Ive only ever been shut out of a persons life once before last night (or this morning, I should say) and now its happened again - and by the same person. What have I learned in the 7 years since the last time this happened? Not much apparently.
The aforementioned ex that I'd been hanging out with has decided that, though we werent really in a relationship, we should have another ugly break-up, closely resembling our prior ugly break-up in which he never wants to see or speak to me again, and has announced that any contact I try to make with him will be ignored and every text or email deleted before read. What offense did I commit to earn such treatment? A few conversations that didnt go his way.
Now, Im not here to slander him. Ive known for 8 or 9 years that he is an extremely volatile person, and that is apparently never going to change. Im only mentioning the instance here to remind myself that becoming close with people who are so hot and cold (and are probably severely bi-polar) and subjecting myself to the wrath of their mood swings is extremely risky and not a very good idea. I also have to remind myself that while I may be a bit heartbroken, there is nothing I would have done differently and I can only go forward with the lesson learned here.
What is the lesson? What have I learned? They say the definition of insanity is repeating the same action and expecting different results. So, I guess the first thing I've learned is to stop being insane. Not only did history repeat itself last night, but also earlier in the evening when The Baseball Player (cue Alexis's booing) blew me off yet AGAIN - even after initiating contact with me. Why am I expecting different behavior out of these two? I've already learned the hard way how they are, why always with the benefit of the doubt? Because I dont want to be a hardened bitch that never gives anyone any chances. But what Ive learned is that I need to be recognising when enough is enough. And in these cases - Ive had enough.
If you cant make time to have a drink and catch up with me - fine. Im done trying. And if you dont have the patience to work out a disagreement with me - fine. I cant make you. I can only control my actions and reactions in these situations.
Im standing on my own two feet and sticking up for whats right for me and Im going to stop being afraid of leaving people behind that arent good for me.
I'd previously thought that I'd needed closure with these two (hence the meet-up for drinks, and because I saw the implosion coming) but now Im not so sure closure is always a good idea - and maybe its not always even possible, no matter how much the other party claims they want it too. I dont know, maybe yesterdays events were all the closure I needed to walk away knowing that walking away was the best thing to do.
Stay gold, Pony Boy, stay gold.
5 comments:
yes, as we have it from George Bush, "Fool me once, shame on you, Fool me twice... ifulmuh - not gonna fool me again." :)
Glad you've reached the inevitable (because of them) with these two. Wish we could hang out and drink to better things!
Have confidence in yourself, don't give into advances from guys that want that one thing, and don't play scenarios in your head. Put them on your terms.
A - Yes, but when we finally do hang out, I'd prefer it to be on your turf in NYC, because, you know, its NYC!
xo
Hmmm... I won't say no. But New York really needs to sit down and all hold hands in a circle I've been finding. I've been getting a distinct vibe that everyone's a hair's breath from using their hands not their words and their words are getting nuttier every day! And I think I need to start giving change to homeless/crazy people in the subway because it'll be easier than not and then feeling too lucky to be as sick of it all as I am. So okay... bring change! Also, you're "I see you" thing really freaks me out because I check your blog every five minutes. I don't have that "feed" thing I prefer to click over every five minutes. Ah well, everyone knows. Internet. everyone knows.
Ive been considering taking it down because it freaks me out a little too, but its also kind of a guilty pleasure of mine. If only I could find a way to hide it so I can watch everyone without them knowing. :)
Post a Comment