Things are happening

I am a creature of habit. I enjoy the comfort of familiarity. I drink mint tea, almost without fail, every morning. At school I eat chow mien for lunch almost every day (unless there is a tastier special). I hang out at the same bar every time I go out. I play pool almost every day. I find something I like and I stick to it.

I dont know why Im bringing this up, or why its been on my mind lately. I have such diligence in doing these same things over and over, but I cant seem to make that translate to other areas in my life. Why am I not more diligent in showing up to places on time? Why cant I take the principals that I apply to doing what works best for me and use them to make things work BETTER for me?

I have finals this week and next. I wish I could say that I feel really confident in my grades this term but the truth is Im not. I really think I bit off more that I could chew and struggled through the term putting out sub-par work just to get things done. In retrospect, that was a bad idea. In the future Ive decided not to take 15 credits again until winter or spring of next year. During the summer and fall terms Im going to take 2 or 3 classes and focus harder on them. I do want to finish school as quickly as possible, but I also want to do well. This term was just too stressful and chaotic, and now Im worried about my grades. I dont want this to happen again.

Something else is happening to me. I have these simultaneous urges to draw people in and push them away. This inner Jekyll and Hyde is seriously fucking with my interpersonal relationships (ugh. that sounded clinical). I know the minute I stop wanting to pursue a long term relationship, one is going to just come into fruition on its own. Its the natural way of things and its how it always happens. Im pretty sure it works this way because Im not actively pressing the situation, and Im letting it take its own course. The problem is I cant seem to let go of my desire long enough to let it happen. I like to shoot myself in the foot a lot. I should stop that.

Ive decided that I just need to come to terms with the possibility that I could end up spending extended periods of time alone, and that that should be ok. Its been over a year since my last serious relationship, and dating has been hell. Something in my head and in my heart is telling me to stop trying. To just be me the way I would live my life with no significant other in it. Not single and on the prowl, but single and resistant. Resistant to wasting time and energy on something that may inevitably be moot. (Disclaimer: my entire dating experience has not been a waste of time. Ive learned valuable things about myself and had experiences that I am very grateful for.) Im just ready to stop pursuing and to be pursued.

I am on my way to where I want to be and distractions along the way are going to have to be kept to a minimum. It sounds like a lonely journey...

xo