I was going to write a fluffy little post about how I gave in and turned my phone back on and how I won both my 8 ball and 9 ball matches last night... but now Im gonna get all emo on your asses and theres nothing you can do about it (aside from clicking away to another site).
The thing is that Im exhausted. Keeping a busy and complicated social life is absolutely draining and I cant keep up anymore. Im starting to resent my living situation on so many levels and I dont have the means to do a goddam thing about it. Our apartment is located right in the raging eye of the hurricane that is the southeast portland/belmont/hawthorne scene and it is too fucking easy to get caught up in going out with someone or doing some sort of social activity every fucking night. My body hates me, Im completely financially fucked and what do I have to show for it? Record setting consecutive hangovers? Not good enough.
All of this socializing and drinking is having a deeper affect on me though - its drowning out and distracting me from issues that I need to deal with - issues that Ive needed to deal with for a long time. I have friends who are currently struggling with the same type of afflictions and its a pretty sobering mirror to look into.
Today a scab was ripped off an already unbelievably slow-healing wound - making it crystal clear that I am absolutely not in a position to be vulnerable to anyone, no matter how much I think I can trust them. I just watched He's Just Not That Into You and Ive realised that I used to be Ginnifer Goodwin's character, Gigi, but am quickly turning into Justin Long's character, Alex. Ive gone from being the ever-optimistic hopeless romantic, to the jaded, pessimistic non-believer. What I really NEED to be is just me. Just me thats ok with being me - whether alone or not - and I need get back to being me before I become permanently jaded and pissed and shut-off and no fun to be around and a complete fucking asshole.
It seems as though events are unfolding in a way that humbles the holy fucking shit out of me, but seems to leave everyone else on the planet unscathed. Perhaps my perception of this is skewed, though. Perhaps life sucks for everyone else on earth and we're all in it together, waiting for the sweet, sweet release of death.
More comfort food. I need more comfort food.
3 comments:
Yeah keep eating that poutine - you liked that. :) I saw the first half of HJNTIY on the plane ride out and the second half on the way back and was impressed that it wasn't too obnoxious. The message seemed to be that there are a lot of different situations, different self-delusions, and people were doing whatever worked until it didn't work and then trying something else and it wasn't preachy. Scarlett Johanssen was more annoying than ever but that might have been a decision about her character. I mean if you can call these little portraits characters... Don't worry about that movie please though Chrissy.
If you want to cry in an unmanipulated way you should watch this French movie "The Class" I also watched on the plane which is so true-to-life about teaching in urban settings it is just killer. But I severely digress.
I think you are fantastic. It sounds like you have a hangover. You could drink less for just a little while and then the body part of this clusterfucky thing you are going through will be better.
Isn't it too bad that there aren't more rewards to accomplished drinking? So unFAIR.
I really like the sound of a neighborhood called "Hawthorne."
Stop beating yourself up! You are rad - congrats on your deans listing. Try to keep enjoying the summer and just don't get too consecutively hungover. love, A
Hope this wan't condescending. What I mean is: I also support feeling like you're gonna lose it and like this much shit isn't happening to others. :) Hope you're feeling better today though.
Thank you Alexis. Unfortunately I am not feeling better today, but in time I will. Yes, for sure the drinking needs to be cut WAY back. Im working on a plan to make this as easy as possible. Stay tuned.
xo
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