Doctors hate my neck

hings are happening to me that are beyond my control. This kind of thing drives me crazy. I am something of a control freak and I dont like relinquishing it.

I've been putting on weight. A few months ago I noticed that I was losing definition in my neck. At first, I chalked it up to being a side effect of weight gain. Then, I noticed that I was only losing definition in one side of my neck. After some poking and prodding it became evident that I have a lump on my neck in my thyroid region.

Several doctor's visits later, along with blood tests, ultrasounds and a needle biopsy so horrific, I choose never to speak of it again, I have learned that I in fact have 2 lumps on my right thyroid and one on my left. The biopsy results for 2 came back benign, and one inconclusive. According to my endocrinologist, this raises the chance of it containing cancerous cells to 20-30%, so she recommends that I have the right side of my thyroid surgically removed so that it can be further examined - and if it is determined to contain cancerous cells, I will need to have a second surgery to have my left thyroid removed and begin radioactive iodine treatment.

None of this sounds like fun. In fact, this whole process has been a series of news I was not expecting to receive and processes that are more drawn out than I had anticipated. Originally, I had thought that I'd have my thyroid hormone levels checked, be put on some meds and go on with my life. I certainly never thought this could end in surgery - or cancer.

Oddly, it isnt cancer Im afraid of. Maybe its denial, but the possibility that this is cancer seems remote to me - I mean, mathematically, it is - but something in my gut tells me that all of this is happening due to a serious stroke of bad luck that has been plaguing me all year. What I mean by that is that if all of my biopsy results had come back benign, that would have been the end of it. But because of that one inconclusive one I have to have my neck further violated, and this process just gets longer and more expensive.

It is better to be safe than sorry, dont get me wrong. I just wish it wasnt happening at all. And honestly, I just want people to leave my neck the fuck alone. And I want to stop having to meet with expensive specialists and surgeons.

Speaking of, I meet with my surgeon on May 9th. I did a little googling (knowing to be careful as there is a lot of misinformation and horror stories out there) and it seems like a common side effect people have after surgery is having a horse voice for periods of time that can exceed a couple months. For me, that would be unfortunate since it is my job to talk to people all day, both on the phone and in person. Also, there is a possibility that I wont get my stitches out until after I go back to work, so Ive given everyone permission to refer to me as Franken-Neck or Neck-enstein.

*sigh*

Basically, this bums me the fuck out. But, it is what it is and it definitely could be worse.

xo