Thoughts of tonight

(two posts in one day? She must be drinking red wine. CORRECT!)

So, facebook. Ive recently come into contact with some people Ive known since grade school and quick overview of thier facebook profiles shows that they are mostly married with kids living the "American Dream". How does a girl feel about this in comparison with ones own life? Well, the feelings are mixed. Did I want the Dream for myself? Yes, I did, and do. But a reflection upon who I am and how quickly Ive not gotten there myself has lead me to wonder: Am I sorry? And my answer to you, dear reader, is no. I am not. Sure, I have regrets, and yes I would change a few things here or there, but ultimately, can I change who I am to my very core? No. I cannot. Should I censor my daily internet blatherings because I want to front an image I dont have? No. I cant.
At this time in my life, if a person asks "what have you been up to lately? And whats gone on in your life since we last talked?" is a loaded question and would take hours to answer. Life is complex and though I am not where these people are in thier lives I am on the path to where I would ultimately like to be.
It comes down to this: there is an element of scandal in my life that is seemingly absent in the lives of people I knew way back when. I am not appologetic about this for a few reasons: 1) The people I am closest to are brilliant, albeit functioning degenerates. My best friend is a hairs breath away from becoming a true forensics scientist (CSI style) and my other roommate has her masters in psychology and works with kids at a non-profit state funded agency. Are we debaucherous in our free time? Yes. But! A household of a mental health therapist, an aspiring forensics scientist and an aspiring civil engineer is nothing to sneer at in my eyes. During school terms, our house is largely filled with girls who are trying to make it in thier field and are subsequently blowing off steam at a rate that would make any student marvel at our achievements. So, debauchery, yes, but also a serious level of responisibilty.
2) The man and the kids and the house and perhaps even the dog are in my plan, I just havent found them yet. Im not one of these people that fell in love with my high school sweety, and had a head start on it all from the get go. Its taken me ten years since high school to even figure out what the fuck it is that I want in life career-wise, and so my start is late, but in my opinion, is correct. I cant imagine an 18 year old thats got it all figured out in the first place.

My point is this: my life doesnt even look great on the internet, where I have complete control over what anyone sees (as far as networking sites go, lets not even get into that creepy criminal records bullshit), but Im ok with that because its genuine. No, I dont have the family and I dont go to church - but that isnt me. And most of that never will be me. But I remind myself that I do not feel guilty that I am not "keeping up with the Joneses" or trying to portray a life I do not have. There was a time when I was very close to having all of these things - the kid, the man, the house, the career - but the stress of trying to keep all of that, coveting it and wanting it more than anything, eventually became the demise of it all. And Ive learned a new method of life which largely consists of me searching out my happiness on my own, off the beaten path. And Im certainly not sorry Ive found it.

Sure, I will have regrets, and I will be sorry for things (for example, smoking Kellys cigarettes at this hour because I have none of my own, but I digress) because, in the end, I will have my happiness too, and all I can hope for is that it will last. Because we all live in glass houses, and what we see is not always what we get and all that other bullshit. Life may look like a dream to an outsider, but may not, in fact, be that way in reality.

Im specualting that these people have thier day to day strugles, just as I do. The fact that my struggles are different from thiers does not make anyone better or worse off in my mind. So to those who knew me at 13: no, I am not married and do not have it all figured out yet. But I am on my way to something completely awesome.

XO