t turns out that its nearly impossible to be just "sorta into" buying a house. Its a pretty big deal and its kind of hard to just casually think about every now and then. So its been on my mind a lot and its definitely on Seamus’s mind a lot too. Unfortunately, there’s a ton of shit to get in line before making such a huge purchase, and for us, a lot of these things are dependent upon other things which are dependent upon other things. So, if this were to actually happen, and that’s a really huge IF, it would basically take a miracle. So I’ve had to get pretty good at telling myself over and over “Don’t get attached! Don’t get attached!”

Prior to this whole… strange and completely unexpected… development, Seamus and I were constantly, sort of, congratulating each other over how content we were in our little apartment. We’ve made a little home of it and its in a decent location and it’s a super great deal money wise. Then we kind of realized how cheap houses are right now and that we could basically own for the same price – and in many cases for less! – than what we pay monthly for rent. So, we were thinking, if we find something and can make it happen, then great, if not, that’s ok too because we are happy where we are. Then last week we got a letter stating that our rent would be raised, again, and this time for a whole lot more than its been raised in the past. So that got us thinking that if we stay where we are for too much longer, it will no longer be any sort of deal, much less a “great” one, and we’ll be throwing money away on rent which we are now very aware could be going toward ownership of a place.

So, that’s pretty much where our thoughts are. The reality is that Seamus still needs to find a job and both of us need to get our shit together and hike up our credit scores as much as we possibly can.

And that’s a ton of fun <-- sarcasm.

Other than that, Ive been having the worst time staying focused on school. This term I took only the amount of credits I thought I could actually handle without wanting to kill myself every moment of every day (like last term), and not being in freak-out mode all the time allows me to feel pretty “meh” about stuff like, you know, getting homework done on time.

In other news, my spawn is 11 today. There aren’t enough words or blog space available in the universe to explain how this makes me feel. In short: old.

xoxo

ll right, all right. I dropped off the face of the blogging world, and there have been things to talk about, but I seem to be keeping a helluva lot to myself these days. I guess sometimes thats a good thing.

Lets be real, though, my friends and people who know me have been keeping up just fine with my goings-on via Facebook. The Facebook has become a weird force of its own and Im on it WAY too much. Was I always that interested in the day-to-day of nearly everyone ever? Actually, Im pretty choosey about who I enter a "facebook relationship" with because I dont enjoy to censor myself too much, and certainly not for the sake of others. I do, of course, censor myself, but thats only because if I shared half of whats in my head at any given time, its likely that no one would ever want to associate with me again.

I'll just pretend that I havent neglected this blog for months and months at a time and get back into it:

Work Friendships: I seem to have a knack for befriending my co-workers. Its hard to avoid - you spend most of your life with people you work with. I happen to get lucky and work with pretty awesome people at just about every job Ive ever had, and with my current employer - its no different. Working for a small, family owned company makes it feel even more like family, though. A lovely and strange and wonderful and totally-frustrating-at-times family.

Plus its so easy to say to your co-worker friends "lets grab a drink before we all head home" and thats how it all begins and remains and ends.

Currently, work friendships are treating me fantastically. Some really awesome folks and I have been thrown into an office setting together and its been really nice to share the whole work experience with them.


Other internet things: Other blogs have been keeping me inspired (obviously not to write in or contribute to my own blog, but just inspired about life in general) and also have you heard of this thing called Pinterest? Um, that is a whole other "time suck" that I've recently gotten myself involved in, but I feel is more productive because after looking at images that inspire me, I feel inspired!.

Also, DIY and craft and home improvement-type blogs have been captivating my attention to seemingly no end recently. This is sort-of strange because I live in an apartment and have no house to fix up, but all I want to do lately is fix up houses. Interestingly, I think the housing market is perfect for that kind of thing right now...

Im not saying that its going to happen for us, but this is something that Seamus and I are acutely aware of right now. Is all Im saying.

Relationship things: are good. Seamus and I will be coming up on 3 years this summer (WHAT?!) and its both a totally believable and hardly believable amount of time for us to be dating.

Me: Im good. Im gonna be 31 in a couple months and I feel like Im constantly on my way to becoming who I will be when I grow up, but is that something that never happens? I mean, do people ever end up being who they are going to be? Or are you always en route to that state until they die and then they were who they were their whole life, which was never one... defined... person but someone slowly evolving into everyone they've ever been?

Does this qualify me for therapy?

Speaking of, Ive been thinking about therapy and considering getting back into it. I mean, I think these days, even if you dont feel like you have overt issues, you could probably use a little therapy every now and then.

Have you seen that Rick Santorum has a chance to clinch the Republican nomination? Its a crazy fucking world out there and that alone I think makes all of us a little deserving of a chat with a professional.

So I think what really happened was I started to over-think this blog a little, when what I should be doing is just typing out the random non-sense in my head because maybe it will be helpful in a cathartic way and maybe it will even amuse someone at some point.

Doubtful. ;)

But who fucking cares right?
xoxo

Organization Porn

ome things are currently making me happy and they are my Billie Holiday Pandora station and this website:

Things Organized Neatly.



Its basically a collection of pictures of organized things. I dont know why, but this website just feels really good to look at. Perhaps its because I really crave organization on this meticulous of a level, but cant ever bring myself to maintain that level of organization in my life (likely, because it would take every second of "free" time I have, and I like to spend that time doing other things).

If I ever won the lottery, I would totally hire a professional organizer to organize my entire life this way, and to help me maintain it. I was showing this website to a co-worker and he was really disturbed by some of the images, while I was fascinated and super excited about them. He looked at me in a kind-of horrified way and said "I think thats a disease..." Ha! Im too lazy to have OCD.

Anyway, these are the things that make me happy. I was really enjoying my picture a day idea, too, but Im so bad at stopping to take a picture of interesting moments in my day. Im still working on it. I find that the most interesting days are the days I dont post a picture. I think if I had a better camera than the one on my stupid Blackberry, it would be helpful. Its just too convenient to be able to take the picture and load it directly to Facebook with the same device. Modern problems!

Oh hey

ere's a funny thing: I have several blog posts half-written and havent finished or posted any of them!

Bringing everything up to speed is out of the cards at this point so lets gloss over the details and do a Cliffs Notes version:

Still working for small, family-owned company. There is much to say about this later.

Gearing up for school: Im currently registered for 11 credits for Fall Term: Chemistry 104, Plane Surveying and Fluid Mechanics. Im ONE credit shy of being considered a full time student and that is fucking LAME. Admittedly, I dont exactly know how being one credit shy of full time will affect my financial aid, but Im pretty sure it will in a way that is decidedly negative.

Seamus and I just celebrated 2 years of togetherness. Ive been largely absent from this blog for the majority of our relationship, so it may seem like that came out of nowhere - and even being fully present in the relationship, it feels like a super quick 2 years - but all is well. Obviously, things are never perfect or completely easy, but all is well.

Neck things seem to be in the past. Surgery went well, and although my scar is bigger and darker than I would like it to be (I was a bad girl and didnt always protect it from the sun this summer), Im healed and healthy.

In an unbelievably frustrating turn of events, my anxiety is making an unwanted comeback in my life. I want to chalk it up to having a lot going on, and I hope that once I get things rolling and into a groove, I will calm the fuck down. For now, Ive been coping in a way that I know is horrible - by drinking to numb the nerves. Well, maybe part of me is drinking to numb the anxiety and part of me is stressed the hell out and just needs a drink. Either way, an overwhelming majority of me wants to be drinking lately and its not good. Seamus has taken to calling me Murtaugh because I am constantly telling him "Im getting too old for this shit."

Lots and lots of other things are on my mind. Who knows if I will have time to post them here when school starts - between going to class, working 32 hours per week, taking an online class, homework and studying, who knows if I will have time for anything ever again!

We shall see!

Photos are more fun than words.

've written two posts lately and didnt have time to finish them. I went back to them today and am not particularly impressed with either. Such is life, I suppose. I bore the crap outta myself sometimes with this blog.

I watched The Social Network the other night. It was entertaining, but I really despise that Jesse Eisenberg guy. I saw an interview he did on one of those late night talk shows and I thought he was a douche. Most of what he talked about was how he's been a nerd his whole life and because of that he's bitter and victimized, and even now that he is a famous actor he still gets treated like the nerd in the room and boo hoo. I think the line in the movie where Zukerbergs girlfriend tells him that girls dont like him not because he's a nerd, its because hes an asshole was actually written for Jesse Eisenberg. That and I dont think it takes an especially gifted actor to play the same charecter over and over again. At least Michael Cera is a likeable guy.

So my friend Chrissy has started doing this thing where she takes and posts to the internet one photo per day. Right now I am liking this idea much more than traditional blogging. Her photo blog is so interesting and full of beautiful pictures, it inspired me to try to do something similar. I was worried that mine would be boring and full of pictures of the same things, so this has challenged me to look for interesting things to capture each day. Chrissy is a bartender and is also in a band so she sees interesting things regularly. I have to hunt them. But I like that.

Neck Surgery Update

met my surgeon yesterday. I like her a lot. She seems like a super smart lady and has been doing the procedure I will have done for a long time. Also, she said that the incision she makes on my neck will only be about 5 to 6 centimeters long, which means my scar will be way smaller than I thought. This makes me happy. Also making me happy is that she is super nice and definitely put a lot of my worries to rest. She did discuss some of the risks involved in the surgery. About one out of every two hundred people that have this procedure will have the nerve that controls their vocal chords slightly damaged, causing their voice to be hoarse for several months. I guess sounding like Marlon Brando for a while isnt the worst thing ever. I could start making people offers they cant refuse.

This is a pleasant drawing of what the procedure does:



Obviously, my surgeon will be looking at something much more gross. Apparently my scar will be down near my collar bone. Lets think of more interesting explanations for a neck scar:

Knife fight (obviously).

Bionic neck parts incision.

Ninja star.

During a heated poker game, an angry opponent threw a card at my neck, it stuck, I flexed and shot it back at them, cutting out their eye.

Violin string miss hap.

Good and evil consciences sword-fighting on my shoulder.

Stood too close to a tiny helicopter.

...and etc.

Surgery is on June 3rd. Lets hope lots of ice cream consumption commences shortly afterward.

xoxo

30 years in

s a female, I feel genetically predisposed to enjoying weddings - and as a former little girl, fairytale princess weddings. So, everyone is talking about Prince William and Kate Middletons wedding today, which is occurring at 1:30 am (tonight/) tomorrow. If I had my way, I would DVR the thing and watch it at a reasonable hour with a pint of Ben and Jerry's while wearing the prettiest tiara available at Claire's. And, since my 30th birthday is Saturday, it is totally possible that I will spend the day doing exactly that while not feeling the slightest bit sorry that this is where my life is exactly 30 years in.

So where exactly am I at the 30 year mark?

Currently I am slowly organizing the hell out of the cute little townhouse that I share with my two favorite boys on Earth. The enjoyment this brings me is something I should not fully admit to (the organization, that is). I came this close to posting pictures of my now very organized closet on Facebook to brag. I opted instead to leave the doors open so that I can sit up in bed each morning and admire it. More recently Ive been considering taking the doors off completely.

Ive planted my very first garden - arugula, parsley, radishes, green beans, cherry tomatoes, green onion, violas and English daisies. This also excites me to no end. Each day I come home from work and check their progress and each day my little sprouts are a little taller and new ones are coming in. I call them my "babies" and my cat is highly unimpressed with their location in the prime real estate on the carpet in front of the sliding glass doors where she is usually lounging and soaking up sun.

Very recently I've cut back to 32 hours per week at work so that, come summer term, I can get back on track with school again. I feel fortunate to be able to do this, as not many companies will allow you to work just enough to be eligible for full benefits. But, I work for a great company.

For some time now Ive been enjoying the benefits of having a culinary student boyfriend, and Ive put on the pounds to prove it. Im definitely coming to terms with the fact that from now on I will need to work out to be skinny, but Ive had a good run at being skinny with little to no effort - so I suppose its only fair. The trade off is that I get to eat delicious foods on the regular, and that is truly, truly awesome.

Update: It has been decided that Saturday morning Seamus will make me french toast and minosas and I will enjoy them while watching Royal Wedding. Isnt that a lovely way to start my 30th year on Earth? I think so.

Doctors hate my neck

hings are happening to me that are beyond my control. This kind of thing drives me crazy. I am something of a control freak and I dont like relinquishing it.

I've been putting on weight. A few months ago I noticed that I was losing definition in my neck. At first, I chalked it up to being a side effect of weight gain. Then, I noticed that I was only losing definition in one side of my neck. After some poking and prodding it became evident that I have a lump on my neck in my thyroid region.

Several doctor's visits later, along with blood tests, ultrasounds and a needle biopsy so horrific, I choose never to speak of it again, I have learned that I in fact have 2 lumps on my right thyroid and one on my left. The biopsy results for 2 came back benign, and one inconclusive. According to my endocrinologist, this raises the chance of it containing cancerous cells to 20-30%, so she recommends that I have the right side of my thyroid surgically removed so that it can be further examined - and if it is determined to contain cancerous cells, I will need to have a second surgery to have my left thyroid removed and begin radioactive iodine treatment.

None of this sounds like fun. In fact, this whole process has been a series of news I was not expecting to receive and processes that are more drawn out than I had anticipated. Originally, I had thought that I'd have my thyroid hormone levels checked, be put on some meds and go on with my life. I certainly never thought this could end in surgery - or cancer.

Oddly, it isnt cancer Im afraid of. Maybe its denial, but the possibility that this is cancer seems remote to me - I mean, mathematically, it is - but something in my gut tells me that all of this is happening due to a serious stroke of bad luck that has been plaguing me all year. What I mean by that is that if all of my biopsy results had come back benign, that would have been the end of it. But because of that one inconclusive one I have to have my neck further violated, and this process just gets longer and more expensive.

It is better to be safe than sorry, dont get me wrong. I just wish it wasnt happening at all. And honestly, I just want people to leave my neck the fuck alone. And I want to stop having to meet with expensive specialists and surgeons.

Speaking of, I meet with my surgeon on May 9th. I did a little googling (knowing to be careful as there is a lot of misinformation and horror stories out there) and it seems like a common side effect people have after surgery is having a horse voice for periods of time that can exceed a couple months. For me, that would be unfortunate since it is my job to talk to people all day, both on the phone and in person. Also, there is a possibility that I wont get my stitches out until after I go back to work, so Ive given everyone permission to refer to me as Franken-Neck or Neck-enstein.

*sigh*

Basically, this bums me the fuck out. But, it is what it is and it definitely could be worse.

xo

Ooopsie

k, Im not very good at keeping up on this thing lately and I think it's because I just prefer to spend my free time sitting on the couch with Seamus watching TV, or cooking in the kitchen with Seamus and then sitting on the couch with him and watching TV. Or other things that somehow do not end up with me blogging. I think its a phase. I hope it is.

Also, I think that since I have been on an extended hiatus from school, I dont feel as stimulated in the brain region and thats what usually inspires me to write. Honestly, my job is easy, navigating my life is, I assume, much like navigating your life - make money, pay bills, avoid jumping off tall things. So, I guess I havent felt like things have been worthy of a blog post - but the thing is, maybe everything IS worthy of a blog post because that is the point of blogs? Maybe I will rename this blog "The Most Pointless Blog on the Internet" and then EVERYTHING that EVER happens will obviously warrant a post.

Anywho. Friday was April Fools and morale in the office had been at an extreme low. Suffice to say that many of us were feeling raked over the coals due to a recent event and needed some cheering-the-fuck-up. I took it upon myself to start an April Fools prank war. I started with putting a piece of masking tape over the censor on the bottom of people's mouses (which had some people crawling under their desks and jiggling wires), incorporated a few prank calls from prankdial.com and ended with the grand finale of kidnapping my hard core U of O Ducks fan of a boss's cardboard cutout of the U of O Duck mascot and placing him in a 2nd floor window of the building across the street. I didnt get to see the look on his face when he noticed it while walking passed, but I heard it was priceless. Somehow, being at the center of all the pranking left me un-pranked.

I patted myself on the back for all of my good deeds with way too many whiskeys afterward. It was the most successful April Fools Ive had in a while. Next year should be even better.

Economic Shit

he current economic climate has been on my mind lately. I've been paying attention to the news more now than I ever have in my life, so obviously, the economy is on a lot of people's minds and its being spoken about frequently. And, I know I've said before that I would make an attempt to lay off reading the comments on political news stories on MSNBC, but I just fucking cant. Its morbid curiosity or something.

Its also interesting to see (or read) how point of view and perspective can vary so widely between groups of people who are in similar financial situations. I am a pretty liberal democrat and I have very little money. I am quite aware of pretty conservative republicans who also have very little money and would probably agree with very little, if any, of my political opinions on the current economic crisis.

An interesting thing I read (in the comments on some story about the presidents budget, not from any sort of credible source) was that Ben Afleck had apparently said at some point that he received $1M in tax refund dollars - and he thought that it was totally ridiculous that a person that makes as much money as he does should get a refund of that much money from the government. Someone else commented that if Ben paid in $2M in taxes and got a $1M refund while someone else who paid $2,000 in got a $1,000 refund, then the two refunds are totally fair. I get that the ratio between the two amounts is the same, making it fair mathematically - but I just dont see the world that way. And I think Ben was making the same point - he doesnt need that $1M that was given back to him as much as, say, people with less money who could benefit from social programs that the money could have funded. The commenter who wrote about the fairness in ratios also pointed out that Ben should be given the money back by the government and then free to decide whether or not he wants to donate it to whatever cause he wants to see it go to. Ok, I see that too. I guess it would be nice to be super rich and be able to decide where exactly your huge amount of tax dollars are being spent. But, again, I dont really see the world that way. I guess I dont have enough faith in people (extremely rich people, in this case) that they would even give it back to the public if given a choice in the first place. So should we take it from them against their will by way of higher taxes for the extremely rich? The answer to that question - the truth in my gut - gets more complicated the more I really think about it.

On one hand - yes, absolutely, give the higher tax burden to those who can handle it "easiest". Meaning, the top money makers in the country. When I think about this tax bracket, I am imagining gigantic mansions in several parts of the world belonging to the same family, private jets, etc. These are people who, in my mind, would have to sacrifice the least essential items for survival (maybe having to get rid of the jet and *gasp!* fly first class instead). These are luxuries I would not lose sleep over depriving people in this economic climate.

My opinion of this question gets a little more complicated when I think of people who would be considered "rich", but not exorbitantly so. People who have nice, big houses, nice cars, go on expensive family vacations every year, etc. Im thinking this tax bracket brings home a high six figure salary, maybe even low seven figures. These are people who are no doubt living the American Dream. Is it fair to penalize them for being successful? Certainly they can "afford" a higher tax burden, which I think already comes with the territory of being in a higher tax bracket. I guess in my mind these people deserve neither a tax hike nor a tax break.

And then the further I think on it, the more it becomes clear that this is a seriously, intensely complicated issue. One that cannot be thought of in blanket terms. That being said, the one thing that does not sit well with me is the idea of tax "breaks" for people who can be considered rich. EVERYONE in this economy should have to pay their share. The idea that there are people who are rich (in any sense of the word) and are getting a break on their taxes during a time when so many people in this country cannot even make ends meet is appalling. Absolutely appalling.

Regarding the uproar over Obama's proposed budget for the year - again its an extremely complicated matter. Growing the economy while simultaneously cutting way back on spending is not something I can wrap my head around - yet there seem to be so many couch-economists that have strong opinions of exactly what needs to be done, of course, without any pressure of consequence should they be totally wrong.

When it comes to social issues like abortion and civil liberties, I have very strong viewpoints, but when it comes to economic issues... most of that stuff is way over my head - and, in my opinion, over most peoples heads as well. I struggle enough with budgeting for my household, balancing a budget for the entire country seems like a mammoth task I couldnt even begin to understand how to start, let alone accomplish with any success. Perhaps I am biased as an Obama supporter, but I think that considering the mess he was handed, people might give the guy a little credit. But, of course, in this culture of instant-gratification that we love to live in, the people want a miracle and they want it yesterday.

In these financial hard times, Im grateful for things that make me happy and cost almost nothing - family, friends and Charles Shaw.

xoxo

Seamus and I

ecause I am crazy and usually bored (and usually trying to keep my mind occupied), when Im on the bus I will occasionally look around and imagine everyone as characters in an action suspense movie and pick roles for them. This would be a movie (like Speed) where something action-y and suspenseful would happen to a bus full of unsuspecting people. I am always the un-likely heroine/love interest for the hero (obviously). The problem is, there is usually not a good hero-type riding the bus. Which is fine because my hero could always enter the equation from some other place (as in Speed where Keanu Reeves' character, Jack, gets on the bus while its doing 50 down the freeway). But, sometimes heroes and love interests arent always easily spotted. This takes me to the story of how Seamus and I met:

Once upon an August in 2009, Laurelhurst Park was putting on its annual "Movies in the Park" and Our Heroine, me, had been bugged and bugged by friends to attend. When I'd heard that the movie on a particular weekend was Casablanca, I was finally interested in going - so I packed a bag with a blanket, a thermos of a particularly strong blend of flavored vodkas and juice, and cups. I headed out, along with three of my friends, to find a good spot in the park for movie viewing and down-low drinking.

Upon arrival at the park it became very clear that I wasnt the only one unwilling to miss a showing of Casablanca because the place was packed. Still, we found a decent spot, laid down our blankets and busted out the booze. Erin had brought an extra blanket for a friend she'd invited that may be bringing friends of his own - and shortly after the movie started these friends came, introductions were quickly made and, on my part, quickly forgotten because of the booze and the Casablanca commanding my attention.

Meanwhile, on that day Seamus' mother was in town visiting him for her birthday. Seamus had friends over for a BBQ to celebrate and was looking for something fun to do afterward. Luckily, Seamus heard from his friend Roy who heard from his friend Erin that some friends would be at Laurelhurst Park for the "Movies in the Park" showing of Casablanca and would save them a spot. Seamus and his mother had both never seen Casablanca but had always wanted to, so it was set.

The movie, as always, was fantastic.

Afterward, being particularly broke and not ready to end the night, Erin and I decided to invite everyone over to our place for cheap beer - including these folks I'd had a vague recollection of meeting. Seamus' mom was pretty tired at this point and had asked Seamus if he minded if she just headed back to her hotel room. Seamus - who was also not ready to end the night and was interested in following girls back to their house instead - did not object.

I had met Seamus' friend, Roy, through my friend Erin. Roy sat near me and his friend Seamus sat near him. Through the phenomenon of alcohol induced banter, I started chatting more and more with this Seamus character - he was smart, just the right mixture of polite and smart-ass, and funny as hell. Most of all, he was so easy to talk to. It was one of those cliches where you feel like you've known someone for years because the communication is just effortless.

Late into the night and early into the morning the topic of our conversation ended up on pool. At the time I was playing pool more than ever and had gotten better than ever at the game. Challenges ended up being exchanged (probably originating from me) and it was decided that the two of us would meet at my favorite bar the following night. Phone numbers were exchanged. Seamus eventually went home and I eventually went to bed.

The next morning I woke up feeling hungover and not particularly motivated to leave the house. Evening came around and I was feeling better, but still not super excited about going out. I considered texting Seamus to reschedule our showdown, but reconsidered - he was so easy to hang out with, a little hair-o-the-dog might be just what I needed, and we were going to my favorite bar - which at the time felt basically like an extension of my living room, so it wasnt really like going out. Instead I texted him asking him what time he'd like to meet. Turns out, Seamus was feeling the same way physically, but decided to meet up with me anyway because he had a secret crush on me.

We played pool, chatted more - and got along famously. Soon, I was inviting Seamus to everything I did, and hanging out with him every day. There was something about him that I couldnt pinpoint. Sure, he was cute, but more than that, I just wanted to be around him all the time. Apparently, when I wasnt hanging out with him, I was talking about him to my girlfriends, a lot. Eyebrows started raising. "You LIKE him!" ...maybe I really did like him. This was something to raise an eyebrow at because at the time I'd been dating a few people and was not particularly liking anyone anymore. I was reaching the point of being jaded and swearing off men forever. But Seamus was different. He didnt press any romantic progression in our friendship (even though he wanted it), and in fact I may not have known he was even romantically interested in me if it werent for the look in his eyes he would get when drunk and telling me how awesome he thought I was.

Eventually, after about a month of just "hanging out", we ended up kissing and then dating. The transition was pertty seamless since we were already attached at the hip - only now we got to make-out and stuff.

So, the story of Seamus and I isnt an action-suspense movie that unfolds on a bus, but my hero did come from an unexpected place - and besides, its pretty romantic to tell people the Cliffs Notes version - that we met while watching Casablanca in the park.

Public Transportation (aka hell on Earth)

o here's what: my car has been having serious issues since I ventured south to Vegas in it (perhaps I will elaborate more on that trip later). My good friend has been kind enough to tinker around with it and patch it up here and there, but he doesnt know much about my particular type of car, and Im getting sick of having to replace temporary band-aids on it seemingly every week. So I've vowed to let it chill the fuck out in the driveway until I get my tax return and then I will take it to an official VW mechanic and pay way too much money to get it fixed for good.

As my luck would have it, Seamus' car is also out of commission as of two days before mine decided to join it. This means that I am re-acquainted with my old Nemesis: public transportation. The issue for me is not that I am "above" taking public transportation, it's just maybe the biggest trigger for panic attacks that I have - aside from, say, being trapped in an elevator. An elevator crammed full of people.

The shittiest part about taking the bus to and from work is that I am always riding it during rush hour when the bus is packed and sitting in traffic. This is my nightmare. Luckily, I work from 7 to 4, so rush hour is on the lighter side.

Saving graces: My bus ride has, so far, not taken longer than 25 minutes; 2 to 3 times a week, Seamus and I will be riding the bus home together in the evening when traffic is the worst, and, of course, the fact that this is all temporary. Just how temporary remains to be seen at this point, but temporary nonetheless.

In related news, life has had no shortage of stress for me lately. So the theme of late has been perseverance. I tend to get whiny when under stress for extended periods of time, but its nice to have this here blog and good friends who are smart and good looking to use as methods of venting, reflection, and perspective.

So, long story short - I will survive, but I am definitely looking forward to calmer seas.

xoxo

Politics and Crazy People

t seems like everyone is talking about the political rhetoric in this country in the wake of the shootings in Arizona. My problem is that I read MSNBC's website almost every day as my go-to for the latest news headlines, and after I read an article I will almost always read the comments left by just about every idiot on the face of this planet. This has made it seem like this country has had no shortage of crazy people with stupid things to say for quite some time now, and the current political climate is nothing new. Also, anyone who has ever taken 15 minutes out of their life and wasted them on Craigslist's Rants and Raves section is well aware of what Im talking about.

For me, its hard to step back far enough to try and see the bigger picture of what the ACTUAL political climate in this country is, outside of what extremists post on the internet and what retarded talking heads say on cable news networks. These cant be the voices of the majority; can they? My hope is that the majority of Americans are much more sane, have political opinions in common, and are just too busy being smarter and saner to post commentary on news websites. Perhaps they realize that attempting to reason with crazy people is futile. This is my hope.

I also wonder if our crazies today are any crazier than American crazies have been in the past, or if it just seems that way now because of the overload in mediums by which news and information is shared, or because more crazies than ever actually have access to a vehicle for their crazy opinions to be carried around the world (the internet). Imagine back in the day when you would actually have to be in the presence of someone crazy to be subjected to their insanity - doesnt that seem like blissfully sweet, sweet silence? Was it easier to be sane then? Or is it easier to make more informed opinions now with easier access to so much more information? Or is the internet easier access to misinformation?

I have a million questions like these and zero answers.

Seamus is a fantastic person to have these conversations with because he studied political science with an emphasis on international politics and is also a history nerd. So sometimes I spout off these questions about America and the world and society and political climate - not really expecting an answer - and he usually has some insightful opinion and I end up learning something about world history.

So whats a girl to do in this day and age? Well, so far my strategy is this: I take most of what I read on the internet with a grain of salt, take solace in things like The Daily Show, The Colbert Report and The Onion for perspective from people who are funny and also realize that all this shit is crazy, and hope that in the end the world will not cave in on us.

xoxo

Ouch.

or the second day in a row I am feeling hung over from a pretty binge-drinking-like weekend. Of course, I am feeling much MUCH better today than I was yesterday, but I am by no means 100%. I didnt used to beat myself up over these occasions - in fact, in my first blog, I bragged about them openly - but Im getting to the point where I look back on them with a little shame. And this makes me wonder if I should be feeling ashamed or regretful, or if I should just cut myself some slack. My problem with that is that Im usually pretty bad at cutting myself too much slack and then really beating myself up for it later.

I guess Ive reached this stage in my life where part of me wants to hang on to my youthful partying ways and part of me wants to let them go. The ratio of one to the other is increasingly uneven in favor of letting them go. Which I think should be the correct progression, but its still a strange thing to experience. And particularly now, while paying the price for a hard partying weekend, the allure of my grown-up nights spent cuddling on the couch with a glass of wine after a nice home-cooked dinner, going to bed early and waking rested, seems stronger than ever.

Interesting, too, is the fact that when super drunk, I often end up reminiscing about achievements I made when Pancho and I quit drinking for a year and a half. Not the achievement of quitting drinking for that long, but things I accomplished in my professional life during that time. Im wondering if I would have capitalized on those opportunities as well as I did if I were drinking at that time as well.

At any rate, what I would really like is to grow into a happy medium. Where I can feel good about allowing myself some slack, and also feel like I am accomplishing my goals. I hope Im on the right track to end up there.


xo

I think they call it "Contentment"

o, I've found myself in that all-too-rare-in-my-life place where Im content. Not completely content, because there is still work to do, but damn content enough for my liking. More content than I have been in quite some time.

I think being unemployed for so long gave me a great big swig off a tall glass of perspective. Being in control of my income is a fantastic thing. Also sipping from this tall glass of perspective is one Louis CK, who also happens to be my favorite comic ever. I was watching his latest special, "Hilarious", and was particularly fond of his "white people problems" jokes.

Jokes.com
Uncensored - Louis C.K. - White People Problems
comedians.comedycentral.com
Jokes Joke of the Day Funny Jokes

Its so true. Im poor and yet I have a Blackberry, a 42 inch HD tv, HBO, a laptop, leather seats with seat warmers in my car and I carry a Coach bag. Granted, by car is problematic and not paid for and I bought my Coach bag on Ebay, but STILL. My problems are stupid. "UUUuuugghhh, my check engine light came on and now Im going to have to spend money fixing it instead of spoiling myself, woe is me!"

Thanks Louis CK. You're the best.

Speaking of, Seamus and I saw Louis CK in November and he really is the best. Seriously, if he is coming to a city near you, go see him.

In addition to receiving a fresh dose of perspective, being unemployed also gave me a crash course on living cheap. So, now, I make more money and live cheaper and everyone wins. Soon I will begin saving for a trip to Disneyland - which, I dont know if you've checked, is SUPER expensive! But, my boy is in the prime Disneyland age range and I think he's gonna be pretty fucking stoked when we surprise him with the trip. For Christmas, we took him down to San Francisco - to Alcatraz and Chinatown and Fishermans Wharf, and etc. - and he was super excited about that so Im pretty sure Disneyland is going to blow his mind.

So, basically, with the current economic crisis and wars going on - its the end of the world as we know it - and I kinda do feel fine.

xoxo

The Social What-Now?

I keep reading these articles about how gigantic and rich Facebook is getting. Hugely rich businesses are investing tons and tons of money in it. I dont understand how Facebook could be worth $50 billion, but what do I know about valuation? I do, however, have a memory of what happened to Myspace when people thought the same thing about it. I also have a feeling that Facebook is going to go the same way as Myspace at any moment.

I used to be hugely addicted to Facebook. I checked it SEVERAL TIMES every day. Now I peek at it maybe once a day and am largely unimpressed with what I find. No offense to my Facebook pals, but hearing the day-to-day goings on of your lives isnt that exciting to me anymore. Nor do I think you are that interested in mine. I feel like I shouldnt even post anything unless I have something particularly exciting or clever or funny to say, and, unfortunately, that kind of stuff just doesnt happen to me all that often.

The aspect of Facebook that I cannot speak to is the FarmVille-ing and Mafia Wars-ing and all that other shite that goes on on that site because I have LONG since hidden all of those damn things. Im not sure if people are still cracking out on them or not, so for all I know, that may still be all the rage. But, honestly, how long can that go on? Who knows. Maybe it gives the lonely people of Earth something to occupy their time with.

In some ways, I hope Facebook stays around and that people stay somewhat interested in it. It is a great way to share photos with people (everyone you know- if you want) and I just cant get myself into the habit of following Twitter very closely, which would be the alternative, I guess. As you can see in the margin, I dont tweet very often. Now that I think of it, sharing photos is really the best part of Facebook to me these days. I even like looking at peoples vacation photos and seeing all the places they've been. Its a cool peek into people's lives that you probably wouldnt otherwise have. When I see mutual friends' profiles on someone elses page, Im not sad when I cant see their "wall" or "info", Im sad when I cant see their photos and what they look like now. Their photos tell me a more interesting story of where they live and who they associate with and what their life is like than the rest of their Facebook profile.

Does that make me a Facebook stalker?

Hmm.
(I said Facebook 10 times in this post. Make that 11.)

xoxo

Growing Up

ately I've been thinking about "growing up" and acting more "grown up". Recently I was involved in what was going to be a high drama event, and my initial reaction - in an effort to minimize my involvement - was to deny, deny, deny. Then I thought, "what is the big girl way to handle this?" And I realized the big girl thing to do is to admit everything as it happened to those that need to know, and to move on with my life. So, "yes, it happened. Im sorry if that upsets you. I will continue to live my life now." Maybe its selfish of me, but my conscience is clear and if people insist on creating drama in their lives, then I want very little to do with them anyway. Isnt there a point where people want to STOP living as though they are in high school?

Anyway. So that is kind of also where I would like to go with my life from now on. You know, being an adult. Not skirting responsibility for things - even if they are ridiculous or stupid. Owning my actions - that kind of thing. Im going to be thirty this year so I figure now is a good time to start.

It feels good already.


Unrelated(ish) - Ive been fawning over diamond rings lately. I used to just want the ring. Then I started wanting the ring and the wedding. Slowly I think I am wanting the ring, the wedding and the marriage. Who am I?

A girl in love, probably. ;)

Also, Ive been exposed to very long term, happy marriages for the first time in my life and, maybe for the first time ever, marriage as I would like to have it seems possible. Seamus's parents have been happily married for 30 years and we just helped his grandparents celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary. 60 years! And they are still happy, wonderful human beings to be around. And when they look at each other, it doesnt seem like they would like nothing more than to murder the other with their bare hands. They seem like two people who have shared a life together who are still very much in love. Of course, 60 years is a long time and Im sure it wasnt always easy. But they have so many hilarious stories and a fascinating history - its easy to feel a little jealous of that connection, and to want it for myself.

But what girl doesnt want to live happily ever after?

Hello Again

ot that Im expecting that anyone still reads this thing, but I am back.

After catching up a little on This Lovely Blog, I am inspired to write my own again. Alexis never disappoints in the ol' inspiration department.

So, the truth is that Ive neglected this damn blog far too long and a complete update is just not feasible at this point, so I will bring you up to speed in the quickest way possible (or, more likely, I will elaborate on only the things I care to elaborate on at this moment).

Seamus and I are happier than ever. As I reach thirty (years old - if you must know), I feel like Im entering a phase in life where I can finally exhale and relax in a relationship. We are passed the one year mark and I feel like we've worked through issues that we had in the beginning and that is helping us to communicate and prevent any major new issues from forming. One thing I truly love about our relationship is that I feel like Seamus is one of the only people I've been close to that doesnt judge me negatively when I screw up. Its like his initial reaction to my fuck-ups is "yep, been there" even if he hasnt been EXACTLY there, he has, as a human, been in that "oops" place and is incredibly humble because of it. Because of this I feel like I can be more completely honest with him than I have ever been with anyone. Im not afraid of being vulnerable to him because I know he doesnt take it lightly. I only hope I can be the same to him.

School has been put on hold for the pursuit of employment. The gravy train pulled into its final destination and unfortunately, I was unprepared. This caused a (not) brief (enough) moment of panic and a switch in priority in order to survive. After a long and arduous hunt for a job, employment has been secured - and in fact, I think I found the job I was meant to have at this time in my life (whatever that means - at any rate, this job makes sense for me right now). So, my education will continue now that this has been taken care of.

The job - I am a receptionist at a small, family owned business. I feel like this is a smart move for me because being at a reception desk is usually a cake walk for me - however this particular reception desk is busier than most at the beginning and end of each month and does require a great deal of multi-tasking skills. But, I try to keep in mind that this is a plus for me as I should stay in the habit of being challenged constantly. Being in a lull tends to not be a positive thing for me at work. If Im challenged, then Im productive and interested and not bored and hating every second of life spent at work.

On life and people and the coming year - this year Im making a resolution for the first time in a long time. Actually, I cant remember the last resolution I made because I dont usually take them seriously enough to make them in the first place. But this year, Im making a promise to myself. The promise has multiple parts: the first is that I WILL get into shape. Most of my life I havent had to work at staying any certain weight or size, but those days are gone. Whatever has happened to me psychologically over the last year that has caused (or allowed) me to gain weight must be over. Mostly I just want to fit into my clothes and look in the mirror and recognise myself again. Also, working out raises energy levels and I sure could use some of that right now. The second part of the promise is that I will continue to pursue my education as diligently as before, even though I will have to work full time in the process. My original time line for graduation has gone out the window, but my goal of getting there most certainly has not. The last part of my promise is that I will become less flaky and more reliable as a friend and relative. I dont want to be thought of as that girl that no one can depend on. The difficult part about this is to find a balance between being reliable and being a crutch for people.

I dont want to say "this is the year I get my shit together" because that sounds like a sure fire way to keep from actually getting my shit together, but I do want to focus on some improvements I could definitely make. Will power and self control would be nice. I feel like Im within reach of them.

On a random note (because random notes are always fun) - I learned today that I am one year older than the Atari game Pole Position. This made me feel strangely old because for some reason I'd always assumed that I was way younger than that game. This and the fact that my sister is finally entering years that I can more closely relate to (she will be 20 next month), and remembering this or that when I was that age and thinking that was 10 years ago and wondering what the hell Ive done since then... I realize I need to focus more on where Im going than where Ive been. I look back way too often when I should be looking forward.

I think that will be the mantra of this year.

xoxo

Uh...

ell holy blog neglect! As lame as it sounds, a post that brings everything up to speed is necessary, but this isnt it. This is the post before that post where I promise I will work on it soon. I understand if you dont hold your breath.

xo

On Health Care Reform:

ere's the thing: Im fucking sick and tired of all the belly-aching over health care reform. Im sick of hearing people whining about supposed affects it will have on them when they do not know what in the FUCK they are talking about. They hear someone else say something and then go around bitching about it as though it were fact. "I saw this posted on so-and-so's facebook status so I just had to re-post." Shut the fuck up! So-and-so is a dumb ass and so are you!

Ive generally been for health care reform. Ive had long periods of my life where Ive been without health insurance (like right now and for the past year or so) and the entire time I think to myself "if something happens to me - getting hit by a bus or in a car accident or struck by lighting - Im totally and completely FUCKED!" and there is nothing awesome about carrying that idea around in the back of your head at all times. Once, I had to go to the ER for intense stomach pains though I sincerely did not want to because, at the time, I was not insured. But, it was reasoned to me that I may need my appendix out or some other life threatening situation, so I went. 3 hours and $4000 later, I left the ER with no conclusion of what happened to me - or if it could happen again - and the most expensive experience of an ass-fucking ever. I received multiple bills from multiple doctors (half of which I couldnt even recall meeting as the only thing helpful to my condition that was provided to me was an abundance of morphine) with non-specific line items and ridiculous balances! I contacted OHP (Oregon Health Plan, to the layman) and they basically told me that even as a single, out of work mother, I was SOL. Great!

As it happens, right now I am unemployed and uninsured. I could purchase health insurance, but then I'd probably also have to live on the streets or starve. Also, coincidentally, I've been experiencing excruciating and mysterious back pain for the last three days. Boy would I love to see a doctor right now! Or a physical therapist. Or even a fucking voo doo witch doctor. Anyone that could make this pain go away would be welcome in my eyes. But I cant afford any of them. Luckily, friends and family have shared with me whatever left-over pain killers are laying around their medicine cabinets, and with those (coupled with wine) Ive managed to keep the pain manageable.

I decided to read the health care reform bill for myself. All 1990 pages of it can be found here. Ok, obviously I didnt read the whole thing, but I've skimmed the parts that interest me. Heres what I like about it (excuse me if I dumb it down a bit as I have been drinking wine and taking pain-killers):

It puts and end to the whole "denial due to pre-existing conditions" thing. Or, as far as I can tell, limits the check for any pre-existing diagnoses to 30 days prior to application. Ive never had to deal with this issue, but I know plenty of people who have. Ive even known people who stay at extremely shitty jobs because they dont want to switch health insurance plans because of a condition they have that would exclude them from coverage anywhere else. How horrible to be trapped in a shitty job because of health concerns!

It ends annual and lifetime benefit limits! I have had insurance through such SHADY insurance companies (AHEM! Aetna! *cough*) that, when I did the math, I paid MORE into them than my annual benefit limit would cover - even AFTER deductibles! And when I read the fine print, I found out that the limit on ER coverage was something totally ridiculous like $1000! $1000 will get you INTO the door of the ER, the real costs start racking up well after that!

It allows children to stay on their parents' plans until their 27th birthday. This is a nice option for parents who can afford to keep their kids on their plan that long, especially if their kids are going to college and not working. I mean, my mom would probably still be like "get a job and pay for your own coverage", but thats only because money was tight at my house. If she couldve afforded to, she would have kept me on as long as necessary.

It requires insurance companies to cover reconstructive/cosmetic surgery for people with deformities, which, to my knowledge, has been strictly up to the insurance company until this point. Seems fair.

It has provisions to combat price gouging and regulate premium increases.

People who like the plan they have now get to keep it, with no increases in cost. In fact, it is estimated that almost everyone paying for insurance now will see significant decreases in cost over the next 5 or 10 years. I dont know what everyone who has insurance now is fucking complaining about. If you like what you have, fine! You dont have to do anything! Unless you make more than $500,000 a year, you arent going to see any increases in taxes or premiums (and if you do make more than $500,000 a year right now, suck it).

Ok, I'll skip to what I dont like about it:

It makes health care coverage mandatory. If you dont participate in the "exchange" (the pool of insurance providers), you will be fined 2.5% of your income. Ok, that doesnt go down as easy. No one likes to be told by the government that theres one more thing they HAVE to do whether they like it or not. The white house's website made a good analogy though, and that is that each state mandates auto insurance coverage, and that this mandate is similar. Fine. Its not that I dont WANT health insurance (believe me, and this very moment I would enjoy very much to have some coverage) its just that I cant afford it.

So that brings me to one more (and the last, I promise) thing I like about it: the federal government is going to offer credits to those low income AND middle class (!) families that need assistance getting themselves and their families covered - which will bring the actual out-of-pocket expense way down.

So, ok government. Yes. I would like some insurance now please. Lets do this.

WTF is up with the 2014 implementation date?