches.
4 comments:
Well, also, sex is kind of more important than food. So missing it and obsessing on it is inevitable.
Yeah, it takes a considerable amount of self discipline to focus on anything else after youve reached a certain point - which is probably good for me seeing as how I have no self discipline at all.
I know. I don't think it's issues with self esteem or insecurity. The circumstances are what they are, and it seems like it's not you who's making this harder than it has to be right? In my very similar experience, I typically decide the problem is that I'm too great. I mean right? When you're really smart and independent and unique and pretty on top of that, you need to find someone who challenges you, and of course that is difficult because there are only some who are that interesting and charismatic to do that. And some of them have found a good thing already and so they're out of the mix. So it's just numbers. Good old horrible annoying numbers keeping you from sex and love. Thank goodness for HBO - that's what I say. Also, we are so alike sometimes!
Alexis you always make excellent points. To think that I usually love numbers! And this is how they repay me?! Bullshit.
:)
xo
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